I grieve my parents death, but they are alive

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their 80s and alive, but I have moments of intense grief in anticipation of losing them. They live a plane ride away, so I don’t get to see them often. They look so much older every time I visit, and when I leave, I’m scared it will be the last time I hold them.

For those of you that live far from your parents, did you feel this way too?

[Anonymous]

What a waste of emotionally energy.

[Anonymous]

It’s called anticipatory grief. It’s the way we process the idea that we are losing our parents. The good thing about it, is that when the inevitable happens, you have already dealt with some of your emotions. My mother lived close by and lived until she was 101. It was hard to watch pieces of her disappearing. When she finally died, it was sad , but also a relief. I did not want her to lose anymore of herself.

[Anonymous]

Yup. It's totally normal. I've been doing this for 20 years so far.

I found a low dose of an anti-anxiety med very helpful.

[Anonymous]

A little. My parents are an ocean away and every time I see them they are a little bit more diminished physically (mentally 100% sharp and great). The last visit made me think that once both kids are in college next year, I am going to try to spend some of the year working remotely back with them. It feels like time needs to be cherished even more than usual because it is becoming more scarce.

[Anonymous]

My grandma lived to be 101.

She almost always in later years would come to the driveway to wave goodbye as I drove off. Even when she had to take a scooter to do it.

I knew somehow she wanted that to be one of my enduring memories: grandma, smiling and waving goodbye.

When I think of her, I always think: "She went with me as far as she could go." And that truth gives me peace.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s called anticipatory grief. It’s the way we process the idea that we are losing our parents. The good thing about it, is that when the inevitable happens, you have already dealt with some of your emotions. My mother lived close by and lived until she was 101. It was hard to watch pieces of her disappearing. When she finally died, it was sad , but also a relief. I did not want her to lose anymore of herself.

+1 I also experience anticipatory grief.

[Anonymous]

Try not to let what will happen in the future steal the happiness of now. Visit as often as you can. FaceTime or do whatever you do to communicate. Drop cards in the mail. Enjoy their life and your relationship now.

[Anonymous]

I lost one parent very unexpectedly-she was in great health, late 60s and died of a very rare complication of a minor surgery for minor ailment. The other parent i lost after a couple years of illness during which I experienced anticipatory grief.

Losing a parent unexpectedly/without the anticipatory grief was so, so much more painful. It’s hard but it serves a purpose, op.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it was so hard to leave. I always left when someone else came in the room, or I'd bring them down to dinner, get them settled talking with others and then leave.

Op, when their own parents passed, that was a huge loss they suffered in their life. They were strong. They raised you strong. Let that be their legacy. That is what they would want for you.

If you can manage an after-life spin on this, they will be reunited with loved ones. They have loved parents, siblings, friends, others beyond you. They likely lost their own parents a long ago and have been living a long time without their own parents.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm exactly the same except that mine live local. I try to do the visits but when life gets in the way there's even more guilt because I know there is an absolute limit to the time I have left with them. It's crushing.

[Anonymous]

Yes… try to visit more. It helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandma lived to be 101.

She almost always in later years would come to the driveway to wave goodbye as I drove off. Even when she had to take a scooter to do it.

I knew somehow she wanted that to be one of my enduring memories: grandma, smiling and waving goodbye.

When I think of her, I always think: "She went with me as far as she could go." And that truth gives me peace.

Beautiful. I feel the same way about my dad - I know he lived a lot longer than he really wanted b/c he loved me and didn't want to leave me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not to let what will happen in the future steal the happiness of now. Visit as often as you can. FaceTime or do whatever you do to communicate. Drop cards in the mail. Enjoy their life and your relationship now.

Very good advice!