Serial monogamy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been happily monogamous for 34 years. It really helps that my husband always puts my sexual needs before his and once that happens it’s his turn and then maybe mine again. I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else but I’d be a fool to give up what I have.

Same here, 32 years, but we're not what OP is asking about, which is "serial" monogamy. A succession of exclusive relationships .I'm all for excusivity and commitment but I think I know the kind of serial monogamy OP's talking about here. Having had a close relative who married five times, and had a few Very Serious Relationships! between marriages, and who always swore each of the spouses/significant others were The One At Last, I've seen serial monogamy at work. It's fine while it lasts and crashes and burns as hard as any other soured relationship when it doesn't.

It also makes your relatives, friends and colleagus tend to be skeptical, and believe you're crying wolf, whenever you make the claim, yet again, that this relationship is the real deal and the keeper. I tend to agree with a PP who said it's just shorthand for failing at truly long-term committed relationships.

OP here. I think there serial monogamists who are intentional and serial monotheistic are not intentional. Non-intentional serial monogamists think that several people are “the one” only to be disappointed and start the cycle back over again.

I’m an intentional serial monogamist. It’s not that my relationships fail or crash and burn terribly. It’s moreso that I’m realizing I don’t want to sacrifice what is required for lifetime partnership. I’ve been proposed to twice and had a couple of boyfriend who were strongly marriage minded but the relationship ended before it could go there.

Having committed 1-3 year relationships has brought me a lot of joy and good memories. The flip side is that as I get older some family members and friends judge me. I also wonder if I will later regret not settling down with one man.

Regarding the bold above:

It's fine--it truly is-- if you know you want sexually exclusive, and I guess also romantic/emotionally involved, relationships that last a couple of years at most.

But the fact that you've had "marriage minded" BFs and been proposed to twice seems to indicate that your partners have not always understood this about you.

Maybe at those times, during those relationships, you weren't as sure then as you are now that ALL you want from any partner is going to be exclusivity for a roughly 1-3 year period. It's good that you figured this out about yourself, OP!

Since you know that about yourself now, just be sure you are up front with the men about that. There will always be people who fall more in love; or are more marriage-minded; or believe they can "change your mind once we've been together a while" etc. That's why any man you're seeing and want "monogamy" with should be told up front and with crystal clarity that you truly will engage with them fully while exclusive, but will never see a long-term relationship or marriage with them or anyone else. It will mean some men will walk, but that's better than their continuing the relationship while believing they'll convince you to marry -- or even that they will be the one with whom you have a long unmarried but exclusive relationship.

I'm NOT judging here, and I repeat, it's good you've figured this out, but as your experience with being proposed to and dating "marriage-minded" men should show you -- it's important, in fairness to both yourself and to them, to start stating this up front when you both have dated to the point you both want exclusivity. Some men will be thrilled with the idea of a few years of a monogamous but no-strings relationship with sex, companionship and affection, and those who want a long-term relationship/marriage will know what they're getting into or will end things and you both can move on. In other words: Be careful you don't waste your time or anyone else's by not being very clear up front once you want to be with this person for a while. This talk will be, to be blunt, kind of a romantic buzzkill, but unless you want more proposals or potentailly painful breakups, it seems essential to have that talk at a certain, and early, point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Serial monogamy" just means "My relationships fail."

Not quite. It means that one only has sex one relationship at a time. There have been times when a short-term relationship (weeks or months) was exactly what I wanted.

NP. That’s just like…being in a relationship and not cheating on the person.

Right! lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Serial monogamy" just means "My relationships fail."

Not quite. It means that one only has sex one relationship at a time. There have been times when a short-term relationship (weeks or months) was exactly what I wanted.

Still failed. I’m not sure all your serial relationships ended peacefully in mutual agreement to separate. There is surely someone who still wanted to continue the relationship, or someone who felt deceived.