Anyone else struggle with the veneer of professionalism?

[Anonymous]

No idea what is meant by authentic self. I suspect it's a red herring people use to deny what the real problem is.

You're just tired. The issue isn't the workplace but you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Few people are "their authentic selves" anywhere, whether in professional or social contexts. They adapt to their surroundings, to fit in and to be compatible. They often behave differently when alone. The extent of such adaptation depends on just how far out of the norm you are. If you're too different, more effort is needed to act compatibly, and if that effort is too extreme to tolerate you're in the wrong environment.

Recognize that adaptation to one's surroundings is an essential skill for professional success, and without it you're likely to stall out. If you can no longer adapt to your particular environment, it's time to change your job, accepting the financial and professional consequences that change implies (which may be for better or for worse).

op - see i find the first part of your assertion odd. I have worked in many environments where I did not have to put on a veneer, they just weren't 'corporate' in this way. And I am mostly my authentic self in my social life. I have managed to climb the ladder despite this. But your second point is correct; it is what it is and if the tension between the culture and my personality is such that the effort is too great, I have no choice but to find a plan b

I mean, it really comes down to your core values. What's more important to you -- being yourself or climbing some ladder of accomplishment you don't really even value or respect?

[Anonymous]

You need a work bestie.

I too can't stand the veneer. It was something that was really hard about becoming a manager because immediately a wall went up between me and my employees. I couldn't say what I really felt and couldn't whine about my management staff to them. Sometimes I wonder if my coworkers would like the real me. Real me is much more fun and laid back. I try really hard to gray rock a lot of difficult people that I work with- smile and nod.

Work bestie solves most of these issues. We can whine together about senior management, they're a manager too so I can talk to them about problem employees and they understand what I'm going through. They're hard to find though. My long term friend left 2 years ago and I still miss her. She was SO SO different in our conversations than she was with everyone else. Her work persona was completely opposite of who she actually was. I have a few other people I trust now. Say something to the wrong person though and they will tattle on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea what is meant by authentic self. I suspect it's a red herring people use to deny what the real problem is.

You're just tired. The issue isn't the workplace but you.

A lot of us have authentic selves that don't jive with corporate workplaces. Your authentic self is who you are with your spouse or best friend. I'm witty and snarky. I tell funny stories. I can't stand slackers, but at work I have to patiently guide the slackers along and counsel them to improve. I'd probably rather yell, but I would never at work.

I think a lot of POC have different selves too. One of my coworkers has an accent and dresses completely different than she does at work. Even styles her hair differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea what is meant by authentic self. I suspect it's a red herring people use to deny what the real problem is.

You're just tired. The issue isn't the workplace but you.

A lot of us have authentic selves that don't jive with corporate workplaces. Your authentic self is who you are with your spouse or best friend. I'm witty and snarky. I tell funny stories. I can't stand slackers, but at work I have to patiently guide the slackers along and counsel them to improve. I'd probably rather yell, but I would never at work.

I think a lot of POC have different selves too. One of my coworkers has an accent and dresses completely different than she does at work. Even styles her hair differently.

Agree. I don’t think we are meant to be our “authentic selves” at work. We are there to do a job, and that’s really it. I’m ok with that, but if you struggle with this aspect then definitely look outside of corporate America. Or just change jobs! Maybe the culture of your company stinks.

[Anonymous]

Somedays. Ive been in the management job for 6 years and have no work friends at my site since I'm their boss. But i have found other people at the company to connect with and thats fun. Most days i have the energy to play the role and enjoy it and and pay that comes with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely relate to this. 20 years in corporate America climbing that ladder. Just took a voluntary buyout. Not sure what’s next but I have time to figure it out.

Zoom is a big part of it. It’s awful for so many reasons.

For me a big part of it was not being able to say what I wanted to say or what the obvious elephant in the room was. I know how to behave in a corporate setting (see: moving up that ladder!) but the disconnect between the reality and the narrow window of how we were expected to act or what our role was (I also used to think of the play analogy all the time) was really getting to me. I felt it in my throat sometimes - like all the words and feelings just sitting there stuck and unable to get out. I am not sure if it’s inevitable or if I wasn’t cut out for senior level roles. I am capable of doing the work and playing there politics but behaving in the environment was affecting me more than I wanted it to.

Not sure the solution but I know exactly what you mean. I think if you are smart and you see this clearly, it’s hard to unsee.

All of this. I kept quiet as I worked my way up the ladder because I know that people who speak up get blackballed. Now that I'm near the top- I've raised hell. I have brought up new policies and tried very very hard to make changes. I speak up, especially when I know my coworkers (who allllllll feel the same way as me) can't yet speak up because their jobs aren't as secure. My job is very secure. I'm a hard worker and I've made myself indispensable.

But it hasn't done a damn thing. I have talked about the elephant in the room, told them solutions, pointed out the problems and the others refuse to change. I really feel for the people under me though and will keep speaking up.

[Anonymous]

Op - I am glad others also feel this way. The poster who said it felt like something was stuck in their throat really resonated. I have been senior in roles before where I was able to be more candid and more real and we moved way faster! I think a lot of all the faux professionalism slows us way down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely relate to this. 20 years in corporate America climbing that ladder. Just took a voluntary buyout. Not sure what’s next but I have time to figure it out.

Zoom is a big part of it. It’s awful for so many reasons.

For me a big part of it was not being able to say what I wanted to say or what the obvious elephant in the room was. I know how to behave in a corporate setting (see: moving up that ladder!) but the disconnect between the reality and the narrow window of how we were expected to act or what our role was (I also used to think of the play analogy all the time) was really getting to me. I felt it in my throat sometimes - like all the words and feelings just sitting there stuck and unable to get out. I am not sure if it’s inevitable or if I wasn’t cut out for senior level roles. I am capable of doing the work and playing there politics but behaving in the environment was affecting me more than I wanted it to.

Not sure the solution but I know exactly what you mean. I think if you are smart and you see this clearly, it’s hard to unsee.

I feel your pain, it must be absolute torture to sit at a desk all day in an air-conditioned office or home, looking at the monitor and acting politely with people on the screen the screen while making nearly $1 million. True hardship.

[Anonymous]

I would love to know what PPs feel they can't be candid about.
My experience is that when people say they can't be as candid as they'd like, the things they wish they could say are pretty inappropriate. If being your authentic self means being rude, ageist, dismissive of others, etc., or talking national politics at work, please continue to keep the quiet parts quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been quite senior at a fairly corporate firm for several years now and the effort of maintaining a corporate persona is really starting to eat away at my mental health. I find myself dreading 70% of my meetings because I have to present in a way that feels fundamentally so inauthentic - and truly uninspiring. I have tried being myself and while I haven’t been actively fired, I’m certainly not moving up and perhaps not even cutting it at my level. At this point I have gone from feeling confident and like I had skills to bring to the table to feeling like an absolute failure. I have tried but not succeeded to find an alt opp at my same salary level and am now considering moving to a lower COL area and quitting bc my burnout is so severe. I used to think it was so odd when my friends wanted to quit working as I loved my jobs but now all I can think about is not looking down the barrel every day of 7+ hours of corporate zoom and just like - sitting on a step in a ray of sun. I can’t remember what I was ever good at and wonder if I actually was good at anything or if it was just an extravagant misunderstanding. I know I should be grateful for the comp and I feel awful but the dread and anxiety of trying to thrive in this workplace are kind of killing me. Anyone else?

How long have you been with your company? You may just need a change of scenery, new people, new place. I just met with a VP of Manufacturing who wears stacks of beaded crystals on his wrist. Very Daisy Jones and the Six kind of guy. He is definitely himself. And he is also very effective and respected. You've lost your mojo OP, go find it again, at least try, before you just throw in the towel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been quite senior at a fairly corporate firm for several years now and the effort of maintaining a corporate persona is really starting to eat away at my mental health. I find myself dreading 70% of my meetings because I have to present in a way that feels fundamentally so inauthentic - and truly uninspiring. I have tried being myself and while I haven’t been actively fired, I’m certainly not moving up and perhaps not even cutting it at my level. At this point I have gone from feeling confident and like I had skills to bring to the table to feeling like an absolute failure. I have tried but not succeeded to find an alt opp at my same salary level and am now considering moving to a lower COL area and quitting bc my burnout is so severe. I used to think it was so odd when my friends wanted to quit working as I loved my jobs but now all I can think about is not looking down the barrel every day of 7+ hours of corporate zoom and just like - sitting on a step in a ray of sun. I can’t remember what I was ever good at and wonder if I actually was good at anything or if it was just an extravagant misunderstanding. I know I should be grateful for the comp and I feel awful but the dread and anxiety of trying to thrive in this workplace are kind of killing me. Anyone else?

I don’t understand. Lots of work places are “professional” and respectful and places to be. Sure at meetings you shouldn’t crack too many jokes or burp or talk about your personal life but on side convos or lunch you could.

In the problem the dress code?

The eloquent speaking at meetings?

The seniority of your job so people expect more from you?

The culture of your employer is stuffy and private?

Is anyone else there your age or level? Or are you barbelled by older people a college kids and younger people not married?

I don’t get it. But I’d hesitate to call this not liking professional work environments.

[Anonymous]

You sound bored and unchallenged.

Start networking and looking for another employer. Give yourself a year and prioritize that.

What are all these zooms about? Are you presenting your teams work or just sitting there listening to huge conference call zoom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea what is meant by authentic self. I suspect it's a red herring people use to deny what the real problem is.

You're just tired. The issue isn't the workplace but you.

A lot of us have authentic selves that don't jive with corporate workplaces. Your authentic self is who you are with your spouse or best friend. I'm witty and snarky. I tell funny stories. I can't stand slackers, but at work I have to patiently guide the slackers along and counsel them to improve. I'd probably rather yell, but I would never at work.

I think a lot of POC have different selves too. One of my coworkers has an accent and dresses completely different than she does at work. Even styles her hair differently.

Yeah, can’t belch, curse and talk loud sports 24/7 or about your online dating successes at work. Get over it.

Also can’t have mental breakdowns, lose your notebook daily, sit yoga style at meetings, having crying fits, demand special smelly lunches or bring a dog or big stuffy in to the office for mental help. Get over it.

Baseline is be professional at work. Or quit and go work at a not professional place, smaller group, no clients, no managing people, kumbaya.

[Anonymous]

I relate completely, OP!!

To help people understand-for me the problem is having to actively participate in validating an alternate reality that I know is false, but I cannot say it’s false and keep my job. Like having to pretend to believe things that any idiot could know are false. It rots my soul and makes me feel like a bad person.