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thanksgiving dilemma.. what to do?
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Anonymous
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Let me preface this by saying that DH's family does not celebrate Christmas.
Each year we have traveled to his hometown (midwest) for Thanksgiving and mine (DC or FL) for Christmas (we lived in NYC). After last year, we were totally beat and had spent SO much money traveling and both mutually agreed that we were not traveling over the holidays anymore - we'd make other trips to see our family at other points during the year - and we were having our holidays at home. This year, we unexpectedly moved to DC so we see my parents a lot as we live 10 minutes away. We planned to have Thanksgiving with my parents and extended family at one of my cousins' homes. This particular group of people are only in town at Thanksgiving. All of a sudden, DH wants his parents and sister to come visit for Thanksgiving, but with the caveat that we host them at our home and don't eat with my extended family, because his mother won't feel comfortable. On one hand, I understand his point that we see my family all the time and never see his family, but we don't always see the people who will be there at Thanksgiving- and I really want to see them. I don't see why they can't (a) suck it up and join the rest of my family for Thanksgiving, or (b) come on Friday and we'll have Thanksgiving Part Two here at our home. I don't really see what the big deal is about arriving here Friday morning instead of Thursday morning like they want to do. I HATE THIS HOLIDAY STUFF!!! We were going to try to avoid this drama by staying home for holidays, but now that we live next to my family it has become a competition again, at least with MIL. |
Anonymous
| How about having lunch with one set of family and dinner with the other? |
Anonymous
| This is a no brainer-host your inlaws at your house and then make plans for the rest of the weekend with your family. You said you see your parents all the time and extended family is not as important as your husband's parents. |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel your pain. My parents also live in this area, however, my in-laws do not. It makes sharing holidays such a pain because I am all for everyone to be together but my husband does not think that is fair (i.e. his parents should have time alone with our DS because my parents see him all the time). Ugh!
I do think the idea of having lunch with one family and dinner with the other is a great idea. |
Anonymous
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I would do Thanksgiving Part II or consider hosting a Thanksgiving breakfast. In the alternative I would put my foot down and invite his family for Thanksgiving, then let them decide what to do. It isn't your problem that they can't deal with celebrating a holiday with family from both sides on Thanksgiving (WTH?). You and your DH are a family unit now, and can issue invitations that can be taken or left at the guests' discretion.
I think your DH is being unreasonable and forcing you, unnecessarily, into this position. I would add that the fact that his family doesn't celebrate Christmas doesn't translate to them owning Thanksgiving every year. My DH's family is Jewish and we had that same issue, until I pointed out to DH that it wasn't fair to ASSume that his family had a monopoly on the only common holiday. Why can't you do New Year's with your ILs? |
Anonymous
| I will suggest that but it would have to be lunch with DH's family since we aren't hosting the dinner and there's so many people coming, I'd have no control over the time. They eat at 6 every year and it's about 40 mins away. So that could work IF mil agrees to lunch.... |
Anonymous
I disagree. I don't see family as hierarchical; all family is important. His parents are being fusspot PITAs. |
Anonymous
This won't work for a few reasons: 1. ILs will be here all weekend and made it clear that they do not want to "share" the holiday with my family - MILs words, not mine. 2. My extended family will only be here on Thursday. |
Anonymous
| What if you hosted everyone on Thursday. Would your in-laws be more comfortable on your turf? If not I think you need to suck it up and spend the holiday with your husband's family. |
Anonymous
I totally agree about owning Thanksgiving - it is so obnoxious, but my Dh won't really bend on it - so I thought the "no travel" was a good compromise until we moved here. I guess we could do New Years?? |
Anonymous
I'd love to host everyone, but my extended family has this long tradition of going to a specific person's house for Thanksgiving and I'm not going to screw around with it. Plus I don't have enough room for 20 some people. |
Anonymous
This is the conversation your DH needs to have with MIL (or if he won't, then you need to): MIL: "I don't want to *share* the holiday with your family." DH (or you): "Thanksgiving is all about sharing and community. We are blessed to have family on both sides, and now that we live here, we plan to share it with everyone who is in the area. We would all love it if you would join us for dinner; it is at X place at Y time." |
Anonymous
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PP here - repeat as necessary.
Really, I don't even know your MIL and I want to wring her neck. |
Anonymous
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Thanks - that is good advice and I will talk to DH about having that conversation with her.
Believe me, I want to wring her neck too. The only saving grace about this situation is that she lives in the midwest! |
Anonymous
| Our families are so mixed up and blended that we always have "the turkey Thanksgiving" and the "Prime rib (or ham) Thanksgiving" at the bare minimum. We've had as many as three thanksgivings. The key is to just take it in stride and have a buck-stops-here attitude about stress. For most of us, the days of holidays being forever a tradition of sameness are LONG gone. |