How to explain that cleaning your own mess is not "above and beyond"

[Anonymous]

I mean, you should just chuckle and seem mildly amused when he suggests payment. The kid isn’t an idiot. He is playing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we never paid for doing chores or gave our kids an allowance. You don't do things around the house because you are paid for them. You do them because you live there and/or we asked you to.

(Our kids could ask us for money when they needed it and it was given independent of their chores if we decided the activity/purchase was okay.)

So...stop giving him an allowance at all. He's become entitled.

It's not all or nothing regarding an allowance. Some would argue best practice is to have chores as part of the household and also have a small allowance that kids divide among "save, spend, and donate" to practice managing money and delayed gratification.

Having to ask the grand bank of mom and dad for money doesn't help them learn budgeting as well as having to decide whether "their" money should go.

[Anonymous]

Just start putting any dishes he leaves out on his bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask my kid “who do you think should be responsible for your dirty dishes? Why?” It forces them to articulate that they believe mom is the maid. Ask questions until they have to admit they really just don’t want to do it.

On paying, I’d say “sure. I’ll pay you for cleaning up after yourself if you’ll pay me for driving you to practice. Deal?”

+1. I tell my tween that there isn't a fairy that comes around and does these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically I tie having more freedom with more responsibility, and that includes cleaning and being responsible for your stuff.

+1 this too.

[Anonymous]

My husband loves to announce when he does a household task like vacuuming or putting dishes in the dishwasher.

OK? You live here! Why wouldn’t you put dishes in the dishwasher.

Same! Sorry, DH, I'm not going to throw you a parade if you do a half-assed job sweeping the kitchen floor semi-annually or finally clean a cast iron pan that's been sitting around for 10 days because you believe you're the only one who can clean it properly.

My teens are a bit better, but are definitely blissfully unaware of certain routine household chores that need to be done by everyone (must be genetic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask my kid “who do you think should be responsible for your dirty dishes? Why?” It forces them to articulate that they believe mom is the maid. Ask questions until they have to admit they really just don’t want to do it.

On paying, I’d say “sure. I’ll pay you for cleaning up after yourself if you’ll pay me for driving you to practice. Deal?”

This is good.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to pay to clean up the mess you made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm NOT going to pay YOU to clean up the mess you made.

typos fixed.

[Anonymous]

This is why I don’t give an allowance or pay them to help out.

[Anonymous]

I never have my kid an allowance. He was taught to clean up after himself because he lived in a household and it’s an expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone suggest exact words to use to explain to a teen that washing dishes from a snack they made (for himself) and wiping the counters/putting away food does not warrant getting paid some sort of bonus money on top of his allowance? He doesn't seem to understand that everyone has to contribute to keeping our household in order. We are happy to pay him for "extra" things like digging up a plot for mom's herb garden, helping dad trim our shrubs, or power washing the driveway. Help us to explain the difference to him.

At what age did you start requiring them to clean up after themselves? It sounds like when they were 8, 9, 10, or even 11 they were not doing dishes, cleaning up after dinner, or doing regular chores.

[Anonymous]

GMAFB. If your kid expects to get paid for doing this then they should expect to pay someone else every time someone else does it for them. Explain to them that your paid job outside the home is xyz and you did not volunteer your precious and well compensated time to be their personal housekeeper. That sh*t costs money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone suggest exact words to use to explain to a teen that washing dishes from a snack they made (for himself) and wiping the counters/putting away food does not warrant getting paid some sort of bonus money on top of his allowance? He doesn't seem to understand that everyone has to contribute to keeping our household in order. We are happy to pay him for "extra" things like digging up a plot for mom's herb garden, helping dad trim our shrubs, or power washing the driveway. Help us to explain the difference to him.

"No."

+1000 You can disagree with me all you want, but you're still not getting "paid" for cleaning up after yourself and I'm not going to debate you about it. That's a task everyone has to do, unpaid.

[Anonymous]

Stop paying him to do ANY chores until he's better at household tasks.

And I'd really hesitate to "hire" him again. In theory he should have an allowance and he should help with chores, and they shouldn't be directly correlated, just loosely correlated.