What do you all do about parents living far away?

[Anonymous]

If he's getting breathless on the stairs, can he live downstairs? I would figure out exactly what help they need, and try to hire someone remotely, or visit more often and set them up while you're there. Look into what services are available for old people in their area. If you keep in close touch by emailing or calling daily you would know if something went wrong. Make a plan in advance what you would do in the event something goes wrong.

My parents are living near a sibling and try to do everything themselves still. However, the closest hospital is a half hour away and they live in a rural area that doesn't have much to offer in the way of help. They rely on neighbors a lot. My grandmother lived by herself til the end, hiring someone to deliver groceries once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in Europe and refuse to move closer. Am visiting and they clearly need lots of help though still independent. I know before people have said ‘you can’t force them’ but like - what does that actually look like in reality? I can’t just not go for emergencies (of which there will soon be many). Dad is getting breathless on stairs (copd) and cranky and fell asleep in his clothes this eve. If I move back we lose big salaries. What do I do?

You take a time where you aren't spiraling emotionally and carefully think through the options. You then decide what to do. You know what this looks like in reality. You do nothing and let your dad fall down the stairs, or you move and lose a big salary, or...you put more research into the problem and see what other choices exist.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't bother me.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same position. Parents live in the UK. 67 year father is very physically healthy but has bad dementia. Undiagnosed but he can’t perform basic tasks and has zero short term memory. He even forgets me occasionally. 69 year old mum is doing a good job of looking after him but she’s not as physically healthy.

Like OP I have no siblings. I don’t have a big salary but I have small children and a foreign husband. I’ve emigrated and it’s a permanent thing.

OP, tbh I think I have my head in the sand and I try not to think about it most of the time. Life is busy so this is easy to do but I cry late at night when I think about it sometimes.

The only marginally useful I do is research online to try and find resources for my mum. And urging her to get help with my dad. And I try and send lots of photos to help them feel connected to their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Same position, parents 81 and 85. Still healthy and living independently. Back in 2020 we offered to buy them a house in US and somehow they rent their house out in UK to offset the monthly payment, it's very complicated but financially it actually work with 3% mortgage rate back then.

The problem is they are very picky about the house they live in, there is absolutely no compromise on the house I can afford and what they can live in. After 2 years and amit more competitive housing market I just gave up.

Now I am saying you either move to US and I put you in an assertive living facility near my house with $5000+ a month fees, or you stay in UK and live in your house and stop complaining I am not doing my part. It is impossible to buy them a house and make the finance work with 7% mortgage rate.

[Anonymous]

I had to “rescue” my mother from overseas. She had an Alzheimer crisis during Covid lockdown. As soon as flights resumed, I flew to bring her here. She is a US citizen and had US health insurance. I quit my job, and take care of her. I am married with two kids; also an only child.

I wonder what will happen in twenty years or so from now, with all these “onlies” who were born to older parents. I am in that situation now, and it is a huge challenge. I did reach out to some state programs that provide free respite and $$ for in-home care. It isn’t a lot, but it helps. I have had to miss so many of my kids events. I hate being tied to my house, and secretly hope my mom declines quickly and peacefully.