"Why can't you just break up with Daddy?"

[Anonymous]

My DH is scary, too, OP. The tantrums are terrifying. I am trying to be smart about next steps for me and my kids. I am rooting for you too!

[Anonymous]

What is his job, op? He talks about it at home so it can’t be too bad. Can’t you just listen? You listen to your son and are prepared to divorce your husband because your kid says to do it, yet you can’t or won’t let your husband vent? He can’t find home peaceful with an attitude like that.
If you don’t want to be the person he vents to (weird for a woman to say this which makes me wonder if this is a bad gender flip) are you good with paying for therapy, or having him talk with his favorite bartender or buying a musical instrument?
I also wonder if you may be provoking him, you want to make him a weekend dad only and you are using sweet soft language to make it sound acceptable. You clearly are already doing something on the weekends that don’t involve your son and husband, otherwise you’d realize the value in weekend and weekday parenting for both of you. The fact that you want to take that from your husband and then say he’ll do the thing you don’t like i.e. get angry if he “insists” on what he’s legally allowed to have really doesn’t sit well with me. It’s why I think you may be provoking him.
If you are worried about his stress (and I’m not sure you are) divorce is the last thing you want to do. He’ll need to move, as will you because you don’t want to own property with someone who is angry. He is liable to be attracted at least for a time to women who you don’t want around your son. There will be little you can do to prevent that and it will be more complicated then “Just don’t have the bimbo around the kid”.
Also, kids say all kinds of stuff. My kid had some friends whose parents are divorced and she asked us in all seriousness if we could get a divorce. We’d had an argument, and she thought “well, I’ll get 2 houses and individual fun with each parent”. I couldn’t fault her logic and observation, they made sense. They aren’t something I was going to entertain, talk about yes, for some people divorce is the answer, for us it isn’t.
Lastly, you seem a bit unrealistic to expect your kid to only have happy memories. I was your son’s age when the space shuttle Challenger blew up and I remember sitting with my dad while he cried. I also remember asking a lot of questions and he got mad at me, he didn’t have the answers, I was too young to know he didn’t have the answers, and he was too upset to explain why he didn’t have the answers. There were other times when my dad was less then pleasant, sometimes they happened during the week, sometimes they happened on the weekend, and I still think my dad is one of the best things going.
Let your husband vent or figure out what resources you all need. I could be wrong but I get the real sense you wouldn’t support music or marijuana which may really help your husband. Drums have an incredible healing power, though any instrument seems to open some neat pathways in the brain, and weed is a miracle drug when used appropriately. If your husband isn’t an addict, this could work real well for him.M any people say I’m nuts with that solution. Do some real thinking as to if you have reasonable expectations for your husband, your kid, your marriage, and if you do divorce, your husband is no longer your husband. He can date women you don’t want around your son. He can even have babies with them meaning your son will have a half-sibling. He can parent in ways you don’t like and he probably will. He won’t be there to do the boy jobs, at least he won’t be for you. You may need to move and your son may switch schools. If you have your eye on someone (and it sure sounds like you might) that person may not want to be with you, or you may not want to be with them once the mean old husband is out of the way.
Whatever you do, don’t take your kid’s opinion as serious. Address his observation with love “Daddy has some challenges he and us as a family need to get a better handle on” is all you had to say to your kid. Plan on lots of talks with your kid and plan on those talks changing over time. I’ve had some trauma and now my teen and I are at a point where she’ll openly tell me “Mom you’re getting stressed, go upstairs” which is her code for “go do some weed”. She’s generally right when she says it. I even remember her making a joke about where we could buy some if the dispensary was closed.
You loved your husband enough to marry him and have a baby, and your kid is still little. Find a way to live happily or be very clear on what divorce will do to you, your husband, and your kid. Your weekend only comment makes me think you are nowhere near thinking rationally or thoughtfully.

[Anonymous]

Love all the hate against husbands without proof. Sorry, but I don't believe even 80% of the man hating here. If a husband is that bad, then the wife is partially to blame for marrying and having a baby with him. And I'm certain in all these "situations" the wife is no saint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love all the hate against husbands without proof. Sorry, but I don't believe even 80% of the man hating here. If a husband is that bad, then the wife is partially to blame for marrying and having a baby with him. And I'm certain in all these "situations" the wife is no saint.

Confirmed. In my case, I am upset and cold because she cheated on me. I know from one for sure, and suspect from another. Yet, acts normal, like nothing happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid is asking you to break up. I was that kid. I needed my parents to be away from one another. I didn't need to be away from mom or dad, just the two not be in the same room or anywhere near one another.
Fighting for the me was not what I wanted. I felt like they both needed to chill out, grow up and I would be around for both of them.
My father did not act up around me, just when mom was around.
I left my partner when the abuse started. I didn't fight for the child as it would have made things worse. We share the kid. All is calm and quiet.
It is child abuse for the child to witness his tantrums.

Ditto.

I was also that kid and my parents divorcing was amongst the best things in my childhood. We were so happy and life was much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is asking you to break up. I was that kid. I needed my parents to be away from one another. I didn't need to be away from mom or dad, just the two not be in the same room or anywhere near one another.
Fighting for the me was not what I wanted. I felt like they both needed to chill out, grow up and I would be around for both of them.
My father did not act up around me, just when mom was around.
I left my partner when the abuse started. I didn't fight for the child as it would have made things worse. We share the kid. All is calm and quiet.
It is child abuse for the child to witness his tantrums.

Ditto.

I was also that kid and my parents divorcing was amongst the best things in my childhood. We were so happy and life was much better.

Same but that was in the days of primary parent, so I got to live with my mom, in my house, and visit dad on weekends. It was still a challenge, especially financially, but it was incredible having a peace in the house. I'm not sure I could have handled living with my abusive paranoid father half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What is his job, op? He talks about it at home so it can’t be too bad. Can’t you just listen? You listen to your son and are prepared to divorce your husband because your kid says to do it, yet you can’t or won’t let your husband vent? He can’t find home peaceful with an attitude like that.
If you don’t want to be the person he vents to (weird for a woman to say this which makes me wonder if this is a bad gender flip) are you good with paying for therapy, or having him talk with his favorite bartender or buying a musical instrument?
I also wonder if you may be provoking him, you want to make him a weekend dad only and you are using sweet soft language to make it sound acceptable. You clearly are already doing something on the weekends that don’t involve your son and husband, otherwise you’d realize the value in weekend and weekday parenting for both of you. The fact that you want to take that from your husband and then say he’ll do the thing you don’t like i.e. get angry if he “insists” on what he’s legally allowed to have really doesn’t sit well with me. It’s why I think you may be provoking him.
If you are worried about his stress (and I’m not sure you are) divorce is the last thing you want to do. He’ll need to move, as will you because you don’t want to own property with someone who is angry. He is liable to be attracted at least for a time to women who you don’t want around your son. There will be little you can do to prevent that and it will be more complicated then “Just don’t have the bimbo around the kid”.
Also, kids say all kinds of stuff. My kid had some friends whose parents are divorced and she asked us in all seriousness if we could get a divorce. We’d had an argument, and she thought “well, I’ll get 2 houses and individual fun with each parent”. I couldn’t fault her logic and observation, they made sense. They aren’t something I was going to entertain, talk about yes, for some people divorce is the answer, for us it isn’t.
Lastly, you seem a bit unrealistic to expect your kid to only have happy memories. I was your son’s age when the space shuttle Challenger blew up and I remember sitting with my dad while he cried. I also remember asking a lot of questions and he got mad at me, he didn’t have the answers, I was too young to know he didn’t have the answers, and he was too upset to explain why he didn’t have the answers. There were other times when my dad was less then pleasant, sometimes they happened during the week, sometimes they happened on the weekend, and I still think my dad is one of the best things going.
Let your husband vent or figure out what resources you all need. I could be wrong but I get the real sense you wouldn’t support music or marijuana which may really help your husband. Drums have an incredible healing power, though any instrument seems to open some neat pathways in the brain, and weed is a miracle drug when used appropriately. If your husband isn’t an addict, this could work real well for him.M any people say I’m nuts with that solution. Do some real thinking as to if you have reasonable expectations for your husband, your kid, your marriage, and if you do divorce, your husband is no longer your husband. He can date women you don’t want around your son. He can even have babies with them meaning your son will have a half-sibling. He can parent in ways you don’t like and he probably will. He won’t be there to do the boy jobs, at least he won’t be for you. You may need to move and your son may switch schools. If you have your eye on someone (and it sure sounds like you might) that person may not want to be with you, or you may not want to be with them once the mean old husband is out of the way.
Whatever you do, don’t take your kid’s opinion as serious. Address his observation with love “Daddy has some challenges he and us as a family need to get a better handle on” is all you had to say to your kid. Plan on lots of talks with your kid and plan on those talks changing over time. I’ve had some trauma and now my teen and I are at a point where she’ll openly tell me “Mom you’re getting stressed, go upstairs” which is her code for “go do some weed”. She’s generally right when she says it. I even remember her making a joke about where we could buy some if the dispensary was closed.
You loved your husband enough to marry him and have a baby, and your kid is still little. Find a way to live happily or be very clear on what divorce will do to you, your husband, and your kid. Your weekend only comment makes me think you are nowhere near thinking rationally or thoughtfully.

Wow. Just wow. HE has an anger issue and needs to deal with it. Don't blame his behavior on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What is his job, op? He talks about it at home so it can’t be too bad. Can’t you just listen? You listen to your son and are prepared to divorce your husband because your kid says to do it, yet you can’t or won’t let your husband vent? He can’t find home peaceful with an attitude like that.
If you don’t want to be the person he vents to (weird for a woman to say this which makes me wonder if this is a bad gender flip) are you good with paying for therapy, or having him talk with his favorite bartender or buying a musical instrument?
I also wonder if you may be provoking him, you want to make him a weekend dad only and you are using sweet soft language to make it sound acceptable. You clearly are already doing something on the weekends that don’t involve your son and husband, otherwise you’d realize the value in weekend and weekday parenting for both of you. The fact that you want to take that from your husband and then say he’ll do the thing you don’t like i.e. get angry if he “insists” on what he’s legally allowed to have really doesn’t sit well with me. It’s why I think you may be provoking him.
If you are worried about his stress (and I’m not sure you are) divorce is the last thing you want to do. He’ll need to move, as will you because you don’t want to own property with someone who is angry. He is liable to be attracted at least for a time to women who you don’t want around your son. There will be little you can do to prevent that and it will be more complicated then “Just don’t have the bimbo around the kid”.
Also, kids say all kinds of stuff. My kid had some friends whose parents are divorced and she asked us in all seriousness if we could get a divorce. We’d had an argument, and she thought “well, I’ll get 2 houses and individual fun with each parent”. I couldn’t fault her logic and observation, they made sense. They aren’t something I was going to entertain, talk about yes, for some people divorce is the answer, for us it isn’t.
Lastly, you seem a bit unrealistic to expect your kid to only have happy memories. I was your son’s age when the space shuttle Challenger blew up and I remember sitting with my dad while he cried. I also remember asking a lot of questions and he got mad at me, he didn’t have the answers, I was too young to know he didn’t have the answers, and he was too upset to explain why he didn’t have the answers. There were other times when my dad was less then pleasant, sometimes they happened during the week, sometimes they happened on the weekend, and I still think my dad is one of the best things going.
Let your husband vent or figure out what resources you all need. I could be wrong but I get the real sense you wouldn’t support music or marijuana which may really help your husband. Drums have an incredible healing power, though any instrument seems to open some neat pathways in the brain, and weed is a miracle drug when used appropriately. If your husband isn’t an addict, this could work real well for him.M any people say I’m nuts with that solution. Do some real thinking as to if you have reasonable expectations for your husband, your kid, your marriage, and if you do divorce, your husband is no longer your husband. He can date women you don’t want around your son. He can even have babies with them meaning your son will have a half-sibling. He can parent in ways you don’t like and he probably will. He won’t be there to do the boy jobs, at least he won’t be for you. You may need to move and your son may switch schools. If you have your eye on someone (and it sure sounds like you might) that person may not want to be with you, or you may not want to be with them once the mean old husband is out of the way.
Whatever you do, don’t take your kid’s opinion as serious. Address his observation with love “Daddy has some challenges he and us as a family need to get a better handle on” is all you had to say to your kid. Plan on lots of talks with your kid and plan on those talks changing over time. I’ve had some trauma and now my teen and I are at a point where she’ll openly tell me “Mom you’re getting stressed, go upstairs” which is her code for “go do some weed”. She’s generally right when she says it. I even remember her making a joke about where we could buy some if the dispensary was closed.
You loved your husband enough to marry him and have a baby, and your kid is still little. Find a way to live happily or be very clear on what divorce will do to you, your husband, and your kid. Your weekend only comment makes me think you are nowhere near thinking rationally or thoughtfully.

Wow. Just wow. HE has an anger issue and needs to deal with it. Don't blame his behavior on her.

+1

[Anonymous]

You’re divorcing because your man yells and gets upset?

Jeez Louis. It’s actually kinda good if Kids are somewhat afraid of their fathers .

[Anonymous]

As long as the temper isn’t toward you or the kids and he isn’t abusive to you or the kids , I am not sure why yelling in the house he pays for is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this mom is supposed to leave her young child defenseless with a rageaholic half the time? OP, do you think he will be able to handle the stress of solo parenting without lashing out? Are their other triggers in dad’s life such as addiction or financial issues?

Does the husband rage against the son? Or only against the wife? I'm not defending uncontrolled rage, but there may be something unique about the relationship between husband and wife that triggers the husband's rage. Kids usually benefit a lot from having loving fathers.

Often the anger is directed at or near me, but it doesn't have anything directly to do with me. It's just toxic venting. Sometimes he's actually mad at me. Either way I walk on eggshells. I don't want to keep him from his son, just don't want my baby marinating in this toxic soup of a marriage.

Have you raised him seeing a psychiatrist and going to anger management classes? It's worth a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: What is his job, op? He talks about it at home so it can’t be too bad. Can’t you just listen? You listen to your son and are prepared to divorce your husband because your kid says to do it, yet you can’t or won’t let your husband vent? He can’t find home peaceful with an attitude like that.
If you don’t want to be the person he vents to (weird for a woman to say this which makes me wonder if this is a bad gender flip) are you good with paying for therapy, or having him talk with his favorite bartender or buying a musical instrument?
I also wonder if you may be provoking him, you want to make him a weekend dad only and you are using sweet soft language to make it sound acceptable. You clearly are already doing something on the weekends that don’t involve your son and husband, otherwise you’d realize the value in weekend and weekday parenting for both of you. The fact that you want to take that from your husband and then say he’ll do the thing you don’t like i.e. get angry if he “insists” on what he’s legally allowed to have really doesn’t sit well with me. It’s why I think you may be provoking him.
If you are worried about his stress (and I’m not sure you are) divorce is the last thing you want to do. He’ll need to move, as will you because you don’t want to own property with someone who is angry. He is liable to be attracted at least for a time to women who you don’t want around your son. There will be little you can do to prevent that and it will be more complicated then “Just don’t have the bimbo around the kid”.
Also, kids say all kinds of stuff. My kid had some friends whose parents are divorced and she asked us in all seriousness if we could get a divorce. We’d had an argument, and she thought “well, I’ll get 2 houses and individual fun with each parent”. I couldn’t fault her logic and observation, they made sense. They aren’t something I was going to entertain, talk about yes, for some people divorce is the answer, for us it isn’t.
Lastly, you seem a bit unrealistic to expect your kid to only have happy memories. I was your son’s age when the space shuttle Challenger blew up and I remember sitting with my dad while he cried. I also remember asking a lot of questions and he got mad at me, he didn’t have the answers, I was too young to know he didn’t have the answers, and he was too upset to explain why he didn’t have the answers. There were other times when my dad was less then pleasant, sometimes they happened during the week, sometimes they happened on the weekend, and I still think my dad is one of the best things going.
Let your husband vent or figure out what resources you all need. I could be wrong but I get the real sense you wouldn’t support music or marijuana which may really help your husband. Drums have an incredible healing power, though any instrument seems to open some neat pathways in the brain, and weed is a miracle drug when used appropriately. If your husband isn’t an addict, this could work real well for him.M any people say I’m nuts with that solution. Do some real thinking as to if you have reasonable expectations for your husband, your kid, your marriage, and if you do divorce, your husband is no longer your husband. He can date women you don’t want around your son. He can even have babies with them meaning your son will have a half-sibling. He can parent in ways you don’t like and he probably will. He won’t be there to do the boy jobs, at least he won’t be for you. You may need to move and your son may switch schools. If you have your eye on someone (and it sure sounds like you might) that person may not want to be with you, or you may not want to be with them once the mean old husband is out of the way.
Whatever you do, don’t take your kid’s opinion as serious. Address his observation with love “Daddy has some challenges he and us as a family need to get a better handle on” is all you had to say to your kid. Plan on lots of talks with your kid and plan on those talks changing over time. I’ve had some trauma and now my teen and I are at a point where she’ll openly tell me “Mom you’re getting stressed, go upstairs” which is her code for “go do some weed”. She’s generally right when she says it. I even remember her making a joke about where we could buy some if the dispensary was closed.
You loved your husband enough to marry him and have a baby, and your kid is still little. Find a way to live happily or be very clear on what divorce will do to you, your husband, and your kid. Your weekend only comment makes me think you are nowhere near thinking rationally or thoughtfully.

Wow. Just wow. HE has an anger issue and needs to deal with it. Don't blame his behavior on her.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as the temper isn’t toward you or the kids and he isn’t abusive to you or the kids , I am not sure why yelling in the house he pays for is a problem.

NP: have you ever been around someone like this?! Mine, during one of this fits, took a canvas photo off the wall and busted it over his knee. Then threw the canvas pieces across the room into the corner. What provoked this? Frustration with something on his laptop (I don’t recall specifically what). And that is just a tiny sample. I could tell story after story. Serious rage fits over minor issues that we all got to witness regularly. No it wasn’t “directed toward me or the kids” but YES it was a problem.

[Anonymous]

He needs counseling and possibly meds, or you need to leave.

[Anonymous]

I’ll take things tha never happened for 500 Alex…