What do you all do about parents living far away?

[Anonymous]

They are in Europe and refuse to move closer. Am visiting and they clearly need lots of help though still independent. I know before people have said ‘you can’t force them’ but like - what does that actually look like in reality? I can’t just not go for emergencies (of which there will soon be many). Dad is getting breathless on stairs (copd) and cranky and fell asleep in his clothes this eve. If I move back we lose big salaries. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in Europe and refuse to move closer. Am visiting and they clearly need lots of help though still independent. I know before people have said ‘you can’t force them’ but like - what does that actually look like in reality? I can’t just not go for emergencies (of which there will soon be many). Dad is getting breathless on stairs (copd) and cranky and fell asleep in his clothes this eve. If I move back we lose big salaries. What do I do?

* not ‘big big’ salaries but by European standards big

[Anonymous]

You continue to offer to move them, meaning you do all the work of the move. Sometimes older people have a hard time with the planning and decisionmaking. Especially with an international move with a lot of questions about immigration and what their health care would be.

Then you tell yourself they are of sound mind and all you can do is offer.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same predicament with my parents, OP, and have no idea! My MIL is also in Europe and has round-the-clock aides to help her age in place. They're supervised by my BIL who lives nearby. I have no siblings, so I'm not sure I can replicate that level of care for my parents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same predicament with my parents, OP, and have no idea! My MIL is also in Europe and has round-the-clock aides to help her age in place. They're supervised by my BIL who lives nearby. I have no siblings, so I'm not sure I can replicate that level of care for my parents...

And there's no question of them moving to the States. Neither I nor my husband have US citizenship yet. We cannot sponsor them.

[Anonymous]

I am also in the same predicament, except that my mom would want to live with me and put all the caregiving on me. She can’t move here either and I can’t afford round the clock care for her here either. But she refuses care at home. I don’t know what to do. I work remote so I spend a lot of time there but this won’t be sufficient and puts a strain on my own health and my family. I just don’t have the physical strength to do this.

[Anonymous]

I intend to do nothing. I moved here 30 years ago, so it's been a long time and a lot has changed since. I have a sibling living locally. To be honest, in Europe they don't prolong the lives of elderly to such extent as here, as they don't do all the last minute operations and the like. I don't expect decades of care as seems to be more and more common here. Most of my distant elderly relatives there have passed after emergencies or a quick illness (several died of Covid). I think realistically if you have a local sibling, they'll get to check in. If not, hire someone to do that, could be a relative. I don't intend to move anyone as they don't have health insurance here, don't speak the language, don't know anyone, which would mean they'd be entirely reliant on me. I'm not retired nor childless, so am unable to take this on.

[Anonymous]

Op - I don’t have any siblings and my parents don’t live in a place with a ‘just die’ culture that the pp describes.
My parents are super hard work and can be mean but I don’t want them to be totally isolated. It’s just phenomenally expensive to hire someone to be around full time and they won’t want to go into care.

[Anonymous]

Well, what kind of answer are you looking for here? You figure out what you can do and do that. You cannot do something that you financially or physically cannot. Whether they like something or not becomes secondary to what can actually be done. They may not want to go into care, but if you're not there to help and care is too expensive to hire, then they either go or have to manage by themselves. My country of origin certainly doesn't have a "just die" culture, what a strange thing to say. I'd say the way elderly are kept alive here is an outlier compared to the rest of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, what kind of answer are you looking for here? You figure out what you can do and do that. You cannot do something that you financially or physically cannot. Whether they like something or not becomes secondary to what can actually be done. They may not want to go into care, but if you're not there to help and care is too expensive to hire, then they either go or have to manage by themselves. My country of origin certainly doesn't have a "just die" culture, what a strange thing to say. I'd say the way elderly are kept alive here is an outlier compared to the rest of the world.

Op - you said in Europe they don’t prolong the lives of the elderly like they do here: which is a huge and incorrect generalization. my parents are in Europe and they and their friends have very similar healthcare and attitude to aging to the US. In most countries where the healthcare is decent, they will try to ‘fix’ problems until they become un fixable.
Either way, it’s fair to have concerns about how to help aging parents far away

[Anonymous]

My father lives 3000 miles away. He has insurance of all kinds and would use that.

[Anonymous]

Having been through the phases with both parents, from the beginning of health decline through death, I can tell you this much: Don’t bank on the expectation that your parent will go from living independently to sudden death. There will likely be at least a 1-6 month period of required round-the-click care, likely coming after a 1-2 year period (at minimum) where at-home help with some needs (cooking, dressing, bathing) is necessary. Either they pay, or you pay.

[Anonymous]

My mother was extremely difficult so honestly I let her be. My dad took care of her the best he could which wasn’t great (he didn’t realize she was dying and wasn’t really keeping her clean but it was better than nothing).
My dad, I brought him here, but he was easy to uproot for an old person.
Basically the rule is that either they let you help them or they are on their own.

[Anonymous]

There are only 2 options:
1) Kill yourself trying to be a hero
2) Drop the rope. Tell them if they are hospitalized or experience some emergency, you absolutely cannot just leave work and get on a plane and fly out in a moment's notice. Something will happen, they will probably be ok, and either they will realize you are right, or they will continue the course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I intend to do nothing. I moved here 30 years ago, so it's been a long time and a lot has changed since. I have a sibling living locally. To be honest, in Europe they don't prolong the lives of elderly to such extent as here, as they don't do all the last minute operations and the like. I don't expect decades of care as seems to be more and more common here. Most of my distant elderly relatives there have passed after emergencies or a quick illness (several died of Covid). I think realistically if you have a local sibling, they'll get to check in. If not, hire someone to do that, could be a relative. I don't intend to move anyone as they don't have health insurance here, don't speak the language, don't know anyone, which would mean they'd be entirely reliant on me. I'm not retired nor childless, so am unable to take this on.

Americans seem to age worse overall, probably from the crappy diet and car-dependant lifestyle. Americans have many more years of bad health, which of course equates to $$$$$.