Domestic Violence

[Anonymous]

Do domestic violence perpetrators ever change? For instance, if someone committed domestic violence in their first marriage, does it mean they will definitely do the same if they remarry?

[Anonymous]

Highly likely for sure unfortunately.

Unless the person received hard therapy for their issues as well as took an anger management course too.

Because dealing w/their anger issues requires an investment of time + effort and the person needs to learn how to deal w/their anger issues in a constructive vs. destructive manner.
This can only be achieved w/the professional assistance of a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I wont say it's impossible for a person t o change. But if my sister or friend asked me if they should move forward in relationship with someone who abused their first wife, I would say NO. Domestic abuse is much more than anger and is much more complex a problem than an anger management class can handle. Even if he stopped physical abusing there is a good chance he would verbal and emotionally abuse feel as if he has control over the girlfriend/wife. I would have to see complete transparency, proof, and have enough time to confirm that he has changed for good. Though I have to say as a person who was in a 6 mo marriage where in my husband went from zero to "I want to kill you" . . . I would not recommend a relationship with a man with that history.

[Anonymous]

My BIL smacked his cheating ex across the cheek the 2nd time he caught her cheating and I don’t think he would abuse his 2nd wife.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a LOT of men with serious anger management issues and there is occasionally a grey area between something resolvable and someone who is abusive and cannot be in a relationship. My husband was in that grey area but fixed himself when he saw I was ready to leave. If he had truly been a vindictive person on a power trip I don’t think that would have happened. He had a lot of anxiety issues that fed his anger problems.

[Anonymous]

I would have a hard time trusting a man I knew to have been violent with a woman in the past, regardless of context. It would be a hard no for me.

I think there are a lot of ways that anger presents itself in relationships that don't reach the level of actual violence but are really toxic for partners. It's possible for people to change... sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a LOT of men with serious anger management issues and there is occasionally a grey area between something resolvable and someone who is abusive and cannot be in a relationship. My husband was in that grey area but fixed himself when he saw I was ready to leave. If he had truly been a vindictive person on a power trip I don’t think that would have happened. He had a lot of anxiety issues that fed his anger problems.

How long has it been since he last was physically violent with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL smacked his cheating ex across the cheek the 2nd time he caught her cheating and I don’t think he would abuse his 2nd wife.

This would be the only exception I could easily think of. I slapped my ex during our final fight (he had a history of being violent with me, and I'd just found out he'd been violent with our youngest kid). That's technically "domestic violence", and it was unmistakably a violent act, but there were grounds that explained it, and the problem went away when he did.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters cheat.
Beaters beat.
Liars lie.

[Anonymous]

My entire life I have been a victim and/or witness of domestic violence. The male whose sperm joined with my mother’s egg to make me then later tried to beat me out of her womb when I was not yet fully formed. That was the nature of our relationship for 31 years until I ended it altogether. He told me repeatedly over the decades what a worthless POS stupid f***ing c**t I was and how nobody would ever love me or want me and how he wished I’d never been born - but at some point I recognized that since he’d tried killing his first wife by nearly strangling her to death and beat my elder half brother and sister with great frequency, the problem clearly didn’t originate with me.

I grew up into a domestic violence advocate and then an attorney who prosecuted domestic violence crimes and other crimes against women and children. I also grew up with attachment disorder and ran from committed romantic relationships at the first sign of anything remotely dysfunctional because I had seen firsthand in childhood how a woman’s life is crushed out of her by a violent bullying tyrant and how he can also crush the souls of his kids, too.

In my 50+ years of experience NO, domestic abusers don’t change. It is very deeply ingrained behavior, rooted in a toxically misogynistic culture which permeates most everything in the marriage dynamic. In my observation most men are operating somewhere on a continuum of abuse - some are ‘just’ taking advantage of their wives or girlfriends for unpaid labor, childcare, sex work and others give the toxic masculinity free rein and include using their wives and girlfriends as physical punching bags and using their bodies for sex against their wills.

I recognize this is a shocking claim to some but I firmly believe it is true. Someday maybe we will normalize feminist relationships, which will ultimately benefit men as much as women. But we are nowhere near that time in human social development.

Stay far away from any man with a known history of domestic violence. There is enough to be wary of from the ones who don’t yet have an official record of it.

[Anonymous]

I would want to find out.

[Anonymous]

No!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL smacked his cheating ex across the cheek the 2nd time he caught her cheating and I don’t think he would abuse his 2nd wife.

This would be the only exception I could easily think of. I slapped my ex during our final fight (he had a history of being violent with me, and I'd just found out he'd been violent with our youngest kid). That's technically "domestic violence", and it was unmistakably a violent act, but there were grounds that explained it, and the problem went away when he did.

No, someone cheating does not deserve to get beat. Wtf is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My entire life I have been a victim and/or witness of domestic violence. The male whose sperm joined with my mother’s egg to make me then later tried to beat me out of her womb when I was not yet fully formed. That was the nature of our relationship for 31 years until I ended it altogether. He told me repeatedly over the decades what a worthless POS stupid f***ing c**t I was and how nobody would ever love me or want me and how he wished I’d never been born - but at some point I recognized that since he’d tried killing his first wife by nearly strangling her to death and beat my elder half brother and sister with great frequency, the problem clearly didn’t originate with me.

I grew up into a domestic violence advocate and then an attorney who prosecuted domestic violence crimes and other crimes against women and children. I also grew up with attachment disorder and ran from committed romantic relationships at the first sign of anything remotely dysfunctional because I had seen firsthand in childhood how a woman’s life is crushed out of her by a violent bullying tyrant and how he can also crush the souls of his kids, too.

In my 50+ years of experience NO, domestic abusers don’t change. It is very deeply ingrained behavior, rooted in a toxically misogynistic culture which permeates most everything in the marriage dynamic. In my observation most men are operating somewhere on a continuum of abuse - some are ‘just’ taking advantage of their wives or girlfriends for unpaid labor, childcare, sex work and others give the toxic masculinity free rein and include using their wives and girlfriends as physical punching bags and using their bodies for sex against their wills.

I recognize this is a shocking claim to some but I firmly believe it is true. Someday maybe we will normalize feminist relationships, which will ultimately benefit men as much as women. But we are nowhere near that time in human social development.

Stay far away from any man with a known history of domestic violence. There is enough to be wary of from the ones who don’t yet have an official record of it.

Thank you for sharing your story. can you talk a little more about feminist relationship dynamics? What does that look like? What kind of common dating practices should women avoid?

[Anonymous]

I want to add that DV doesn’t only include physical abuse. Psychological abuse is extremely damaging.
DV is an issue more of control and power than anger. And no most abusers don’t change. It takes a tremendous amount of insight and desire for an abusive man to change not only his behavior but his attitude towards women. And most won’t even admit they are abusive. Especially if they haven’t beaten their wives.