Just let me sleep....

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife would do that. Start arguments at 11:30 at night when I had to get up at 5:30am. Or she would wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me. I got a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Do you have family nearby, or a very trusted friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. No cheating. I do avoid the conversations with him because it escalates to verbal abuse and threats of violence. we just need to separate but we can't even come to agreements on how that will work.

Are you in counseling? This is a situation for professionals to deal with, not online discussion. Why do you need an “agreement” with someone who is threatening you? Just leave.

We have kids. Do I leave them in the house? Do I take them with me?

see an attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. No cheating. I do avoid the conversations with him because it escalates to verbal abuse and threats of violence. we just need to separate but we can't even come to agreements on how that will work.

Are you in counseling? This is a situation for professionals to deal with, not online discussion. Why do you need an “agreement” with someone who is threatening you? Just leave.

We have kids. Do I leave them in the house? Do I take them with me?

see an attorney

Please make an appointment to speak with a lawyer ASAP, OP. It sounds like he’s trying to wear you down to get you to commit to doing things “his way” but none of those discussions will matter in the end. Call now. And if you don’t know where to start, tell us which state, we can offer suggestions. Threats of violence are never okay, no matter the reasons given.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the DMV area.

[Anonymous]

Well, op, not nice to just avoid conversations, at some point the two of you do have to talk. If he’s threatening violence, and it’s not clear if it’s a real credible threat or not, or it only becomes real and credible when he says something you don’t want to hear.
You felt safe enough to both post online and threaten to get the police involved.. sounds like you may be weaponizing language and resources.
It also sounds like the kids are fine, text husband with where you are if you leave and say you’ll come back and when, or whatever else you will do, meet with a lawyer, see him for breakfast, whatever. That way he knows where you are and how to get in touch with you.
As my husband and I have discovered, our kids need us and they need both of us. Not fair or good parenting to get mad, run off, and make the other parent handle everything as one of you had better be with the kids. Not nice to always be the one to call first on getting out of the house or have your parked such that you can get out but he may have to move your car if he wants to get out. There are lots of ways to set things up so the words are right and the behavior sounds acceptable and appropriate and it isn’t. Give that some thought.
As for the arguments, I loose it on my husband when I don’t feel heard. I wanted a couch for a room in our house because we need more seating in that room. We didn’t before, now we do. My husband wouldn’t budge. I’ve wanted other things too, and I felt those were being minimized too. They weren’t, the couch may have been but the drums weren’t, I simply felt that they were. I was also tired of my teen being a little s*** and my husband’s only response was to tell me “to be the adult”. I know who I am and my role, I needed my husband to tell my kid to stop saying “mother” like she wanted to say another word after it, and his only response was “be the adult”. Drove me batty.
All that came to a head and we got into it.
You guys need to actually talk and you do need to participate. You need to ignore the verbal abuse, again if it was that bad you wouldn’t be posting while also threatening to call the nonemergency number. Neither of you play nice and you both need to address it or at least be aware of it.
And for those who are wondering, we don’t run our house where one of us just orders something. That was something we discussed once we calmed down, if you don’t think we need a couch, then it shouldn’t matter to you if I buy one. If you want input, then you must care about the couch and price is a form of wanting input, so I need you to just acknowledge that yes, we may just indeed need a couch in a place and in a room where we didn’t before.
Whatever you guys are doing is unsustainable. At one point you loved each other and couldn’t wait to talk to each other. Figure out how to get that back. Go on dates, hold hands, hug, do some form of prayer together or not, but do something to connect you guys with something bigger then you two.
And, I’m waiting on the drum. I want it, it will have to wait and I’m fine with that. We need a couch for the family to sit on, I’m the only one who cares about the drum. So, I can compromise.
We could have easily done something different, split up, me change what I wanted, separate finances, lots of solutions to a problem. You guys can do the same.
Figure out what makes each of you loose it and things will settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse won't let me sleep. It's been almost 3 hours. Demands we work through issues right now. We have so many issues and its been years of turmoil. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to sleep. I threatened to call nonemergency police because I feel desperate. Is this abuse? Could they help me? Spouse says they will document that I called for no reason. Is this true?

This sounds like abuse from both sides (refusing to talk to your partner/stonewalling is also abusive behavior). Don't threaten, do. "I'm setting a timer for 5 minutes, and then I'm going to sleep alone in the guest room. If you interrupt me or keep me from sleeping, I will call the nonemergency line" and then actually do it.

But if you're to this point, I agree with a pp: conversation ended a long time ago. You need to see a counselor to work on setting better boundaries (boundaries are for you/what you will do, not to control others) and contact an attorney to discuss your options for leaving.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need couples counseling, you need an individual therapist and a family law attorney who can help you navigate separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Well, op, not nice to just avoid conversations, at some point the two of you do have to talk. If he’s threatening violence, and it’s not clear if it’s a real credible threat or not, or it only becomes real and credible when he says something you don’t want to hear.
You felt safe enough to both post online and threaten to get the police involved.. sounds like you may be weaponizing language and resources.
It also sounds like the kids are fine, text husband with where you are if you leave and say you’ll come back and when, or whatever else you will do, meet with a lawyer, see him for breakfast, whatever. That way he knows where you are and how to get in touch with you.
As my husband and I have discovered, our kids need us and they need both of us. Not fair or good parenting to get mad, run off, and make the other parent handle everything as one of you had better be with the kids. Not nice to always be the one to call first on getting out of the house or have your parked such that you can get out but he may have to move your car if he wants to get out. There are lots of ways to set things up so the words are right and the behavior sounds acceptable and appropriate and it isn’t. Give that some thought.
As for the arguments, I loose it on my husband when I don’t feel heard. I wanted a couch for a room in our house because we need more seating in that room. We didn’t before, now we do. My husband wouldn’t budge. I’ve wanted other things too, and I felt those were being minimized too. They weren’t, the couch may have been but the drums weren’t, I simply felt that they were. I was also tired of my teen being a little s*** and my husband’s only response was to tell me “to be the adult”. I know who I am and my role, I needed my husband to tell my kid to stop saying “mother” like she wanted to say another word after it, and his only response was “be the adult”. Drove me batty.
All that came to a head and we got into it.
You guys need to actually talk and you do need to participate. You need to ignore the verbal abuse, again if it was that bad you wouldn’t be posting while also threatening to call the nonemergency number. Neither of you play nice and you both need to address it or at least be aware of it.
And for those who are wondering, we don’t run our house where one of us just orders something. That was something we discussed once we calmed down, if you don’t think we need a couch, then it shouldn’t matter to you if I buy one. If you want input, then you must care about the couch and price is a form of wanting input, so I need you to just acknowledge that yes, we may just indeed need a couch in a place and in a room where we didn’t before.
Whatever you guys are doing is unsustainable. At one point you loved each other and couldn’t wait to talk to each other. Figure out how to get that back. Go on dates, hold hands, hug, do some form of prayer together or not, but do something to connect you guys with something bigger then you two.
And, I’m waiting on the drum. I want it, it will have to wait and I’m fine with that. We need a couch for the family to sit on, I’m the only one who cares about the drum. So, I can compromise.
We could have easily done something different, split up, me change what I wanted, separate finances, lots of solutions to a problem. You guys can do the same.
Figure out what makes each of you loose it and things will settle down.

Do not go on dates with someone who has threatened you with violence. This isn't complicated.

This guy could have actually put you in the hospital and there would still be women here telling you you're partly responsible and you should reconnect.

[Anonymous]

https://www.jcada.org/ Can help you create a safety plan - they have a hotline that you can call as well as therapy and legal assistance if/when that is needed. I hope you are able to stay safe op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need couples counseling, you need an individual therapist and a family law attorney who can help you navigate separation.

+1. This isn’t garden variety couple arguing and him wanting to talk something out while you want to go to bed and talk tmrw. This is not you needing to connect more over a nice dinner or you being unfair by not hearing him out. You can’t use normal advice in an abusive relationship. The fact that he has threatened violence and you have told him you want to call the police because he is harassing you indicates to me that he is abusive. Gtfo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. No cheating. I do avoid the conversations with him because it escalates to verbal abuse and threats of violence. we just need to separate but we can't even come to agreements on how that will work.

Are you in counseling? This is a situation for professionals to deal with, not online discussion. Why do you need an “agreement” with someone who is threatening you? Just leave.

We have kids. Do I leave them in the house? Do I take them with me?

You need professional help to determine if there is an actual danger here and a safety plan. You are saying your DH is threatening you and depriving you of sleep. Online strangers are not qualified to tell you what to do.

I am qualified because this was me 15 years ago. Refusing to let you sleep and verbal abuse are among the first signs of the mask coming off. Therapy is useless. Quietly get your ducks in a row to file for divorce. First, find and consult with a lawyer, using cash if you can. Gather all important documents and put in a safe place. Do not believe a word he says and at the first threat, call the police, have him removed and get a 72 hrs restraining order and then go back for the hearing for 2 years, and then permanently. Then file.

[Anonymous]

Hi, this is 22:32 again. Next time, do call the police. The craziest person will be removed from the house, and that is usually the man. Take the next day off work to get the 72 hour emergency temporary protective order. I’ll keep checking back here. This is your chance to get out. Take it and don’t look back. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Well, op, not nice to just avoid conversations, at some point the two of you do have to talk. If he’s threatening violence, and it’s not clear if it’s a real credible threat or not, or it only becomes real and credible when he says something you don’t want to hear.
You felt safe enough to both post online and threaten to get the police involved.. sounds like you may be weaponizing language and resources.
It also sounds like the kids are fine, text husband with where you are if you leave and say you’ll come back and when, or whatever else you will do, meet with a lawyer, see him for breakfast, whatever. That way he knows where you are and how to get in touch with you.
As my husband and I have discovered, our kids need us and they need both of us. Not fair or good parenting to get mad, run off, and make the other parent handle everything as one of you had better be with the kids. Not nice to always be the one to call first on getting out of the house or have your parked such that you can get out but he may have to move your car if he wants to get out. There are lots of ways to set things up so the words are right and the behavior sounds acceptable and appropriate and it isn’t. Give that some thought.
As for the arguments, I loose it on my husband when I don’t feel heard. I wanted a couch for a room in our house because we need more seating in that room. We didn’t before, now we do. My husband wouldn’t budge. I’ve wanted other things too, and I felt those were being minimized too. They weren’t, the couch may have been but the drums weren’t, I simply felt that they were. I was also tired of my teen being a little s*** and my husband’s only response was to tell me “to be the adult”. I know who I am and my role, I needed my husband to tell my kid to stop saying “mother” like she wanted to say another word after it, and his only response was “be the adult”. Drove me batty.
All that came to a head and we got into it.
You guys need to actually talk and you do need to participate. You need to ignore the verbal abuse, again if it was that bad you wouldn’t be posting while also threatening to call the nonemergency number. Neither of you play nice and you both need to address it or at least be aware of it.
And for those who are wondering, we don’t run our house where one of us just orders something. That was something we discussed once we calmed down, if you don’t think we need a couch, then it shouldn’t matter to you if I buy one. If you want input, then you must care about the couch and price is a form of wanting input, so I need you to just acknowledge that yes, we may just indeed need a couch in a place and in a room where we didn’t before.
Whatever you guys are doing is unsustainable. At one point you loved each other and couldn’t wait to talk to each other. Figure out how to get that back. Go on dates, hold hands, hug, do some form of prayer together or not, but do something to connect you guys with something bigger then you two.
And, I’m waiting on the drum. I want it, it will have to wait and I’m fine with that. We need a couch for the family to sit on, I’m the only one who cares about the drum. So, I can compromise.
We could have easily done something different, split up, me change what I wanted, separate finances, lots of solutions to a problem. You guys can do the same.
Figure out what makes each of you loose it and things will settle down.

I can't even begin to list everything that's wrong with this post. I feel sorry for this poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is 22:32 again. Next time, do call the police. The craziest person will be removed from the house, and that is usually the man. Take the next day off work to get the 72 hour emergency temporary protective order. I’ll keep checking back here. This is your chance to get out. Take it and don’t look back. You can do this.

This is OP. Thank you for this advice. There have been incidents where I know I should call the police but talk myself out of it thinking the kids will get scared or he may lose his job and that will only escalate this mess. After a bad night, it's calm for a few days and doesn't seem so bad.