Is This a Phase or Is This Permanent?

[Anonymous]

It's normal if OP's kid is in college.

OP your kid is telling you they are more educated and or think they know more than you do. So when you spew they roll their eyes.

This is not abnormal but I would have a heart to heart with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our twenty-year-old daughter seems to want to avoid spending time with my husband and myself. When she does, she is sullen, gives curt responses to questions, rarely smiles, and rolls her eyes at just about everything. I had expected behavior like this when she was perhaps thirteen to eighteen years old, but she stayed very sweet during those years while her friends went through that phase. But now it has hit full force when I thought we had managed to escape the “sullen” teenager phase. Is this a delayed phase or is this more of a permanent personality change? I always look forward to seeing her on visits but am so sad afterwards. I am hoping that there is light at the end of this tunnel?

Everything is a phase so don't worry about permanence. However, may be there is something going on in her life or your expectations of her which is behind her behavior. Mind what you say around her.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds really hard and probably very disappointing. We can’t know what’s going on, obviously, and it may be normal for some, but not other, young adults.

Generally, when anyone acts rudely or is disrespectful, best thing to do is give them space and go do your own thing. It sucks to be disappointed when the expectation is that you would be spending quality time together. But set your own boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be treated in a way that makes you feel so awful. Whatever she’s going through, she will have to work it out.

You will just need to change your expectations of what your relationship will be for the moment with your daughter and keep your life full and busy.

It might also be worth asking if anything I. Her childhood could have prompted this (divorce, lots of pressure/expectations, etc). If not, see above.

[Anonymous]

Or Maybe it has nothing to do with you and she’s just upset about something that happened at school (a break up, a confusing realization about who she is or what she wants, a therapist that is asking her to examine her childhood, etc). If she doesn’t seem depressed, let her work through it

[Anonymous]

Is she off at college? It could just be the adjustment from total freedom to having people in the house asking where she is going, when she is returning, what she is doing. Or feeling a bit smothered if you are offering too much (are you hungry, do you want to do something...) She may just feel like she is being treated like a teen again. Maybe try backing off a little and see what happens. If she says she is going out, just say ok, see you later. Don't offer her food when she wakes up, comes home. That sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone, for the responses! I will try stepping back a bit, and I do hope that this is something that passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this, OP. I was a late bloomer and my mother mistook my teenage docility for a signed authorization to bully, dissect and micromanage my life. I held it together for high school and the start of college, then found a graduate program abroad. It's been 20 years of living abroad and I've only seen her on my terms since I left her house. It was a shock to her - I don't think she's the sort to fully grasp the consequences of her actions.

You showed her.

[Anonymous]

I went through a standoffish phase with my parents in my early 20s. Like a PP I was a late bloomer and that was the period I was fully separating myself from my parents household as an adult. I never hated them but I was definitely not sharing everything with them because that felt like I was failing at adulting. I got over myself after I’d been supporting myself for a few years and got very close to them again when I had kids. It’s not necessarily a judgement on you, OP, it might just be her working through things.

[Anonymous]

In my case it was permanent distancing starting around that age because it took being away from home for a few years for me to come to terms with the fact that my father had abused me when I was a child.

If there isn't abuse or family dysfunction, it might not be as permanent or complete. Maybe try asking (once, gently, privately) if there's anything you can do to help strengthen your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Were you close before? What kind of relationship? Did you communicate, talk about things? I think it's a delayed phase. Probably brought on by college and new peers, so your DC is processing new information about her relationship with both of you. As long as there is no other trauma or unaddressed dysfunction in the house (which only you can ascertain OP)