the case for not divorcing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still waiting to hear "the case for not divorcing". Did I miss it? All I read were some anecdotes and opinions.

Yes, where is the case made, OP? I'm not seeing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people on here are all "think of what you're role modeling for the children if you're not affectionate / don't love each other / are playing pleasant for the children!!!"

Yes ideally all children would have parents that are married, communicate well, love each other, model great boundaries etc etc etc. But the reality is that's a small % of marriages with young children

Do you divorce if you're not that b/c you're not role modelling an ideal marriage for the kids?

Well I just texted a mom about a playdate with her daughter this weekend. She said it's the dad's weekend. The dad said he's out of town but to text the step mom. The step mom said it sounded fun but she didn't feel like the drive and it might mess up her toddlers nap time so no thanks.

Is this devastating to their kid? No. I'm sure you could argue that its great for the girl to learn to compromise. But she has new babies in both families and those families are both oriented around their full time kids instead of adapting the baby into the existing (part time) kids needs. Lets not minimize the impact of new spouses and new kids and lots of competing priorities and hierarchies of importance on a kids life. That truly can be more damaging to kids than parents stay together as platonic roommates instead of romantic partners. When second marriages have an even higher divorce rate we think thats providing a better model?

And I say this as a person who wished her parents would divorce each other when I was in high school bc they so clearly hated each other and the tension was so high

[Anonymous]

What kids need to see is how their parents manage disagreements, fights and full blown crises. A good and lasting marriage is not devoid of those, but it’s one where those are resolved fully and respectfully. The kids don’t need to know the details of the issue but they will live through a cycle of calm-tension-calm and know that conflict is not the end of the world and can and should be overcome.

This board is the last place anyone should be getting relationship advice, so take everything with a big rock of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<yawn> 🥱

+1.

Ideal marriages are just that...ideal.

We live in the real world.

[Anonymous]

This is the case against step children.

If all the kids have the same set of parents, divorce and remarry has more potential to be less dysfunctional.

If you have children and are divorced, only remarry people who do not have / want children of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<yawn> 🥱

+1.

Ideal marriages are just that...ideal.

We live in the real world.

OP seems to be comparing divorce against a functioning marriage. I also lived through my parents' daily toxic fighting. What OP described sounds much more terrific in comparison. A missed playdate versus adults screaming and crying for hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage hit its lowest point when one kid was a toddler and the second was on the way. Part of the problem was that we were already acting like divorced parents - taking turns watching the kid so we could each do what we wanted individually, but not spending any quality time as a couple. 15 years later I'm glad we worked things out.

People often say "don't stay together just for the kids' sake" and I agree with that but would add "don't let the fact that you're parents define your entire relationship."

your lowest point doesn’t sound very low. I’m glad your marriage held up, but people divorce for much more serious interpersonal dysfunction. it’s cute though that you think divorce is the same as leaving the toddler with your husband so you can go to the gym.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<yawn> 🥱

+1.

Ideal marriages are just that...ideal.

We live in the real world.

OP seems to be comparing divorce against a functioning marriage. I also lived through my parents' daily toxic fighting. What OP described sounds much more terrific in comparison. A missed playdate versus adults screaming and crying for hours?

Or a stepmom who doesn't prioritize your needs versus her own / the shared kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage hit its lowest point when one kid was a toddler and the second was on the way. Part of the problem was that we were already acting like divorced parents - taking turns watching the kid so we could each do what we wanted individually, but not spending any quality time as a couple. 15 years later I'm glad we worked things out.

People often say "don't stay together just for the kids' sake" and I agree with that but would add "don't let the fact that you're parents define your entire relationship."

your lowest point doesn’t sound very low. I’m glad your marriage held up, but people divorce for much more serious interpersonal dysfunction. it’s cute though that you think divorce is the same as leaving the toddler with your husband so you can go to the gym.

is this a competition to you or ?

[Anonymous]

That's screwed up that the dad is out of town but the kid has to stay with step-mom instead of mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you drive her OP?

Personally I think remarrying and having babies when you have young kids is pretty tacky so I’m with you there.

Same. So trashy.

[Anonymous]

agree OP. as long as the two parents are respectful and good parents, then they need to tough it out. Getting divorced for growing apart or lack of affection and sex while you have young kids is a selfish and horrible idea. I can't imagine dragging my kid through my dating, new partners, potential step siblings, step grandparents etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's screwed up that the dad is out of town but the kid has to stay with step-mom instead of mom.

I was wondering about that too. Maybe they have an acrimonious custody arrangement and the dad is firm that his weekend, is HIS weekend whether he is there or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<yawn> 🥱

+1.

Ideal marriages are just that...ideal.

We live in the real world.

So stop divorcing when your marriage isn't bliss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage hit its lowest point when one kid was a toddler and the second was on the way. Part of the problem was that we were already acting like divorced parents - taking turns watching the kid so we could each do what we wanted individually, but not spending any quality time as a couple. 15 years later I'm glad we worked things out.

People often say "don't stay together just for the kids' sake" and I agree with that but would add "don't let the fact that you're parents define your entire relationship."

your lowest point doesn’t sound very low. I’m glad your marriage held up, but it’s cute though that you think divorce is the same as leaving the toddler with your husband so you can go to the gym.

is this a competition to you or ?

Not PP, but you seem willfully obtuse. "The worse part of our marriage was a brief time when our children where very young where we had enough for ourselves but I would've preferred more cuddles" isn't exactly rock bottom. As PP said, and you seem to keep ignoring, "people divorce for much more serious interpersonal dysfunction."

My abuser left multiple physical scars on my body. I decided to divorce when he threatened to treat our children the same way. I don't give a rat's behind if they miss a playdate or two with judgy OP's kid, or your temporarily-slightly-less-than-ideal family.