How to disclose past sexual abuse to adult siblings

[Anonymous]

The disclosure of Alice Munro's daughter being sexually abused by her stepfather when she was 9 has got me thinking. It really hit home as a Canadian and also someone with a similar story. During a several months period while my mother was away in China leaving my dad to be in charge of 4 kids aged 7-13 my father sexually abused me. I had just turned 12 years old and had an older sister but was more physically mature than my sister.

I didn't tell mother or my siblings. It impacted me then- I started wearing concealing sweatshirts even when it was really warm out - I remember classmates asking why I was wearing a jacket all the time, as if to hide my body so no one would be tempted to touch me. And it has impacted my relationships - looking back, in my teens and as a young adult, I was fairly sexually promiscuous. If I could go back, I would my younger self to be more selective about who I shared my body with and I would tell myself to value more the person I was, and understand that giving myself to someone was a special thing, and that I should make sure that person was worthy of me.

I expected to carry this secret to my grave and live with the pain of being let down by the adults who were supposed to protect me. As a child I was aware that telling my mother would do no good - there was no way she would leave and no way she would confront my father, who was also and still is, an extremely verbally abusive man. My mother has never been a comforter and at some level I was aware she would not be supportive if told her.

Now I wonder if it would be helpful for me to disclose to my siblings. I don't see any value in confronting my father who is now in his 80s and I still don't think my mother will react in the way I would want.

But as my parents age, there are more caregiving needs. I happen to live the closest to my parents and it seems they expect me to step up to the plate. I have mostly distanced myself from my parents, and it works for me.

I'd like to disclose to my siblings so they understand why I have not had, and do not want, a close relationship with my parents, why my personal life has been messed up and why I have often chosen to stay away from "family" events. Our entire family is emotionally distant, it's not likely anyone will rush in and say anything comforting. We also come from a sexually repressed culture and do not even talk or joke about anything remotely sexual. And it's possible they may not even believe me. It would really be for me, to lift this burden, this secret, that I have been carrying for most of my life.

For anyone who has been abused as a child and later disclosed this as an adult to your siblings or other family members, how did you decide to disclose this information? I thought of simply sending an email that mentions the Alice Munro story and making a simple statement without details. But I don't have any language for this- no one teaches you how to do this because it's taboo to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Best talked thru with a therapist.
One who can help you navigate whether it not to disclose , if, when, and , how.
I wish you peace.
Don’t be surprised if you find out other siblings were also abused in this manner.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm not sure how to share but maybe this will open the door to other potential victims amongst your siblings. Agree you need to share and keep your distance.

[Anonymous]

Be prepared your siblings might not believe yiu or might turn against you. You should see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bother. At least not till they are dead. No one in my family cared. And I even told people right after it happened. I've just learned very few people are actually caring of other's problems. If your mom wasn't caring, why would your siblings be caring?

Also it's most important that you process this information. To involve others could end up being more abusive to you. And then learn to live in the present and not the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared your siblings might not believe yiu or might turn against you. You should see a therapist.

Unfortunately this.

[Anonymous]

Do you or your siblings have children/grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm not sure how to share but maybe this will open the door to other potential victims amongst your siblings. Agree you need to share and keep your distance.

+1

If my sibling told me that my father abused her but didn't tell me... and I had allowed my children to be around him... I would have VERY mixed emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The disclosure of Alice Munro's daughter being sexually abused by her stepfather when she was 9 has got me thinking. It really hit home as a Canadian and also someone with a similar story. During a several months period while my mother was away in China leaving my dad to be in charge of 4 kids aged 7-13 my father sexually abused me. I had just turned 12 years old and had an older sister but was more physically mature than my sister.

I didn't tell mother or my siblings. It impacted me then- I started wearing concealing sweatshirts even when it was really warm out - I remember classmates asking why I was wearing a jacket all the time, as if to hide my body so no one would be tempted to touch me. And it has impacted my relationships - looking back, in my teens and as a young adult, I was fairly sexually promiscuous. If I could go back, I would my younger self to be more selective about who I shared my body with and I would tell myself to value more the person I was, and understand that giving myself to someone was a special thing, and that I should make sure that person was worthy of me.

I expected to carry this secret to my grave and live with the pain of being let down by the adults who were supposed to protect me. As a child I was aware that telling my mother would do no good - there was no way she would leave and no way she would confront my father, who was also and still is, an extremely verbally abusive man. My mother has never been a comforter and at some level I was aware she would not be supportive if told her.

Now I wonder if it would be helpful for me to disclose to my siblings. I don't see any value in confronting my father who is now in his 80s and I still don't think my mother will react in the way I would want.

But as my parents age, there are more caregiving needs. I happen to live the closest to my parents and it seems they expect me to step up to the plate. I have mostly distanced myself from my parents, and it works for me.

I'd like to disclose to my siblings so they understand why I have not had, and do not want, a close relationship with my parents, why my personal life has been messed up and why I have often chosen to stay away from "family" events. Our entire family is emotionally distant, it's not likely anyone will rush in and say anything comforting. We also come from a sexually repressed culture and do not even talk or joke about anything remotely sexual. And it's possible they may not even believe me. It would really be for me, to lift this burden, this secret, that I have been carrying for most of my life.

For anyone who has been abused as a child and later disclosed this as an adult to your siblings or other family members, how did you decide to disclose this information? I thought of simply sending an email that mentions the Alice Munro story and making a simple statement without details. But I don't have any language for this- no one teaches you how to do this because it's taboo to talk about.

I'm so sorry this happened to you... and from a parent?? The person who's supposed to protect you? 😢

I think you should tell them, because of your father was comfortable enough to do this to you, he may have also been doing it to one or even all of the others.

That's what happened to a friend of mine.

The secret was eating her alive and when she finally told the rest of them, she found out that they ALL were victims.
All of them thought that they were protecting their other siblings by not resisting him when he did it, as they thought that itvwould protect the others because then maybe he wouldn't move on to them?

Thankfully, they're all in therapy now and have become much, MUCH closer, because growing up, they were so distant from one another, which turned into being distant throughout their entire lives.
Th were each distant from one another, because each of them thought that they were the only one this was happening to.
Thus, each of them were each resentful of the others because they all thought that their siblings had a much more normal, easier childhood, because they thought they were the only ones being abused.
They were resentful and envious of their siblings, without even realizing that they were all in the same exact boat.

If your father is as awful as you say he is, its highly doubtful that any of them doubt you.
When someone has a history of being awful or abusive, no story sounds too horrible because nobody would put things like that past them.

They'll believe you, and maybe they'll open up as well?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm not sure how to share but maybe this will open the door to other potential victims amongst your siblings. Agree you need to share and keep your distance.

+1

If my sibling told me that my father abused her but didn't tell me... and I had allowed my children to be around him... I would have VERY mixed emotions.

See op there she goes, blaming the victim. And people wonder why people don’t tell.
I have a very similar story op, but it was an uncle not my father. I had a ton of anxiety when I was pregnant about going to family events, and I knew I would never let the child around him. Thankfully, he died suddenly when I was still pregnant. It was a wonderful day.

In your case, I would definitely not be helping out my parents in their old age.
There’s probably a reason why your siblings live far away.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice about how to tell siblings as I’ve never told mine or my parents, mainly because my mom would side with my aunt and that would’ve been more painful that the abuse.

I would speak with a therapist about wording. But know that you will mostly likely blow up your family and it could make things more painful for you. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. My uncle was abused by a priest and sent an email with the information to various family members after the scandal broke in the Catholic Church. One of my brothers got the email but I didn't. However, it actually allowed me to see various parts of my uncle's life in a much different and clearer light with this info. My mom had always suspected this had happened and this was proof.

I think you need to do what is best for you but I guess I'm writing to say that an email is not unprecendeted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't bother. At least not till they are dead. No one in my family cared. And I even told people right after it happened. I've just learned very few people are actually caring of other's problems. If your mom wasn't caring, why would your siblings be caring?

Also it's most important that you process this information. To involve others could end up being more abusive to you. And then learn to live in the present and not the past.

This is terrible advice.
I'm sorry you went through that and that no one cared, but you're projecting your experience into OP, and that's not fair to her, as your familial dynamics could be completely different.

You're also speaking from a place of anger, resentment and bitterness, and it's skewing your perception.

[Anonymous]

* onto

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared your siblings might not believe yiu or might turn against you. You should see a therapist.

Unfortunately this.

Yes, tell them, but make sure you are in therapy first. You may end up protecting a grandchild. You may find out your siblings were abused, though often abusers single out one person so it's less believable. Also, they need to understand why you will not be involved in eldercare. I would have no problem telling anyone who guilt tripped me what happened even staff at an AL. That said, it is likely they won't believe you or will label you the crazy one. That is why you need therapy. Dysfunctional systems often like to maintain homeostasis. It's easier to cast off the crazy one/scapegoat/identified patient than it is to admit your whole childhood was a sham, a person you loved was a monster and you may have heard things and suspected things or even witnessed things and remained silent.