Is This a Phase or Is This Permanent?
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Anonymous
| Our twenty-year-old daughter seems to want to avoid spending time with my husband and myself. When she does, she is sullen, gives curt responses to questions, rarely smiles, and rolls her eyes at just about everything. I had expected behavior like this when she was perhaps thirteen to eighteen years old, but she stayed very sweet during those years while her friends went through that phase. But now it has hit full force when I thought we had managed to escape the “sullen” teenager phase. Is this a delayed phase or is this more of a permanent personality change? I always look forward to seeing her on visits but am so sad afterwards. I am hoping that there is light at the end of this tunnel? |
Anonymous
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Are you prying? Do you gossip around her (which means she knows she can’t trust you to keep HER confidence)? Do you have misguided expectations of her—like asking if she has a boyfriend instead of leaving the door open that she might have a girlfriend?
Generally speaking, back off. Be there but don’t be pushy or have an agenda. Let her come to you. Have you hidden or denied anything, like family abuse or alcoholism? At some point, the little pitchers with big ears grow up and see dysfunction. I’m not saying this is true for you, but as yourself—is there a family dynamic or secret that she may be wise to now? |
Anonymous
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I did this, OP. I was a late bloomer and my mother mistook my teenage docility for a signed authorization to bully, dissect and micromanage my life. I held it together for high school and the start of college, then found a graduate program abroad. It's been 20 years of living abroad and I've only seen her on my terms since I left her house. It was a shock to her - I don't think she's the sort to fully grasp the consequences of her actions.
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Anonymous
| OP here. No, we don’t have any family secrets that we are hiding from her. We may have asked her if she has a boyfriend, but she has always dated boys in the past so that seems to be her preference. |
Anonymous
| Confront her about it. Not meanly, but in a "hey, I've noticed you do this - what's driving it?" |
Anonymous
| It means you're pushy, annoying and needy. Do not confront, instead give her space. Do you keep pushing if she doesn't want to spend time with you? Do you "interrogate" her when she does spend time with you? When a person is avoiding spending time with someone, they don't find this time pleasant. We all do this. |
Anonymous
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I think 13:14 and 13:23 have good posts.
No one can say exactly what it is because we don't have the full picture. I will say, given the information that you provided and how you worded your post, I think therapy for yourself could help. |
Anonymous
| Wow. These are pretty mean responses. |
Anonymous
| totally typical and if people have kids who are engaged during their teen and late teen years and think their kids are wonderful, your kids is hiding a lot from you. |
Anonymous
Is this OP? Because the posts in this thread don't read as mean to me. OP asked for help, and posters have given her real possibilities. No one here can know the truth of the matter- but what could potentially be going on is that OP and her husband are anywhere from overbearing to emotionally abusive. OP wants help, so she can self reflect based on the responses she's been given. Maybe it has nothing to do with her parents and OP and her spouse just need to respect and support her through what she's going through. Or maybe it's related to how they behaved raising her. |
Anonymous
It’s mean to ask about dynamics that might be possible, in response to an OP who is directly asking for insight and help? |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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“ my husband and myself”
Is this her father or a stepfather? If it’s her father, why are you referring to him as your husband? |
Anonymous
| At 20, I think this is an odd behavior. Is she a college student and home for the summer? Does she like school, get decent grades and have friends, as well as a summer job? Did you pick her up at school and notice friends around? If this is new behavior, why wouldn’t you ask her what’s bringing on this change. |
Anonymous
And if it has to do with the “husband”. |