Funeral for the parent of a friend-how do you decide whether to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five hour drive and overnight is beyond what is reasonably expected for a non family member. You would be going above and beyond, which is very kind, but you did say you don't think she'd do the same, so she should understand. IMO you can skip this without guilt.

Eh, I don't put a lot of weight on the "non family member" thing - I have a lot of friends I'm much closer with than family members. It's more "what kind of person do you want to be?" in this situation. The person who is too lazy/cheap to support someone or the person who shows up when friends are going through a very hard time.

[Anonymous]

Where is your friend? Local to you, or local to the funeral?

How many friends are closer to your friend emotionally (family, other friends) and geographically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

This is the one true rule.

I had a similar situation for my friend in NJ and went. She was truly touched that so many people took work off to attend. Her father’s death was unexpected and they are Jewish so a really quick notice on services.

[Anonymous]

My friend's brother died.

I watched the livestream and talked to my friend during the days between the death and the funeral. My friend had enough people there for support.

The mourner shouldn't be alone, but doesn't need all their people at the funeral.

Mourners appreciate seeing the people their departed's loved ones. That's the focus of the gathering.They don't need their own friends for the funeral.

Ask you friend, "do you want me to come? I can make it." Your friend will say, "I'd love to have you there" or "it's far. I'm OK."

Time you spend traveling to the funeral is time you aren't spending helping your friend get through all the other days.

[Anonymous]

If you can't go to the funeral, can you visit her in a few weeks to offer support? Many times people need additional logistical or emotional support in the weeks/months after the funeral.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t go:
Send a handwritten card with detailed specific memories of her mom.

Set a date in a few weeks to take her out to lunch or dinner or whatever since you weren’t able to make it.

[Anonymous]

I debated this a couple of times, only the travel was father and I would have had to fly. I didn’t go… but in the case you share, if I could drive, I would probably go.

But here’s the deal: don’t beat yourself over not going, if that’s what it ends up to be.
I disagree with any poster that suggests your friend will be hurt by your absence.
Your friend has lots of responsibilities, is grieving and will have lots of tasks for the funeral. This includes greeting and visiting with lots of people who your friend will not see any other time. Your friend will be exhausted and sometimes it’s nice to not have to exert energy to also entertaining friends (even well intentioned ones).

Afterward, when life is returning to normal, this is when you can be present and a good friend with phone calls, visits, sending mail, etc.

Signed,
Someone who has buried both parents and remembers all the work that funerals bring.

[Anonymous]

I only travel for funerals where it’s a no brainer that I need to be there. In your case, if the funeral were in town I would go. I would not travel for this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

I generally agree with this. I was not able to go to a dear friend's mother's funeral. My friend totally understood, but I still feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I can offer is that my DH and I have a rule of thumb: when in doubt, it’s always the right decision to go to a funeral.

This. And if your other friend goes you can split expenses.

If you truly can't make it work, send flowers.

I’ve had a parent and MIL both pass suddenly and it meant a great deal who came

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Five hour drive and overnight is beyond what is reasonably expected for a non family member. You would be going above and beyond, which is very kind, but you did say you don't think she'd do the same, so she should understand. IMO you can skip this without guilt.

Eh, I don't put a lot of weight on the "non family member" thing - I have a lot of friends I'm much closer with than family members. It's more "what kind of person do you want to be?" in this situation. The person who is too lazy/cheap to support someone or the person who shows up when friends are going through a very hard time.

I would add here that what I’d do now after experiencing this kind of loss and grief is something I’d do differently than before

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I debated this a couple of times, only the travel was father and I would have had to fly. I didn’t go… but in the case you share, if I could drive, I would probably go.

But here’s the deal: don’t beat yourself over not going, if that’s what it ends up to be.
I disagree with any poster that suggests your friend will be hurt by your absence.
Your friend has lots of responsibilities, is grieving and will have lots of tasks for the funeral. This includes greeting and visiting with lots of people who your friend will not see any other time. Your friend will be exhausted and sometimes it’s nice to not have to exert energy to also entertaining friends (even well intentioned ones).

Afterward, when life is returning to normal, this is when you can be present and a good friend with phone calls, visits, sending mail, etc.

Signed,
Someone who has buried both parents and remembers all the work that funerals bring.

"farther" or "further" not "father" as that is "dad"

[Anonymous]

Just go. She’ll always remember you showed up for her.

[Anonymous]

I would send a nice sympathy card and make sure to check in with your friend locally often. She may need local help with things like child care arrangements if she has anything to take care of with the estate, for example.