How to disclose past sexual abuse to adult siblings

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, this must be very difficult. I've not been in your situation, but what I do know is that, a lot of time we spend a great deal of time thinking about something, and become convinced we know how our relatives would react, but if we do bring it up, the reaction may be completely different.

Ultimately, it's important to understand that your siblings are separate people and you cannot know whether they would tune you out, be supportive, or anything in between. And there is really no way to tell them without opening yourself up to hurtful responses. Or possibly finally receiving comfort.

If your goal is to share the information so that your siblings don't think of you badly for distancing yourself from your parents, I think you should work on figuring out why their opinion matters, and if it should. If you don't have close relationships with them at this point, I don't think you owe them anything, but you owe yourself some peace over this.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's a very good expression commonly used in therapy... "secrets are sicknesses".

Secrets are corrosive, toxic, cancerous and debilitating. The only person the secret hurts, is the one being forced to hold it in.

For your own mental health, I vote that you should definitely tell them.
Regardless of what comes after that, you will at the very least have unburdened yourself of the 30 or 40 years that you were forced to hold this secret in.

Unburden yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm not sure how to share but maybe this will open the door to other potential victims amongst your siblings. Agree you need to share and keep your distance.

+1

If my sibling told me that my father abused her but didn't tell me... and I had allowed my children to be around him... I would have VERY mixed emotions.

See op there she goes, blaming the victim. And people wonder why people don’t tell.
I have a very similar story op, but it was an uncle not my father. I had a ton of anxiety when I was pregnant about going to family events, and I knew I would never let the child around him. Thankfully, he died suddenly when I was still pregnant. It was a wonderful day.

In your case, I would definitely not be helping out my parents in their old age.
There’s probably a reason why your siblings live far away.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice about how to tell siblings as I’ve never told mine or my parents, mainly because my mom would side with my aunt and that would’ve been more painful that the abuse.

I would speak with a therapist about wording. But know that you will mostly likely blow up your family and it could make things more painful for you. Best of luck.

You have it backwards. I am suggesting the OP TELL. Don't keep it a secret.

[Anonymous]

I think you should confront your father alone before he dies and see what he says. Then you should tell your mother and siblings.

[Anonymous]

So I’m so sorry this happened to you. I think if one of my siblings experienced something similar I would want to know so that I could be a source of support. In your position I would not assume there weren’t other victims.

Slightly different situation but I have some cousins (not first cousins so I had no relationship with the abuser) who were molested by their mother’s brother. I think it was 3 of 4 girls. Later in life one of the girls refused to acknowledge her mother or help with her end of life care. Everyone is pretty confident she must have told her mother what happened and she did nothing.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I think as others have said you should talk to a therapist who can help you prepare to tell your siblings. Then tell them and also let them know you won’t be stepping up to take on the caretaking.

Let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I thank everyone for their input, all of which has helped me think more clearly about how to proceed. Thank you especially to the posters who validated my feelings of needing to relieve myself of the burden of keeping this terrible secret all of these years. Some stories need to be told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I thank everyone for their input, all of which has helped me think more clearly about how to proceed. Thank you especially to the posters who validated my feelings of needing to relieve myself of the burden of keeping this terrible secret all of these years. Some stories need to be told.

You may find out that they were also abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm not sure how to share but maybe this will open the door to other potential victims amongst your siblings. Agree you need to share and keep your distance.

+1

If my sibling told me that my father abused her but didn't tell me... and I had allowed my children to be around him... I would have VERY mixed emotions.

Way to victim blame. 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

[Anonymous]

I haven't disclosed my stepfather exposing himself to me to my sister. He was abusive in every other way as well and with me as the scapegoat in the family she joined in in being both mentally and physically abusive to me. We are estranged now. I thought about disclosing it when she had young kids and my mom and stepfather would visit, but I didn't think there was a ton of risk there, so I never did.

YMMV. If you have siblings with kids and he'll be around them, I do think you should disclose it. Be prepared for it to do you absolutely no good, or worse, though.

[Anonymous]

I hope you get some peace out of whatever path you go down. And whether you decide to tell specifics or not, you should tell your siblings in no uncertain terms that you will never, ever help with elder care for these people.

My sibling is fully aware that I plan to do nothing for my father. She plans to do very little herself, although probably more than I will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should confront your father alone before he dies and see what he says. Then you should tell your mother and siblings.

He will pretend he doesn’t remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't bother. At least not till they are dead. No one in my family cared. And I even told people right after it happened. I've just learned very few people are actually caring of other's problems. If your mom wasn't caring, why would your siblings be caring?

Also it's most important that you process this information. To involve others could end up being more abusive to you. And then learn to live in the present and not the past.

This is terrible advice.
I'm sorry you went through that and that no one cared, but you're projecting your experience into OP, and that's not fair to her, as your familial dynamics could be completely different.

You're also speaking from a place of anger, resentment and bitterness, and it's skewing your perception.

She specifically says her family doesn't talk about sexual issues, is sexually repressed and is not caring. Her family sounds worse than mine at caring about this stuff. Someone else made this comment and I agree "Dysfunctional systems often like to maintain homeostasis."

She's welcome to tell them but it's very likely they won't offer any compassion or very little. I think my comment in line with others was to process with a therapist and be prepared to move on positively in her life however they react.

[Anonymous]

Keto it to yourself and your therapist. Believe me when I tell you the rest of the world doesn't want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keto it to yourself and your therapist. Believe me when I tell you the rest of the world doesn't want to know.

Not true. If were the sibling and I had children, I would definitely want to know. I might be mad she didn't tell me sooner and I exposed a child to a pedo.