When one parent wants private and one wants public

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your kid want?

This seems like the most important question. You said that you didn't have a positive memory of the kids' experience in Catholic elementary school and that both kids switched over to public. Did they dislike the Catholic school or switch over for other reasons?

It seems like you have one kid already in the public high school. If so, you at least have a good read on the local public. Why is there so much question for the second child? Does the child want to go Catholic instead of public?

Just feel like there's a major piece of information missing in this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, step back. Do nothing. Say nothing more about it at all, to anyone. Does DH make it happen on his own? He would need to care enough to make it happen. He would need to care enough to do every detail. Do all the talking to the kids, any convincing. Deal with any push-back. Again, handle every detail. Don't make this a marital issue.
(my guess is ... it doesn't happen)

This is contradictory. It starts off with say and do nothing to anyone. Then it ends with handle every detail and do all the talking to kids.

DH is supposed to handle every detail while OP does nothing. If DH actually does that, then DH really, really wants this.

It also somewhat fits into the (often true) stereotype that the mother handles most logistics like applying to private school, which may or may not apply to OP's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, step back. Do nothing. Say nothing more about it at all, to anyone. Does DH make it happen on his own? He would need to care enough to make it happen. He would need to care enough to do every detail. Do all the talking to the kids, any convincing. Deal with any push-back. Again, handle every detail. Don't make this a marital issue.
(my guess is ... it doesn't happen)

This is great advice!

Agree. This may be one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever read on DCUM.
When I do this with my husband, I win 100% of the time.

NP. I am sorry but this feels incredibly manipulative to me. Just use your words and say that you are not going to do the work to apply. I cannot imagine being so passive-aggressive. You aren’t “winning,” you are being a jerk.

The other problem with this advice is that if OP silently steps back to let it fail without actually saying she is going to do that is that she has a kid who is a teen who is going to watch and learn from that passive-aggressive behavior in a situation that is extremely high-stakes for the child. This is an awful lesson to teach and could cause lasting damage to OPs relationship with her kid.

Be an adult. Use your words and deal with the consequences. This sad sneaky passive-aggressive approach is genuinely pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is for high school. The private would be a Catholic private. We already had kids in a Catholic elementary school for several years and for me it's not a fond memory in general. One kid switched to public early on and the other switched for middle school and is now at our local public high school and doing well. I was not impressed with the academics at the catholic elementary and didn't like the small size, wide variance in teacher quality, lack of extracurriculars, lack of diversity and in one case actual racism, and the cliques (students and parents).

Spouse went to Catholic school all the way through and has good memories of their high school, which was an independent Catholic in the area with a good reputation. We both think the other is projecting our prior experience onto this decision - and that's probably right. But in my defense, mine is based on the recent actual experience of my children and not on high school memories.

Bottom line, I want what would be best for my child. Child is finishing 7th now so this process and decision would be made over the next year. Child is bright, in honors classes now. Child is also expressing more interest in faith as they are going through the Confirmation process. So that's a point in favor of Catholic education.

I have to say I have so much anxiety thinking about this. I always felt like we were fish out of water at the previous Catholic school, and my spouse never clicked with any of the parents and in fact expresses dislike of them in general. Spouse seems to think that the high school will be different. I don't.

If you were so far apart on something like this, how did you work through it? And if anyone has input and insight on the Diocesan high schools in the area I'd like to hear it.

Why does your DH want Catholic high school for this one kid but not the others? What does the kid want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, step back. Do nothing. Say nothing more about it at all, to anyone. Does DH make it happen on his own? He would need to care enough to make it happen. He would need to care enough to do every detail. Do all the talking to the kids, any convincing. Deal with any push-back. Again, handle every detail. Don't make this a marital issue.
(my guess is ... it doesn't happen)

This is great advice!

Agree. This may be one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever read on DCUM.
When I do this with my husband, I win 100% of the time.

NP. I am sorry but this feels incredibly manipulative to me. Just use your words and say that you are not going to do the work to apply. I cannot imagine being so passive-aggressive. You aren’t “winning,” you are being a jerk.

The other problem with this advice is that if OP silently steps back to let it fail without actually saying she is going to do that is that she has a kid who is a teen who is going to watch and learn from that passive-aggressive behavior in a situation that is extremely high-stakes for the child. This is an awful lesson to teach and could cause lasting damage to OPs relationship with her kid.

Be an adult. Use your words and deal with the consequences. This sad sneaky passive-aggressive approach is genuinely pathetic.

Disagree. By now OP has already made her position clear and they both know they have different stances. So there's nothing sneaky about this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, step back. Do nothing. Say nothing more about it at all, to anyone. Does DH make it happen on his own? He would need to care enough to make it happen. He would need to care enough to do every detail. Do all the talking to the kids, any convincing. Deal with any push-back. Again, handle every detail. Don't make this a marital issue.
(my guess is ... it doesn't happen)

This is great advice!

Agree. This may be one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever read on DCUM.
When I do this with my husband, I win 100% of the time.

NP. I am sorry but this feels incredibly manipulative to me. Just use your words and say that you are not going to do the work to apply. I cannot imagine being so passive-aggressive. You aren’t “winning,” you are being a jerk.

The other problem with this advice is that if OP silently steps back to let it fail without actually saying she is going to do that is that she has a kid who is a teen who is going to watch and learn from that passive-aggressive behavior in a situation that is extremely high-stakes for the child. This is an awful lesson to teach and could cause lasting damage to OPs relationship with her kid.

Be an adult. Use your words and deal with the consequences. This sad sneaky passive-aggressive approach is genuinely pathetic.

Disagree. By now OP has already made her position clear and they both know they have different stances. So there's nothing sneaky about this approach.

To alleviate PP's concerns, OP could also say, "If you want this so much, you are welcome to go through the application process, but it's entirely on you." Then it's really not sneaky.

[Anonymous]

What schools? Some have over 1,000 kids. That would be very different from the small school experience you are describing.

[Anonymous]

will your kid in public hs be jealous that their younger sibling is getting a private school education?

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you for the many thoughtful and thought provoking responses. To answer some questions:

-The advice to "do nothing" and not make this a marital issue is spot on and kind of where I am. And that's more or less the last conversation I had with my husband about it (yes, you guessed the genders correctly).

-The problem with this approach is that it's not that simple - for a couple reasons:

1. My kid is interested in Catholic school. However, this is an interest that was spurred by my husband driving through the campus of one of the DMV Catholic schools, pointing out that a family friend's kid went there and then introducing the idea of our child going there. I was not in the car during that discussion. And it wasn't something that we had discussed before he voiced this spontaneous idea. So do they really want to go to Catholic school for faith reasons? Maybe. Child is 13 and we are a Catholic family. Perhaps not the most observant but both my kids have gone to CCF, communion, older one is already confirmed, etc. So that's not a hangup.

2. If I do nothing and nothing progresses but at the end of next year my child starts asking about their Catholic high school I can hardly say, "Oh, your dad dropped the ball. Enjoy public!" But I will be honest in saying I am kind of furious about being put in this position (not the first time) where I get to handle all the logistics and admin for something I am not convinced is a good fit for my child or for our family.

Maybe I will research the admissions process and just let this lie for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:will your kid in public hs be jealous that their younger sibling is getting a private school education?

OP here - nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to be sexist here but which school are we talking about and are these kids boys or girls? If boys and it’s Gonzaga or Prep yes. Otherwise no. Girls don’t typically get into the same types of trouble in high schools that boys get into -gangs, selling drugs, etc

Based on your analysis, you also have to consider that there is always more chance they are raped in the bathroom, decide to become trans or non-binary, or get shot in a school shooting.

[Anonymous]

I was in this position many years ago. DH insisted my oldest explore Catholic high schools. I was ambivalent about it and actually concerned about the expense and whether it was worth it.

Boy was I wrong. Best every decision our family ever made. Son attended Gonzaga College High School and had the most unique and fulfilled experience that could never be replicated anywhere else, never mind a public school. He has since attended college (a top 20) and graduated. He has his groups of friends from public middle school, private high school, and now college. His high school friends are my favorites...a really high quality group of young men.

And now our younger daughter is finishing at an all girls high school...also having a really great experience. Public high schools have much larger class sizes and less consistent teaching/outcomes. She has had exposure to great leadership experiences involving service opportunities and campus ministry. Her class sizes are always under 20 students and sometimes as small as 12 students. Teachers are amazing and very little turnover. All in all the best investment we have made in our kids.

Public schools are struggling with teacher turnover and chronic absenteeism. The bar has been set low since the learning loss experienced during the pandemic and they will likely never recover. Private schools handled the pandemic much better and you just don't see the same problems as in public schools.