I Don't Initiate Playdates. Will My Child Suffer Socially?

[Anonymous]

Agree with the 11 year old planning for themselves. Perhaps encourage your kid to do this. It’s a weird age as some parents continue to plan and others have thier kids plan. Make sure your kid knows when they are allowed to invite kids over.

[Anonymous]

My 12 year olds do all the planning. The parents get involved with coordination to make the plans happen since the kids can’t drive. If you don’t like hosting (I don’t either, so I feel you on that) be the parent that volunteers to take the group to the movies, or shopping, or whatever non-home thing they want to do. That’s what I do to feel like I’m still pulling my weight with the friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar here. We are busy with a home renovation and unruly large breed puppy which makes hosting unappealing these days.

At this age the kids plan their own hangouts (asking permission from their parents of course).

I host far less than most but I do suck it up once in awhile and reciprocate by letting the kids plan and have a bunch of kids over at once. Easier to plan and accommodate than hosting each kid separately. I also do more than my fair share of driving/carpooling and usually jump to volunteer when I am able (driving is a lot easier to manage for me than hosting)- so I try to reciprocate in that way as well.

So the dog’s needs are more important than the kids’ needs?

I might be a temporary situation for that PP (at least I would hope so). We adopted a large breed rescue a few years ago, and until the dog had some training, I wasn’t comfortable with him around my kids’ friends. It was temporary, but it was for everyone’s safety.

[Anonymous]

No prob. People come on DCUM to vent and complain about everything. But most of us genuinely do not keep score or care about who hosts and who doesn’t.

We all have different obligations and interests etc - for every parent who hates hosting (or can’t host), there’s a parent who loves it and is thrilled to be the go-to house. It all works out!

When it comes to others, my advice is to stay comfortable in your own skin. No worries or apologies or self-conscious / self-deprecating comments needed. We’re all doing the best we can and what works for us as we go. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Oh - I just saw the last part. Absolutely NO to declining invitations when you can’t reciprocate. Again, most people don’t keep score or act petty about these things. If someone does, you can deal with it later. But otherwise, assume the best of people and things will be fine.

P.S. We rarely plan anything for our tween/teens anymore - they handle that themselves - and we’re not always up for “hosting.” But when we can, we’re happy to offer to drive (to the mall, movies etc.), including picking up other kids along the way or driving around to drop them off. We can’t always, of course. But to us, this is part of “doing our part”. Planning and hosting are just two version of helping each other out. Occasionally taking on the driving part is another option. Just do what you can when you can. All good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the 11 year old planning for themselves. Perhaps encourage your kid to do this. It’s a weird age as some parents continue to plan and others have thier kids plan. Make sure your kid knows when they are allowed to invite kids over.

+1

You don't need to invite and play the hang out. But you should be helping your kid plan for themselves and then one of you should be around in case something comes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I think of playdates I think of younger children (2-6 years old), at a certain point kids take over that role. I don’t plan playdates for my 9 year old. It stopped around the time he was 7 years old. He has a series of extracurriculars now and he makes friends at school. Outside of birthday parties and a handful of get togethers we don’t really have time as he’s busy. 2-5 year olds is harder to make friends when they’re not in school or a series of ECs so usually parents have to organize more peer social experiences.

OP here. That's how I thought it'd be. I planned for him when he was young and do so for his younger DS. However, the parents of his school friends email and text me initiating get together. The added layer is they are getting my number from the school directory, so really going out of their way to do this and I don't want to appear rude or "unappreciative" for not reciprocating- we literally just don't have time to organize.

I appreciate the suggestions of inviting a friend of two when we have family activities plan. I'll be honest that I usually try to "protect " those times because DH works a lot and they are few and far between, but adding a friend or two every now and then, won't hurt.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to invite to your home, you could invite to a park, take out for ice cream, bring to your neighborhood pool, to a movie, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year olds do all the planning. The parents get involved with coordination to make the plans happen since the kids can’t drive. If you don’t like hosting (I don’t either, so I feel you on that) be the parent that volunteers to take the group to the movies, or shopping, or whatever non-home thing they want to do. That’s what I do to feel like I’m still pulling my weight with the friend group.

I appreciate this suggestion. Thank you!
Logistical question, doe parents meet at a central location or drop and pick the kids up from your house or the venue? DS is in private school so his friends live all over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No prob. People come on DCUM to vent and complain about everything. But most of us genuinely do not keep score or care about who hosts and who doesn’t.

We all have different obligations and interests etc - for every parent who hates hosting (or can’t host), there’s a parent who loves it and is thrilled to be the go-to house. It all works out!

When it comes to others, my advice is to stay comfortable in your own skin. No worries or apologies or self-conscious / self-deprecating comments needed. We’re all doing the best we can and what works for us as we go. Enjoy!

OP here- thank you!

[Anonymous]

I don't think exact reciprocation is needed, but it'd be nice if one weekend day you took whatever friend hosts your child frequently on an outing with your child. I host more and have really appreciated when people have done that.

[Anonymous]

Agree - doesn’t have to be totally equal but you should try to reciprocate (offer to drive or invite kid over). At 11, hopefully you don’t have to do much besides be in the house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11 yo DS us very sociable and in several different circles due to school, club sports, and church. DH and I have very demanding jobs and outside obligations so planning and initiating playdates for DS is not a top priority. This summer I've noticed a significant increase in the number of invitations DS is receiving and injustice can't replicate it. However, I often see other parents complaining on this board that their invites aren't reciprocated. Will my DS end up getting socially isolated due to my inability to plan playdates? Should I start declining invites that I know I can't reciprocate?

I wish people would just be honest…you just don’t want to host play dates. Anytime someone says they are too busy or their jobs are too demanding it’s just an excuse for something they just don’t want to do.

It’s fine…but to say that you don’t have a couple hours available on a weekend day once per month to host 11 year olds (which don’t require tremendous supervision) is just nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 yo DS us very sociable and in several different circles due to school, club sports, and church. DH and I have very demanding jobs and outside obligations so planning and initiating playdates for DS is not a top priority. This summer I've noticed a significant increase in the number of invitations DS is receiving and injustice can't replicate it. However, I often see other parents complaining on this board that their invites aren't reciprocated. Will my DS end up getting socially isolated due to my inability to plan playdates? Should I start declining invites that I know I can't reciprocate?

I wish people would just be honest…you just don’t want to host play dates. Anytime someone says they are too busy or their jobs are too demanding it’s just an excuse for something they just don’t want to do.

It’s fine…but to say that you don’t have a couple hours available on a weekend day once per month to host 11 year olds (which don’t require tremendous supervision) is just nonsense.

Honestly, our house is too messy to host and I’m embarrassed to say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11 yo DS us very sociable and in several different circles due to school, club sports, and church. DH and I have very demanding jobs and outside obligations so planning and initiating playdates for DS is not a top priority. This summer I've noticed a significant increase in the number of invitations DS is receiving and injustice can't replicate it. However, I often see other parents complaining on this board that their invites aren't reciprocated. Will my DS end up getting socially isolated due to my inability to plan playdates? Should I start declining invites that I know I can't reciprocate?

I wish people would just be honest…you just don’t want to host play dates. Anytime someone says they are too busy or their jobs are too demanding it’s just an excuse for something they just don’t want to do.

It’s fine…but to say that you don’t have a couple hours available on a weekend day once per month to host 11 year olds (which don’t require tremendous supervision) is just nonsense.

Honestly, our house is too messy to host and I’m embarrassed to say that.

It doesn’t have to be at your house…ibut I gather you know that.