Our son just told us he's trans
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Anonymous
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You don’t have to research it like a diagnosis
Ask him if he is comfortable answering your questions then ask a few. Learn about your son and his recent journey! |
Anonymous
| Support, support, support! |
Anonymous
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Definitely get a therapist who specializes in adolescent gender identity-- they can help both your child and you navigate this. There are multiple elements to transition-- social, aesthetic, medical, legal and not all trans people follow the same path or want the same things. Having a specialist to talk to can help you and your teen figure out what they need to feel like their best self.
As someone else mentioned, PFLAG is a good resource, as is SMYAL, a youth group, and the Youth Pride Clinic at Children's National. |
Anonymous
| Start by asking what name and pronouns are preferred, and respect those and use them. Look into PFLAG and other resources. Good luck, just lead with respect and love. Stay curious, be supportive, just show love and acceptance. It will all be OK. |
Anonymous
| 17 is old enough that they probably have felt a disconnect with their gender identity for a while (potentially years) and just decided to tell you now. I would be supportive and try to learn more about what next steps they want to take if any. Also ask if they are interested in meeting with a therapist to discuss this and help determine what is next. If they want to go the route of hormones and gender reassignment procedures make sure they are given education and well-informed about potential medical risks associated with the treatment plans. Eg. (risk of bone density loss from hormone therapy, frequency of complications from surgery, etc.) They are very close to being 18 anyway and they will likely try to obtain these treatments on their own if you refuse (in less than a year). So just be accepting and ensure sufficient access to medical professionals, so you can help them evaluate what they believe is best for their health and well-being. In conclusion, be a supportive parent and respect their gender identity. Many kids find it difficult for them to come out to their parents and they need someone to provide support during this time which is challenging for many trans kids. |
Anonymous
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“I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing that with me.
Let me know what I can do to support you. Names, pronouns, dr or therapy visit… I love you, whatever gender you are” |
Anonymous
Another very important thing I would recommend discussing with them before they start any surgery or hormones is fertility preservation options. If you can afford it to pay for it and they are willing to do it. It would be beneficial to go to a fertility clinic and freeze sperm to protect their ability to start a family in the future. Ideally you would want 2 or 3 visits to the clinic to ensure there are plenty of samples for potential IVF cycles in the future. He’s only 17 and most people don’t know for sure if they want kids or how many they want at this point in their life. Hormones therapy can permanently impact fertility for some so it’s smart to bring it up. |
Anonymous
Many trans people don't want to have children though some do. For trans women that end up with cisgender men or other trans women as their partners, they rarely end up having biological children of their own. For trans women who's partner is a cisgender woman or a transgender man, it is more common. At 17 there is no way she can be certain that she won't want biological children in the future so I agree that freezing sperm is a good idea assuming the parents have the money to pay for it. The good news is that OP will be able to have a relationship with her daughter since she seems like she's trying to be accepting. Being kicked out of the house at 18 because you're transgender is an incredibly common experience. Someone living in their car isn't going to be prioritizing the possibility of having children in the future. Even if they did have them in the future, the grandparents would never see or know about their grandchildren. |
Anonymous
I’m so sorry. Can’t fathom what you’re going through |
Anonymous
This seems reasonable. Don't overreact. The genderfluid teenagers around us fluidly shift around over 1-2 years. They redefine things as they see fit. So, just say the above and let them go on with their life, knowing that they are loved and can get your help as needed. |
Anonymous
This. Let it be an organic process. Find out what they need in this moment. |
Anonymous
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Have you suspected that he didn’t feel comfortable as male, or were you blindsided?
I suggest you let him know he is loved regardless of identity or preferences, and keep things as normal as possible. Continue to use his birth name and pronouns unless he tells you otherwise. Despite what is in the media nowadays, trans people are extremely rare. Many young people are struggling with their sexual identity and orientation but time will tell if it’s a phase or real. Does he have male roll models in his life who can show him that maleness comes in all forms, not just the macho stereotypes? It’s one thing to be homosexual but quite another level to be trans. |
Anonymous
| One thing to mentally prepare for (but not necessary raise with them yet) is that they may want to take a gap year before college. Probably neither they nor you want them to be just starting the transition process during their first year of college. |
Anonymous
+1. Not everybody wants surgery or hormones or even a name change. Sometimes people use one label at first but then find a different one that fits better. Give them space to think about it. I know two people who have come out as trans; one uses a new name and pronouns, and the other sort of walked it back to non-binary and now uses they/them pronouns. I think it's fine to ask what your kid means and what support they would like from you right now. |
Anonymous
Just accept your child and their journey. Good luck. Many good resources here. |