Traveling with Kids - Don't want to do it without them. Can't do it with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So wife and I love to travel. We have two sons 14 and 16. 14 year old is easy going. 16 year old has issues. He hates everything. We have gone on many trips when they were young like...until the 16 year old was 12, but since then, he never wants to go...with us! He complains non stop. Is miserable. Ruins the trips. So we really haven't went anywhere as a family in a while. We have rented a large enough beach house where the kids can bring friends and it was fine but we'd like to go as a family. We don't want to take the 14 year old to Europe and leave the 16 year behind, but we also don't want to limit our 14 year old's vacations. Anyone run into this and how did you manage "that" kid? Thanks

You need to discern whether this is attitude or OCD/anxiety. My teen was the same and I finally realized how miserable he was when we traveled. I stopped forcing him and allowed him to decide when to travel. Now he only chooses places he knows well. It is sad, but a mental health reality for some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't really a travel issue, it's more a Teens and Tweens issue. You're looking for suggestions on dealing with behavior, not suggestions of places where a spoiled, self-absorbed teen might like to travel to. My two cents, which addresses both aspects: send him by himself on a voluntourism trip to a developing country. He'll see pretty quick what a nice life he has. This will also give you the opportunity to travel with your non-bratty child and have a good time.

OP here. You are spot on. This is really a mental health issue and we do have him in counseling...only about 5 sessions in. I hope it improves. And yes, we have thought many times to go without and him and send him elsewhere but, we hate the thought of being somewhere without him.

[Anonymous]

Op, you have a few choices: accept the 16 year old as is, and ignore their complaining and hating everything; or leave the 16 year old with grandparent or sign up for some overnight camp / pre college where they can spend a couple of weeks.

At that age they also like friends more, any possibility for them to take a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like a failure to parent. Of my child was behaving like that I would not tolerate it. And yes, I have teenagers.

You’ve never had a difficult kid. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

There is no reason to not travel as a family. Have a family talk before and do not accept poor behavior.

This is truly a parenting fail.

[Anonymous]

Can you make this less about the expectation that he enjoy the travel and more about being with his family and supporting the interests of others in the family? Maybe he truly doesn't enjoy traveling. Instead of expecting him to have the time of his life, set the expectation that he doesn't ruin others' experience with constant complaining and negativity. Might be a more realistic baseline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't really a travel issue, it's more a Teens and Tweens issue. You're looking for suggestions on dealing with behavior, not suggestions of places where a spoiled, self-absorbed teen might like to travel to. My two cents, which addresses both aspects: send him by himself on a voluntourism trip to a developing country. He'll see pretty quick what a nice life he has. This will also give you the opportunity to travel with your non-bratty child and have a good time.

OP here. You are spot on. This is really a mental health issue and we do have him in counseling...only about 5 sessions in. I hope it improves. And yes, we have thought many times to go without and him and send him elsewhere but, we hate the thought of being somewhere without him.

You need to get over yourself if you want to travel and put him somewhere where he has a learning experience.
You do realize in 2 years he will be an adult and doesn’t “have” to go or do anything with you?

[Anonymous]

I have this kid. She’s on the spectrum and has anxiety and honestly travel is hard for her. Lack of private space, out of routine, gets overheated easily. It’s been a balance of trying to pick destinations she can work with while also not letting her completely dictate the family plans or always stay in her comfort zone. We have to manage activities and build in downtime for her no matter where we go. She sometimes doesn’t like it no matter what. She’s always glad when we return home. But I also hate the idea of having all these family memories of trips that she isn’t there.

[Anonymous]

Italy is your country! We have 2 like this with our younger 12 DD like your 16 DS. Food is a big prob she's so picky.

But let me tell you - I don't know how someone can not get down with Italy.

Tokyo is a close second as it has everything.

You have to find a thing that clicks with your kid be it food, a specific interest and it can be totally random. Italy is just that country with a little of everything.

Other places are beautiful but not as down to earth maybe aka Prague, Copenhagen, Belgium and down to earth places aka Iceland, CR maybe tend to be more one dimensional in outdoor activities. So you pick a place with a little of everything or specific interest - just one thing will help.

The places we pick tend toward a lot of different things. But the biggest hits were Japan and Italy. As someone pretty well travelled they are also my 2 favorites in that they are countries with broad appeal. I've been elsewhere with take your breath away beauty or relaxation or exotic uniqueness. QC for example and even Paris are places my kids may hate but I love. Ditto Barcelona and Prague. It's just not for them but they loooooooooooved anywhere in Italy and Japan

[Anonymous]

Do you have help (i.e. grandparents?). If so, one vacation without kids, one vacation with.

[Anonymous]

I mean, it’s very normal for a 16 year old to prefer friend time to family time. Maybe reframe your perspective to finding joy in seeing your teen build strong friendships and plan vacations friends can join? Or stick to shorter long weekend style trips so the lack of friend time doesn’t have time to fester?

As the parent of an only, we have nearly always brought along a friend or two since DS was around 12. It’s added a lot to our trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like a failure to parent. Of my child was behaving like that I would not tolerate it. And yes, I have teenagers.

Same. But my kids have currency. They like their friends and their phones and their pricey EC’s so they know I expect modest family participation and respect in return. It’s harder for kids who have no currency. There is a lady on her who says her son doesn’t care if she takes everything away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send the 16 year old to overnight camp for two weeks. And do whatever other travel you want.

This is the answer and what I would do.

[Anonymous]

My sister told me that when traveling with her teens, it was vital that she planned plenty of downtime. It killed her and her husband to leave their teens in the hotel so they could be on their phones instead of exploring an amazing new city, but that was how the teens didn’t burn out. My sister and her husband did their own thing during that time.

My kids are younger but I can see already how some kids really need a lot more downtime. One busy day and then 1-2 low key days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister told me that when traveling with her teens, it was vital that she planned plenty of downtime. It killed her and her husband to leave their teens in the hotel so they could be on their phones instead of exploring an amazing new city, but that was how the teens didn’t burn out. My sister and her husband did their own thing during that time.

My kids are younger but I can see already how some kids really need a lot more downtime. One busy day and then 1-2 low key days.

+1
We just came back from a three-city European vacation and letting our 15 year old hang back every now and then was key.