The One That Got Away Passed Away

[Anonymous]

You don’t have a “common bond”; he loved her until death. She was his partner. You were an ex-lover. You don’t have a common bond. Stop.

You can mourn him, privately. Donate to a charity he would have supported. But don’t try to centralize yourself in his life when you were not at the center of his life. Obviously, if you weren’t even notified upon his death.

[Anonymous]

The PP who said you’re trying to get to him but he is gone was spot on. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Great thread title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re grieving and that’s understandable. Sit with the grief and work your way through it. If have old letters or pictures, look through them and remember the person. Grief really is something you have to feel to get to the other side.

That said, don’t reach out to his partner. You’re trying to get to him, but he’s not there anymore. She has her own grief to work through, and as important as the relationship was to you, it doesn’t have the same meaning to her.

If you have a friend who knew you when you were dating him, reach out to them and talk things through. That would be a more appropriate point of contact.

All this.

[Anonymous]

I can see why you are an ex.

[Anonymous]

Are you nuts? Don’t do this to a widow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short - he was the love of my life and without a doubt 'the one,' but I couldn't be with him because of so, so many circumstances. I was young (20-ish) when we met and we had a whirlwind but enduring romance for the few years it lasted. I am decades older now. Found out recently that he passed away some months ago. The death notice indicates a partner by first name only. I want reach out to thank her for loving him and to share with her that we have a common bond. Have no clue if this is even possible given only a first name at a great distance away with virtually no internet footprint. I am heartbroken. But I don't understand why. For someone who hasn't been in my life in many, many, many years? Mourning what I secretly hoped could have been? For the possibility that one day our paths may have again crossed? Because it drives home the realization that time is short? Because he really was the one that got away? I am surprised at my reaction and cannot lift the funk this news has left me in. Can anyone relate or have words of wisdom to share?

I'm glad to see that you won't be contacting her. If it helps, think of this restraint as respect and care for him and for the person he ultimately decided to share his life with. I would also strongly suggest that, if you are not already engaged with a therapy, that you consider it. It appears that you may not have a stable sense of boundaries, and if this is a direction you were considering in this situation I'd think it may reflect a wider approach that wouldn't be helpful to you (or those around you potentially).

[Anonymous]

Yes, college ex who died on 9/11. I did not and never will contact his widow. I'm quite certain she would not care to hear from me.

[Anonymous]

please PLEASE do not contact his widow! That would be almost twisted, at the very least extremely narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

That's weird, do not do that

[Anonymous]

Do not contact the partner. I would not want to hear from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not contact the partner. I would not want to hear from you.

+1 Don't do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short - he was the love of my life and without a doubt 'the one,' but I couldn't be with him because of so, so many circumstances. I was young (20-ish) when we met and we had a whirlwind but enduring romance for the few years it lasted. I am decades older now. Found out recently that he passed away some months ago. The death notice indicates a partner by first name only. I want reach out to thank her for loving him and to share with her that we have a common bond. Have no clue if this is even possible given only a first name at a great distance away with virtually no internet footprint. I am heartbroken. But I don't understand why. For someone who hasn't been in my life in many, many, many years? Mourning what I secretly hoped could have been? For the possibility that one day our paths may have again crossed? Because it drives home the realization that time is short? Because he really was the one that got away? I am surprised at my reaction and cannot lift the funk this news has left me in. Can anyone relate or have words of wisdom to share?

Absolutely do not contact his widow. WTH is wrong with you? Go have a drink and cry with friends.

[Anonymous]

"I want reach out to thank her for loving him and to share with her that we have a common bond."

Whaaa? I'm glad people have talked you out of contacting him.

You would likely hurt his partner or at least inject a bit of insecurity or doubt into her memories of him.

[Anonymous]

💔 It is completely understandable that you are dealing w/such a myriad of emotions here OP.

However I would refrain from contacting the partner and let them grieve in peace.

Pray for them if you must but it is best to not reach out.