My Mom Has Been Dead Three Days and People are Already Asking About Her House

[Anonymous]

Oh! I was going to chime in that solicitors ask me about selling my house all the time and I'm not dead!

But I'm so sorry about your mom and I think people are coming from the right place. You have a lot on your plate all at once and they are just trying to empathize.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, sadly it is OP - I'm so sorry, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

My mother died at home, and in the last few weeks it was evident to neighbors what was happening as they saw ambulances come and go, a hospital bed being delivered, etc...

She had a neighbor (immediately next door) who was a real estate agent. I received a condolence card from that neighbor, with a solicitation to list the house with her, and it was postmarked 2 days before my mother actually died.

I will never. ever. forget that. She, of course, did not get the listing but a colleague of hers did and I told that story - so I know it made it back to her. And I don't care about whether that makes me seem petty or vengeful.

I agree that most people are just trying to find something to say, or a way to commiserate on the hardship of the whole thing, but it's really hard to cope w/ the "casual" chitchat after a loss like this. My condolences to you.

[Anonymous]

Assuming they aren’t anyone with a stake in the home fishing for info, I would just assume these are people trying to make small talk and give you an opening to talk about how you’re handling your mom’s death. Asking about house probably seems more benign than probing into how you’re handling grief (plus people are weird about handling grief anyway).

It’s clunky, but unless there is the possibility of an ulterior motive (unlikely since you’re an only child so no other heirs), I’d just chalk it up to people grasping for something to talk about.

[Anonymous]

People are socially inept around death. Just glare at them and say "I'm focusing on mourning right now." and then walk away.

[Anonymous]

It could be selfishness or it could be genuinely trying to help with advice or pitching in. It’s hard to know. Just say we’re still just consulting with estate attorneys at this point. And you actually should because there’s a window for tax implications depending on your setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them that it is recommended that people not make any major decisions such as buying/selling a house, for at least the first year after a death.

Don't say this because it's really dumb and will just start more conversations. Bad idea to leave a house sitting unoccupied for a year and most people need to settle the estate.

[Anonymous]

Im sorry for your loss. Remember "no" is a complete sentence!

[Anonymous]

I’m very sorry, OP.
To be honest, I could see me saying this. (Obviously I will try not to in the future.) My thinking would be, “I’m so sorry she lost her mom. What a hard time this must be for her. It’s such a sad time, and then also you have all the work of settling the estate and cleaning out the house and selling it. It’s a horrible process. I really feel for her.” And because I’m super socially awkward, I would mention the house. I don’t even care about the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sadly it is OP - I'm so sorry, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

My mother died at home, and in the last few weeks it was evident to neighbors what was happening as they saw ambulances come and go, a hospital bed being delivered, etc...

She had a neighbor (immediately next door) who was a real estate agent. I received a condolence card from that neighbor, with a solicitation to list the house with her, and it was postmarked 2 days before my mother actually died.

I will never. ever. forget that. She, of course, did not get the listing but a colleague of hers did and I told that story - so I know it made it back to her. And I don't care about whether that makes me seem petty or vengeful.

I agree that most people are just trying to find something to say, or a way to commiserate on the hardship of the whole thing, but it's really hard to cope w/ the "casual" chitchat after a loss like this. My condolences to you.

Oh my gosh- that real estate agent must be related to neighbors that sent get “thinking of you” card… the card did say that on front and inside they wrote that they have always been interested in house and would love to live there-made me think if Seinfeld episode where the bit was people should combine obituaries with apartment listings… so odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, sadly it is OP - I'm so sorry, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

My mother died at home, and in the last few weeks it was evident to neighbors what was happening as they saw ambulances come and go, a hospital bed being delivered, etc...

She had a neighbor (immediately next door) who was a real estate agent. I received a condolence card from that neighbor, with a solicitation to list the house with her, and it was postmarked 2 days before my mother actually died.

I will never. ever. forget that. She, of course, did not get the listing but a colleague of hers did and I told that story - so I know it made it back to her. And I don't care about whether that makes me seem petty or vengeful.

I agree that most people are just trying to find something to say, or a way to commiserate on the hardship of the whole thing, but it's really hard to cope w/ the "casual" chitchat after a loss like this. My condolences to you.

Oh my gosh- that real estate agent must be related to neighbors that sent get “thinking of you” card… the card did say that on front and inside they wrote that they have always been interested in house and would love to live there-made me think if Seinfeld episode where the bit was people should combine obituaries with apartment listings… so odd.

I am PP- I should say that we lived in NY at the time this happened and when the Seinfeld episode came out so it really felt it was about us. We can laugh now but 30 some years ago it was so odd. We actually were glad when saw it in Seinfeld as found laughter in pain.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. And I don’t think it’s insensitive. People are trying to ask how you’re doing and next steps. Most people talk a lot about how they’re cleaning out the house, going through old memories, having an estate sale, whatever. It’s the next step after someone dies. I don’t even ask and most people start talking about the estate in normal conversation.

I think people want to share lovely memories and talk about the deceased at funerals and wakes. It seems insensitive to bring up things like that later because it seems that the family is trying to do other things.

[Anonymous]

People think this is conversation for some reason. People starting asking what we were going to do with our dead daughter's room the week after she died. It's two years later and we haven't done anything.

You do exactly what you need to do, which is probably nothing at all.

[Anonymous]

If they live near your mother tell them you are going to turn it into a homeless shelter.

[Anonymous]

I am not shocked by this. Even well-meaning people make this mistake. They think that they are helping, but sometimes they are adding to the trauma and being insensitive.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. I don't think they are being "vultures," they are just putting their foot in the mouth. If her neighbors were asking, it may be more of a practical or safety thing. Vacant houses can be a problem-risk of squatters, rodent issues, maintenance issues (grass getting long which can attract ticks and also make it harder to sell other houses in the neighborhood). It's too soon to ask, but you do need to be considerate of the other people in the neighborhood and not let it turn into the problem house on the street.