Don't sacrifice everything for your children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I sacrificed everything and I watch my brother sacrifice nothing (like choosing a vacation instead of OT for his kid) and I don't know that it really matters, it is what it is. People do what they think and the kids turn out accordingly. People carry guilty resentment or carry nothing and that's that. Do whatever. See how it goes. I did what I did because at the time that's what I could live with.

To clarify -- did he take a vacation for himself while denying his kid OT? Or did he pay for a family vacation for all of them instead of spending money on OT? I can see an argument for the latter, as someone who has a kid with SNs. A lot of the therapies you get offered are expensive but don't help. A LOT of them. There are absolutely times when we've decided to scrap a therapy so that don't throw good money after bad. That money might go towards college savings, or retirement savings, or fixing up the house, or a vacation. Any of which I would view as also being for the benefit of my child, actually. It's just a choice to spend family resources differently. It is not de facto selfish, unless you're funneling money your kids need to stuff that ONLY benefits you.

Parents make choices like this all the time. They choose to send their kids to mediocre publics rather than stretching to the limit of their income to move for better publics or pay for private. This is not selfish if the goal is a more financially stable family life, being able to do other things as a family you would not otherwise be able to afford. It may reflect different values than yours, but it's no automatically selfish. Some people spend a lot on their kids activities, others don't. Some buy their kids really nice, trendy clothes, others don't. None of these are inherently selfish choices.

A selfish choice is "you will eat unhealthy and bad food so that I can afford to buy drugs and concert tickets for myself." It's not "you know what, this OT isn't doing anything anyway, let's take the kids to Disney this year instead because at least that's a memory we know our kids will love and I'll feel slightly less screwed over than if we give that money to this therapist who doesn't take insurance."

[Anonymous]

Your kids didn’t ask you to sacrifice everything. So why did you do it? That was your choice. And don’t be bitter about doing something no one asked you to do

[Anonymous]

As a former substitute teacher in the region, I see the lack of parenting that is going on. Basically, parenting these days is throwing an iPhone in front of their kids' faces and handing out money like our federal government prints it. Very little love and nurturing and teaching from parents. It's quite sad to be honest. Many kids can't even have simple conversations because they are too busy with their heads buried in their phones while texting their friends. But hey...if you're a parent living on a golf course with BMWs and Porsches sitting in the yard with top shelf liquor and Xanax readily available throughout the house for social gatherings, who needs kids to raise when it's all about maintaining one's status within a gated community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

+1. I have and will continue to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't sacrifice your children.

What if the gods are angry? Sacrifice a goat instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids didn’t ask you to sacrifice everything. So why did you do it? That was your choice. And don’t be bitter about doing something no one asked you to do

I am from the generation where a lot of women gave up their careers to be SAHM's and bitterly resented it and had no problem telling their kids that. My mom had two master's degrees and gave up her teaching career, which she loved when she had three kids. Later, she went back to work as a receptionist at my dad's dentists' office, because it provided more flexibility -- but she bitterly resented having a dumb job that didn't challenge her intellectually. We were well aware of this and we felt really guilty. It was all our fault for wanting piano lessons or whatever. Granted, some of this was probably my mom's mental health issues and maybe there are some remarkably well adjusted women (and men) who can walk away from a rewarding, fulfilling career that they have dreamed about since they were little in order to drive car pool who don't resent it or take it out on their kids -= but it's unreasonable to think that everyone is going to be that selfless. And if you say "Well, anyone who's not that selfless should never have children", well, don't be surprised with the current population declines.

It's also difficult as a woman to look at a situation where men still often give up remarkably little and still get to have kids and family fun on vacations, etc. All of the joy and none of the sacrifice.

I'm also at the point where my kids are in their mid-twenties and it does feel a bit like they became who they were always going to be, and taking the one who is profoundly anti-intellectual and never wants to go to grad school to Kumon after school for years was probably a waste of time. Buying clothes from Target so we could afford said Kumon also kind of chafes a bit. I spent a lot on math tutors for kids who just kinda hate math, and honestly I took them to church a lot and that didn't seem to stick either. In some ways it feels like I didn't really have that much of an impact on them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

+1. I have and will continue to do so.

Your kids will move on. Hope you didn't sacrifice your marital relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

+1. I have and will continue to do so.

This 'kids first' is for you, not for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

+1. I have and will continue to do so.

I had a 'friend' say that if she couldn't afford to give her kids the best shoes, she'd rather not have kids. So glad she never had any. She'd still be looking for the best shoes.

[Anonymous]

I regularly sacrifice for my children. THis weekend it's going to be a goat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

+1. I have and will continue to do so.

Your kids will move on. Hope you didn't sacrifice your marital relationship.

To keep things in perspective, some marital relationships aren't worth keeping after the kids move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I sacrificed everything and I watch my brother sacrifice nothing (like choosing a vacation instead of OT for his kid) and I don't know that it really matters, it is what it is. People do what they think and the kids turn out accordingly. People carry guilty resentment or carry nothing and that's that. Do whatever. See how it goes. I did what I did because at the time that's what I could live with.

To clarify -- did he take a vacation for himself while denying his kid OT? Or did he pay for a family vacation for all of them instead of spending money on OT? I can see an argument for the latter, as someone who has a kid with SNs. A lot of the therapies you get offered are expensive but don't help. A LOT of them. There are absolutely times when we've decided to scrap a therapy so that don't throw good money after bad. That money might go towards college savings, or retirement savings, or fixing up the house, or a vacation. Any of which I would view as also being for the benefit of my child, actually. It's just a choice to spend family resources differently. It is not de facto selfish, unless you're funneling money your kids need to stuff that ONLY benefits you.

Parents make choices like this all the time. They choose to send their kids to mediocre publics rather than stretching to the limit of their income to move for better publics or pay for private. This is not selfish if the goal is a more financially stable family life, being able to do other things as a family you would not otherwise be able to afford. It may reflect different values than yours, but it's no automatically selfish. Some people spend a lot on their kids activities, others don't. Some buy their kids really nice, trendy clothes, others don't. None of these are inherently selfish choices.

A selfish choice is "you will eat unhealthy and bad food so that I can afford to buy drugs and concert tickets for myself." It's not "you know what, this OT isn't doing anything anyway, let's take the kids to Disney this year instead because at least that's a memory we know our kids will love and I'll feel slightly less screwed over than if we give that money to this therapist who doesn't take insurance."

We had a child in many years of therapies. We never did vacations, only diy the house and put everything into them. That is a necessity for some kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

+1. I have and will continue to do so.

Your kids will move on. Hope you didn't sacrifice your marital relationship.

If you have a good marriage, both will put the kids first. My parents put each other before us. Then, they divorce when I was an adult. The strained relationship became more strained. Now as a parent, it was clear I was never a priority and I cannot imagine doing that to mine. Our lives revolve around ours and we are happy to do it. We get pleasure in watching them enjoy their passions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids didn’t ask you to sacrifice everything. So why did you do it? That was your choice. And don’t be bitter about doing something no one asked you to do

Ask no, but, it’s worth it to see them as well rounded happy young people. My parents never put us as a priority and I’m not repeating their mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I think if you equate sacrifices with getting the kid to turn into what you imagine for your adult child is a majority of the problem. Your sacrifices should generally be to make it easier for them to be the best version of themselves within the parameters of genetics, socioeconomics, etc. Parents also tend to make the sacrifices that they wished their own parents had made IMO.