I grieve my parents death, but they are alive

[Anonymous]

I live across the country from my father and see him 1-3 times a year, depending how often he comes out here. Each time there's some indicator that age is ... aging him.

[Anonymous]

Take time off from work and visit them more. Or can they come stay with you for a month.
Life is short. Spend time with people who matter to you. Work can always wait

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 80s and alive, but I have moments of intense grief in anticipation of losing them. They live a plane ride away, so I don’t get to see them often. They look so much older every time I visit, and when I leave, I’m scared it will be the last time I hold them.

For those of you that live far from your parents, did you feel this way too?

Yes, I feel the same way. Hugs

[Anonymous]

I get it. But there’s also the opposite: I waved goodbye to my seemingly healthy 68-year-old mom after a visit (I live 350 mikes away) and she died of a heart attack two weeks later.

That was such a shock, so maybe anticipatory grief helps prepare you and lessens the pain when death actually does occur.

[Anonymous]

Yes, when my parents lived far away, I felt said every time I left after visiting. They were full of life and vitality when they were younger. It was hard to watch them bent over and moved with difficulty.

I moved them close to me, 5 minutes away. It seems to have made things easier for me emotionally. Maybe their decline is just so much less obvious from week to week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a waste of emotionally energy.

Says the psycho.

[Anonymous]

I grieved while still alive and in ailing health. When they did pass I didn't grieve as I thought I would and I attribute that to all the grieving I did before they passed.

[Anonymous]

You need help OP. That's weird.

[Anonymous]

Me too. Like someone said, it is anticipatory grief. Realizing this helped me and let me view it as helpful but also helped me focus on it less intensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grieved while still alive and in ailing health. When they did pass I didn't grieve as I thought I would and I attribute that to all the grieving I did before they passed.

Same. My mom lived to be 98. There were several times I felt like it would be good-bye but it wasn't. I mourned her and enjoyed her company too. But watching her lose her sight and mobility was hard. When she died, it felt like it was time and I was only a little bit sad. It has been a relief for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma lived to be 101.

She almost always in later years would come to the driveway to wave goodbye as I drove off. Even when she had to take a scooter to do it.

I knew somehow she wanted that to be one of my enduring memories: grandma, smiling and waving goodbye.

When I think of her, I always think: "She went with me as far as she could go." And that truth gives me peace.

This is really beautiful, PP, and made me cry.

I am struggling a little myself with my elderly dad with Alzheimer's and an elderly mom in denial. My kids are upset when they talk to him as he's barely there. I hope their memories of him are of him in good health, not like he is now.

[Anonymous]

My last parent died in January. My MIL with whom I have never had a great relationship just received a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s and is in rapid decline.

So I’m mourning the loss of maybe the comfort (?) of being someone’s child or even the reassurance that I have someone who cares for me and loves me unconditionally. I also miss just sharing details and joking around about my daily/family/work life - my parents always loved to hear it all; my MIL never asked and was generally disinterested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a waste of emotionally energy.

Says the psycho.

The one grieving someone that hasn’t died is the psycho. Wasting their life away to anxieties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a waste of emotionally energy.

Says the psycho.

The one grieving someone that hasn’t died is the psycho. Wasting their life away to anxieties.

^would love to know your backstory.

[Anonymous]

I did feel that way when I lived 1000 miles from my 84 year old mother even though I talked to her everyday. So I moved close to her and I cherish those last 6 years I had with her, helping to take care of her and just loving being with her until she passed.