Domestic Violence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL smacked his cheating ex across the cheek the 2nd time he caught her cheating and I don’t think he would abuse his 2nd wife.

Most men would not strike a woman, no matter what. He would definitely be more likely to hit a woman again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My entire life I have been a victim and/or witness of domestic violence. The male whose sperm joined with my mother’s egg to make me then later tried to beat me out of her womb when I was not yet fully formed. That was the nature of our relationship for 31 years until I ended it altogether. He told me repeatedly over the decades what a worthless POS stupid f***ing c**t I was and how nobody would ever love me or want me and how he wished I’d never been born - but at some point I recognized that since he’d tried killing his first wife by nearly strangling her to death and beat my elder half brother and sister with great frequency, the problem clearly didn’t originate with me.

I grew up into a domestic violence advocate and then an attorney who prosecuted domestic violence crimes and other crimes against women and children. I also grew up with attachment disorder and ran from committed romantic relationships at the first sign of anything remotely dysfunctional because I had seen firsthand in childhood how a woman’s life is crushed out of her by a violent bullying tyrant and how he can also crush the souls of his kids, too.

In my 50+ years of experience NO, domestic abusers don’t change. It is very deeply ingrained behavior, rooted in a toxically misogynistic culture which permeates most everything in the marriage dynamic. In my observation most men are operating somewhere on a continuum of abuse - some are ‘just’ taking advantage of their wives or girlfriends for unpaid labor, childcare, sex work and others give the toxic masculinity free rein and include using their wives and girlfriends as physical punching bags and using their bodies for sex against their wills.

I recognize this is a shocking claim to some but I firmly believe it is true. Someday maybe we will normalize feminist relationships, which will ultimately benefit men as much as women. But we are nowhere near that time in human social development.

Stay far away from any man with a known history of domestic violence. There is enough to be wary of from the ones who don’t yet have an official record of it.

Thank you for sharing your story. can you talk a little more about feminist relationship dynamics? What does that look like? What kind of common dating practices should women avoid?

https://www.nextgenmen.ca/blog/mens-relationships-benefit-from-feminism

[Anonymous]

It’s a certainty. It’s a matter of when, not if. I treated a women who revealed her fiancé had been an abuser in previous relationship and she said “ but he’s not like that with me,” and I corrected her “he is not like that with you, YET”. It is so complicated and well hidden. Unless there are charges, the perp will minimize or blame the other party. It’s so hard to know.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've seen them change. Not most. But some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My entire life I have been a victim and/or witness of domestic violence. The male whose sperm joined with my mother’s egg to make me then later tried to beat me out of her womb when I was not yet fully formed. That was the nature of our relationship for 31 years until I ended it altogether. He told me repeatedly over the decades what a worthless POS stupid f***ing c**t I was and how nobody would ever love me or want me and how he wished I’d never been born - but at some point I recognized that since he’d tried killing his first wife by nearly strangling her to death and beat my elder half brother and sister with great frequency, the problem clearly didn’t originate with me.

I grew up into a domestic violence advocate and then an attorney who prosecuted domestic violence crimes and other crimes against women and children. I also grew up with attachment disorder and ran from committed romantic relationships at the first sign of anything remotely dysfunctional because I had seen firsthand in childhood how a woman’s life is crushed out of her by a violent bullying tyrant and how he can also crush the souls of his kids, too.

In my 50+ years of experience NO, domestic abusers don’t change. It is very deeply ingrained behavior, rooted in a toxically misogynistic culture which permeates most everything in the marriage dynamic. In my observation most men are operating somewhere on a continuum of abuse - some are ‘just’ taking advantage of their wives or girlfriends for unpaid labor, childcare, sex work and others give the toxic masculinity free rein and include using their wives and girlfriends as physical punching bags and using their bodies for sex against their wills.

I recognize this is a shocking claim to some but I firmly believe it is true. Someday maybe we will normalize feminist relationships, which will ultimately benefit men as much as women. But we are nowhere near that time in human social development.

Stay far away from any man with a known history of domestic violence. There is enough to be wary of from the ones who don’t yet have an official record of it.

Thank you for sharing your story. can you talk a little more about feminist relationship dynamics? What does that look like? What kind of common dating practices should women avoid?

https://www.nextgenmen.ca/blog/mens-relationships-benefit-from-feminism

There’s a link at the bottom of that piece which explains the continuum of domestic abuse, which as others have said, does not have to be physical and is more commonly coercive control by means of crushing the soul of the partner by a pattern of belittling and undermining and killing self esteem.

Recently I read a piece on Substack which I’ll share if anyone is interested - it discussed in depth the reasons why a man who is coercively controlling and abusive to his wife cannot be considered a good father, not even a little bit.

I can attest to that as I said in my earlier post - my ‘father’ ruined the four children who survived being subject to fetal abuse (more than one did not). Both sons became domestic abusers and both daughters struggled with lifelong trauma and unstable relationships- one remained unmarried and childless, the other married an abuser and has coped for decades with the toxic fallout to her own children and now grandchildren. Domestic abuse and violence is handed down like an heirloom and few are able to fully escape it. This is one reason there are so many broken people.

[Anonymous]

Yes, please post link. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Most often if it seems like he has changed it is really because he is setting you up for a sucker punch. Hard to tell the difference and hard to trust while trying to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL smacked his cheating ex across the cheek the 2nd time he caught her cheating and I don’t think he would abuse his 2nd wife.

I think what the OP meant is the sustained prolonged pattern, not one incidence of shock.

I know a woman who came home one day to find her husband in their bed with another woman. She slapped her husband and got hit with the whole DV treatment during her divorce proceedings- forced to a year of therapy and anger management courses in order to get unsupervised time with her kids, etc. She’s never had any issues before that unfortunate day and I don’t think she is any danger to anyone. She is also about 5 feet tall and about 100 lbs soaking wet, to give you an idea of how threatening she would be to her 200 lbs husband.