Are a circle of friends necessary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mostly do 1:1 friendships OP and I do think it works better for me. But everyone is different. I don't think I get as much out of hanging out with a group as some other people might -- I have tried at various times in my life to do the girls night or girls weekend thing and it's not horrible it's just not how I prefer to socialize or spend my time. The last time I tried it was when my first was born and I was in a mom's support group. The group was fine but afterwards people would get together at a cafe to hang out and I just found it awkward and stressful.




BUT I did become friends with one of the women in that group and we still hang out 1:1 now. But I stopped going to the group outings even though those women (including my friend) still hang out now and again. Nothing against the other women. I think I'm just not a group person.

I think the biggest drawback to this approach is that it makes it harder to have casual friends because a lot of people view 1:1 hangouts as reserved for closer friends. It would be nice to have some more "medium" friends. When I worked in an office this would have been a coworker I ate lunch with or something. But I WFH now. So I don't really have medium friends -- just acquaintances and then close friends. It works okay but I do wish it was easier to have more casual friendships with women without havign to hang out as a big group but oh well.

Agree with all this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older I get the harder it is to maintain female circles of friendship. I love other women, but when the friendships are in groups I always encounter cattiness and gossip at some point. Do you think I will regret existing friendship circles when I’m older? I’m considering just perusing individual friendships moving forward.

I don't do groups of ladies. I find the same thing and I have been in many groups from college onward both organized and informal-friendships. I do 1-1 or small group or couples.

I have known people over the years who had to have large social groups of ladies or couples and in almost every single one terrible things happened from a lady friend having an afraid with her BFF's husband to a petty fight breaking out and some queen B turning the other ladies against the one who dared to stand up to her. My parents had a large newtwork of couples friends and there was similar crazy. One wife flirted with her friend's husband all the time and when the friend passed away of a terrible disease she made a B line for the husband from the funeral onward and they are now married. There was pettiness and gossip. Now most of them barely speak to eachother and the ones who do have dementia and those convos are wild.

So no, a circle of friends is not needed. What you need is quality, not quantity. You need friends. That is important, but you figure out what that looks like.

[Anonymous]

Prefer 1:1. In groups, it seems I fall into the same role, the quiet one. That becomes the uninteresting one, probably, though I'm just trying to steer clear of drama.

I also realize I don't read women well. I was definitely confused by some of the dynamics - women who I thought were good friends with each other, and yet what was said. And the sarcasm. As I get older, I don't do sarcasm. Too risky and hurtful.

A pp mentioned wanting more medium friends. I think that's what group activities/classes are for. The same group of people showing up. Can share some, talk, but no obligation. No expectation of knowing too much.

[Anonymous]

i dont have one and I miss it.
would like to find a circle of women who are funny and also honest about parenting. would bring me a lot of joy. I used to have this but they live all over now.

[Anonymous]

It's not necessary but if you find yourself in need of help and don't have anyone to call on, it can really suck.

[Anonymous]

Now in my 40s, I am coming to accept that I don’t do well in groups. I’m much better at 1-on-1 friendships. What is this phenomenon that I can really like each woman individually but as a group, it becomes very complicated and anxiety producing?

[Anonymous]

Stars are better than circles.

[Anonymous]

When the stuff hits the fan you’ll see how many friends you really have. The fakes will ghost you.

[Anonymous]

This was good listen
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2f8k95aMDnGo7aM1vzEN37?si=KjHBYJcvRjOotqekua9RqA&t=981&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A7bnjJ7Va1nM07Um4Od55dW

[Anonymous]

There are people in Virginia you don’t want as friends. I would like to fart in their mouth though.

[Anonymous]

My dd(23) and I have both realized we do much better with one-on-one friendships, but for different reasons. She tends to get insecure, leading to passive aggressiveness, causing her to be excluded. I am Gen X and have grown to hate how Gen X behaves in a group. There HAS to be alcohol and it is consumed like we are still in college. Everyone gets trashed, loud, and there is no interesting and meaningful conversation. None of the friends I hang out with know each other, and I don’t feel the need for socializing very often. I don’t mind going to happy hour with a group of co-workers or something.

[Anonymous]

I mostly have 1:1 friends too and I feel sad about it. I don't even have that many friends.

I am part of a loosely connected group of friends that all had babies around the same time in my neighborhood. I LOVED feeling a part of that group - there were always things to do, someone to call, and when we would hang out and chat you would get such diverse perspectives on things. Unfortunately as our kids get older, go to different schools, etc. we are all a little less connected.

I am very envious of people who still go on "girls trips" with a group of women from college, or whatever. It's my biggest envy in life, probably. But it feels way too late in life for me to find a group of friends like that now. Maybe in the nursing home someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having friends is important for the social aspect. Since Covid, all my female friends moved away. I’m at a loss on how to make new friends.

Same. I’m not an extrovert and don’t crave constant interaction, but when things are hard, it is nice to know there are people out there that care about you. I don’t know how to find those people though. It was easier when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mostly have 1:1 friends too and I feel sad about it. I don't even have that many friends.

I am part of a loosely connected group of friends that all had babies around the same time in my neighborhood. I LOVED feeling a part of that group - there were always things to do, someone to call, and when we would hang out and chat you would get such diverse perspectives on things. Unfortunately as our kids get older, go to different schools, etc. we are all a little less connected.

I am very envious of people who still go on "girls trips" with a group of women from college, or whatever. It's my biggest envy in life, probably. But it feels way too late in life for me to find a group of friends like that now. Maybe in the nursing home someday.

I could have written this post word for word, except that I think I am a little more at peace with it than the PP. I guess for me, I am a bit of a homebody, DH is my best friend, and we love to travel as a family of four so that helps make up for it.