thanksgiving dilemma.. what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a no brainer-host your inlaws at your house and then make plans for the rest of the weekend with your family. You said you see your parents all the time and extended family is not as important as your husband's parents.

This won't work for a few reasons:

1. ILs will be here all weekend and made it clear that they do not want to "share" the holiday with my family - MILs words, not mine.

2. My extended family will only be here on Thursday.

This is the conversation your DH needs to have with MIL (or if he won't, then you need to):

MIL: "I don't want to *share* the holiday with your family."

DH (or you): "Thanksgiving is all about sharing and community. We are blessed to have family on both sides, and now that we live here, we plan to share it with everyone who is in the area. We would all love it if you would join us for dinner; it is at X place at Y time."

Agree- this is what we do, and our families deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks - that is good advice and I will talk to DH about having that conversation with her.

Believe me, I want to wring her neck too. The only saving grace about this situation is that she lives in the midwest!

I posted earlier about your possibly hosting. I have given it some more thought though. I think your in-laws are so used to having you all to themselves for Thanksgiving that they feel their time with their son and grandchildren is being threatened. Your in-laws live far away and their one on one time with the grandchildren is obviously limited as where your parents get to see them all the time.

My in-laws tend to have a complex about where they are in the pecking order. As a result we spend Thanksgiving with them. I hate it because I would much rather spend it just my DH and the kids. It's even less fun with the Aunt and Uncle come because then all conversations around the table are in Korean and revolve around my weight.

[Anonymous]

If the ILs are going to be in all weekend, have dinner with your family on Thurs and host ILs for dinner on Friday. Is the day of the week really that important? Have them arrive on Thurs. as travel will be much easier & cheaper. DH can leave to get them at the airport or open your home to them when they arrive.

[Anonymous]

can't your ILs join you at your extended family's event? i agree she's being a pain but i would call her on the not sharing thing and then try to include them in the larger group.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Posters have focused on your MIL. What about DH? Why did he invite them? Did he invite them before asking you? Whatever the scenario, I think your MIL is being ridiculous and should go to dinner at your family's on Thanksgiving Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Posters have focused on your MIL. What about DH? Why did he invite them? Did he invite them before asking you? Whatever the scenario, I think your MIL is being ridiculous and should go to dinner at your family's on Thanksgiving Day.

I agree with this. If your DH invited them, then you and he as hosts set the terms of the holiday i.e. where it's celebrated and with whom.

If he didn't invite them and they invited themselves, well, then the same protocol applies - you set the terms.

[Anonymous]

I am calling bs on something-OP you said the extended can only be there for thanksgiving day..hmm if they were coming such a long distance this would not make sense. If they are driving distance, you can create another opportunity for everyone to get together. You don't see you inlaws much and I understand why they woudn't want to share. If it were my family, my mom would say..focus on your inlaws because you see us all the time and you husband needs one on one time with his family-this is what causes huge family problems.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell the in-laws that you had plans on T-day. They are welcome to join you. They are welcome to come and just hang out at your house while you go. Or they are welcome to come on Friday. Or they are welcome to come another weekend that suits them. Then leave the decision up to them. They are being selfish. While - yes - I can see why they don't want to share you, but then they can visit on a day after Thanksgiving. It's not like there is some magical thing that happens on that one Thursday.

My parents live further than my in-laws, but I would never cancel on my inlaws because my parents gave me some sort of ultimatem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do Thanksgiving Part II or consider hosting a Thanksgiving breakfast. In the alternative I would put my foot down and invite his family for Thanksgiving, then let them decide what to do. It isn't your problem that they can't deal with celebrating a holiday with family from both sides on Thanksgiving (WTH?). You and your DH are a family unit now, and can issue invitations that can be taken or left at the guests' discretion.

I think your DH is being unreasonable and forcing you, unnecessarily, into this position.

I would add that the fact that his family doesn't celebrate Christmas doesn't translate to them owning Thanksgiving every year. My DH's family is Jewish and we had that same issue, until I pointed out to DH that it wasn't fair to ASSume that his family had a monopoly on the only common holiday.

Why can't you do New Year's with your ILs?

I totally agree about owning Thanksgiving - it is so obnoxious, but my Dh won't really bend on it - so I thought the "no travel" was a good compromise until we moved here. I guess we could do New Years??

We actually take the opposite approach. My family is Jewish and his is Christian, and both are out of town. Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only two holidays all year that we are always able to travel to celebrate. So it's only fair that each family should get one of them, and of course it wouldn't make sense to spend Christmas with my family because they don't do anything. We've now been doing Thanksgiving with my family for 10 years and I do think they kind of "own" it. Same way his family "owns" Christmas. Keeping it the same every year is great because everyone knows when to expect us, which really cuts down on the drama.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but some people do not want to miss every Thanksgiving with their family because their spouse is Jewish. It might be fair in your case but it doesn't work in all cases especially considering with many families, Christmas is tricky because sometimes some or all siblings are spending them with their in-laws and Thanksgiving is the only time the entire family is together. There is no easy solution.

[Anonymous]

"It's even less fun with the Aunt and Uncle come because then all conversations around the table are in Korean and revolve around my weight. "

LOL!!!

[Anonymous]

DH's family is in town and my parents live out of town and I see where DH and his parents are coming from. WE see in-laws all the time and they are wonderful, but since its limited, I really like to have my parents get some one-on-one time with DCs. They need an opportunity to form that same close relationship and you cant do it if the local grandma, who is closer to the child, is there too.

Also, with many parents and in-laws, there is an added stress when hosting that you have to cater to their idiosyncracies and if his parents are only with you for a limited time, it doesnt seem fair to have to concentrate on your parents as well.

We're observant and jewish so we have a bunch of holidays to split and ultimately decided to host Thanksgiving locally. Bc we make it to my parents at least 2-3 other times during the year and they come up regularly, we host both families (DH and mine) for Thanksgiving, as well as anyone else who wants to come. But if we only saw them for 1 holiday a year, I could understand wanting to keep it to just them.

[Anonymous]

Stick with your plans. Invite your ILs for whichever day they'd like to join you.

Your DH and MIL are being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

You have to set the terms of your holidays. Your DH needs to grow up and tell his parents that this is what we are doing and if you don't like it, then there is nothing that you can do. We had the same issue and we everyone now does Thanksgiving together plus my brother, his wife and his in laws and my husband's cousins. We made it more the merrier and it has turned out so well for all the family involved. The kids love it because they see all their cousins and it is really fun for them. The adults love it because no one is alone and the love seeing all the kids.

The kids aren't going to spend every single minute with their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but some people do not want to miss every Thanksgiving with their family because their spouse is Jewish. It might be fair in your case but it doesn't work in all cases especially considering with many families, Christmas is tricky because sometimes some or all siblings are spending them with their in-laws and Thanksgiving is the only time the entire family is together. There is no easy solution.

Why sorry? Every family is different and has different arrangements. I was just giving my perspective on what worked for us. I certainly don't think it has to be that way for everyone. I like tradition and for us it works better to do the same thing every year, but I would certainly be open to spending TG with DH's family if we could then visit my family for the December holidays. But Christmas is a BIG deal in DH's family and they would freak out if we skipped it, and even though DH has converted I think he'd be sad to spend Christmas doing movies and Chinese food with my family. So it works out fine for us. Whenever my MIL starts to whine about TG, my DH reminds her that it's one or the other and she shuts up quick. I wish we had more time to travel or lived closer so we could see both families multiple times during the holidays.