Feeling hopeless and heartbroken

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I have been there too. It has gotten better with age, meds, residential treatment, parent coaching, more therapists. It's been exhausting and expensive, but I wanted to send some hope.

[Anonymous]

So will she actually go to school? Do you get a bit of downtime then?

[Anonymous]

Is there space for an autism diagnosis/ABA?

[Anonymous]

OP-

She does go to school 75%-80% of the time, always with a fight. She attends a non public special education school for students with behavior needs. After the pandemic we have been through public, private, public with special education supports, and two non public schools. That has been a whole other exhausting experience.

I work a full time job.

I have started to research residential treatment and/or therapeutic boarding schools but it is very scary, especially after the trauma we experienced with her hospitalizations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you and your loved ones are living in pain, OP. The world can be so harsh and unforgiving to parents like you.

Are there support groups and coaches to guide parents with defiant and violent children through their options?

I've heard of parents who terminated their parental rights for their affected child and let them be institutionalized by the state. I know that's a scary and extreme option. How do you feel about it?

New poster. There is no mechanism in law for self termination of your parental rights and no mechanism to have your child raised by the state. This is myth.

It’s a really damaging myth because it lets people think “oh they have options! So, I can continue to not support the expansion of programs that would help.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-

She does go to school 75%-80% of the time, always with a fight. She attends a non public special education school for students with behavior needs. After the pandemic we have been through public, private, public with special education supports, and two non public schools. That has been a whole other exhausting experience.

I work a full time job.

I have started to research residential treatment and/or therapeutic boarding schools but it is very scary, especially after the trauma we experienced with her hospitalizations.

Solidarity. I have an ADHD/ASD 11 y.o. kid myself who is challenging but not violent. It is a lonely journey and the timing of the pandemic school closures made it challenging to identify developmental differences and get interventions for kids of this age. We just switched her to a non-public school since MCPS wouldn’t do much since she wasn’t failing and wasn’t interrupting others’ learning. She just spent a big chunk of each day at the nurse complaining of various ailments.

It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in an impossible situation. Do you have therapy for yourself? I’m impressed by your sacrifices to get your other child a better living environment. Of course you’re sad! It’s devastating!

[Anonymous]

sounds like my PDA/ASD kid. have you tried low-demand parenting approaches? I know, counterintuitive, but it's a long-term endeavor. Obviously, safety boundaries still need to be held to even with this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you and your loved ones are living in pain, OP. The world can be so harsh and unforgiving to parents like you.

Are there support groups and coaches to guide parents with defiant and violent children through their options?

I've heard of parents who terminated their parental rights for their affected child and let them be institutionalized by the state. I know that's a scary and extreme option. How do you feel about it?

New poster. There is no mechanism in law for self termination of your parental rights and no mechanism to have your child raised by the state. This is myth.

It’s a really damaging myth because it lets people think “oh they have options! So, I can continue to not support the expansion of programs that would help.”

DP. Also, even if it were true, then what happens to the child? It would be ridiculous to split up a family in order to get help and it’s not like foster families would be lining up. There need to be better options to help families instead of leaving them to fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice for you, OP, just a lot of sympathy. You have no good options and that's heartbreaking. You have to make the decisions that are best for your family, especially your other DD.

I hope you have a counselor to help you. I also found an SSRI to be incredibly helpful. I didn't have to spend so much of my energy on my own emotional regulation and could direct it elsewhere. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Please get this child a brain scan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not looking for judgement maybe just support

Living with an 11 year old ADHD, Mood Disorder, Anxiety, ODD has torn my family apart. We have no real choice but to separate our other child from this trauma. This causes a separation in our family. I am left alone dealing with her and missing my other child and husband. Yesterday she destroyed my house again, throwing lotion, perfume, mouth wash all over the floor. After she calmed she cleaned it up. Then at 3:00 I was up to hear her threatening to kill me because I wouldn’t give her access to the internet. It’s going to be a long day. I will be here trying to be consistent with restrictions based on behaviors and will spend the majority of my day locked in my room, the only place I feel safe. A real prisoner in my home. Before judgement- we have therapist, psychiatrist, medication, at a non public, have tried two hospitalizations, kicked out of PHP, did a 6 week in home program…. Feeling helpless trapped and so heartbroken

OP, I am involved with NAMI and have encountered other families with similar problems. It is frightening and scary and sad for parents. You are not alone, and this is not happening because you are a bad parent or person. Typical parenting approaches don't work and often make things worse, but no one gives us a parenting manual for these kids. I have also encountered parents who have made it through this kind of parenting experience and come to a place where they have a positive relationship with their kids and their kids have developed enough skills and emotional control to make their way in the world independently. I'm really sorry that our culture doesn't provide you with the emotional, financial, governmental and medical support you and your kid need and deserve.

I know you said you have a NAMI navigator and support group from a Parents Place. I also really think the NAMI Basics class is useful - not for immediate solutions for your kid, but to see the long arc instead of being swept up in the chaos of now and to think more about how you are feeling and communicating and your supports and what issues you will encounter as she grows.

[Anonymous]

Op- thank you all for sharing in solidarity, I will look into all of the suggestions you have provided. I was reluctant to post on here because I really cannot endure any judgement at this time.

In response to the brain scan suggestions, about two years ago I reached out to a highly recommended child neurologist, after some begging and pleading I was able to secure an appointment, we had an in person appointment and evaluation, he agreed to do an EEG to rule out seizure activity, the EEG was normal and that is how the appointment ended. How have others been able to get a brain scan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-

She does go to school 75%-80% of the time, always with a fight. She attends a non public special education school for students with behavior needs. After the pandemic we have been through public, private, public with special education supports, and two non public schools. That has been a whole other exhausting experience.

I work a full time job.

I have started to research residential treatment and/or therapeutic boarding schools but it is very scary, especially after the trauma we experienced with her hospitalizations.

Honestly, if you can afford it, residential treatment was a great respite for us. It was such a peaceful time to have our child gone and get some healing time for the family. There weren’t really positive long term effects, but the relief was amazing. It is expensive though.

[Anonymous]

What residential treatment did you use?

[Anonymous]

This child is the perfect candidate for residential. Is there any possible way to brainstorm with her psychiatrist a plan for a less traumatic hospitalization experience for her if she's in an acute crisis in the future? Like driving her to a different ER, or having an admission plan rehearsed with the family ahead of time? This seems like an essential resource she may need in the future.