Should I discourage this “fair weather” friend?

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I don’t know why I thought they went to different schools. It would bother me if they attended the same school and dropped my kid whenever school started.

I was talking to my friend and girls seem much more brutal than boys. Looks and popularity comes into play a lot more for girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have posted previously about this neighbor friend.

Your kids don’t attend the same school. I would let your dd navigate herself. She is old enough. If she doesn’t have many friends, I would actually encourage to hang out with neighbor.

My son has a neighbor friend since he has known since elementary. I guess the difference is that my kid is the one who has more friends. My kid goes to public while neighbor goes to private. I encourage ds to invite neighbor but he says he wants to just hang out with the school friends since the neighbor doesn’t know his school friends. DS has also hung out with neighbor and some of his private school friends but it isn’t as fun for ds since he doesn’t really know them.

I don’t think anyone is at fault. They just attend different schools and have different activities and schedules.

If this is the case with OP (kids not in school together), I agree this is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I would not interfere, it's a social outlet during the summer. I'd try to pinpoint reasons why DD does not have close friends and help her work on those skills.

Does she have ADD or another challenge? If yes, Additude has a lot of resources on website. My DD got better with meds, coaching and role playing. Also, school counselor had a lunch bunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have posted previously about this neighbor friend.

Your kids don’t attend the same school. I would let your dd navigate herself. She is old enough. If she doesn’t have many friends, I would actually encourage to hang out with neighbor.

My son has a neighbor friend since he has known since elementary. I guess the difference is that my kid is the one who has more friends. My kid goes to public while neighbor goes to private. I encourage ds to invite neighbor but he says he wants to just hang out with the school friends since the neighbor doesn’t know his school friends. DS has also hung out with neighbor and some of his private school friends but it isn’t as fun for ds since he doesn’t really know them.

I don’t think anyone is at fault. They just attend different schools and have different activities and schedules.

If this is the case with OP (kids not in school together), I agree this is not a big deal.

I’m the pp and I’m not sure why I thought they went to different schools. They may attend the same school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

I hate how much I hate it, though. They’ll be so close all summer, then the girl just rejects and ignores my DD the whole year. I just can’t imagine this being typical and acceptable!

I don't know how typical it is but DD has the exact same friend, exact same situation.
Nice kid though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

I hate how much I hate it, though. They’ll be so close all summer, then the girl just rejects and ignores my DD the whole year. I just can’t imagine this being typical and acceptable!

I don't know how typical it is but DD has the exact same friend, exact same situation.
Nice kid though.

I have 3 busy kids. My teens play a lot of sports. They have practice and games almost everyday. The only people they normally hang out with are teammates. During breaks, there is more free time. Just a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Yes she will think this is acceptable behavior of friends.

[Anonymous]

DS has neighborhood friends who will gladly play soccer and Nerf wars when it’s nice out, but they’re in completely different social groups at school. Sometimes a “right now” friend is all they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never discouraged when my kids have friends who are crap friends. I just ask a lot of questions and listen. She knows OP. She'll get there herself.

Kind of Devil’s Advocate here, but why is this a crap friend? Growing up there were kids in my neighborhood who I only hung out with over the summer, but never talked to in school. That was our friendship. No different than a colleague I enjoy a workplace “friendship” with but whom I wouldn’t invite to a party. We expect a lot out of kids.

It's fine if that goes both ways. It sometimes doesn't. We all know dynamics are different with kids. OP's kid is probably not "cool enough" for the neighbor during the school year when other kids are around. I certainly hope none of us as adults are behaving that way. If I know you at work and I happen to see you at a party, I will still be the same type of person and friend toward you at the party. A crap friend is someone who treats you differently in different settings and befriends you mostly when it's convenient for them and they have no other offers.

+1

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this, from second grade into high school. We would be friends for a while, she would drop me. This was always the pattern: her dropping me and being mean about it. I had other friends too. Anyway, in my sophomore year, she did it to me and I decided I was dome forever with her. It was a really good life lesson. I felt a resolve about my decision that I had never felt before. A year later I had the same epiphany about a bad boyfriend and broke up with him. My point is that these friendships can help us learn about life. I haven't had a one-sided friendship since.

I think I would have liked to talk about this with my mom, but we didn't have that kind of relationship. If you feel that this veers into causing depression or bullying, then I'd step in.

[Anonymous]

No I don’t think you should bc neighbor girl might be the only person she has to hang out with this summer.

But you can help her put things in perspective. She has to know not to expect neighbor girl to keep up the friendship. She should think of her like a camp friend. If she had more friends this wouldn’t bother her or you as much as it does.

I have an extroverted daughter who has had many of these short term type friendships based on convenience. If the person doesn’t fit into their friend group it’s painful for everyone to try. High school though kids tend to expand and have friends in different groups so this year might be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

I hate how much I hate it, though. They’ll be so close all summer, then the girl just rejects and ignores my DD the whole year. I just can’t imagine this being typical and acceptable!

I don't know how typical it is but DD has the exact same friend, exact same situation.
Nice kid though.

I have 3 busy kids. My teens play a lot of sports. They have practice and games almost everyday. The only people they normally hang out with are teammates. During breaks, there is more free time. Just a different perspective.

Same. My DD has a lot of free time in the summer since it’s off season and enjoys hanging out with the neighborhood kids at the local pool. Sports take up most of her life during the school year.

[Anonymous]

Some friends are just for fun.

Boys would never even blink an eye if they had a friend like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

I hate how much I hate it, though. They’ll be so close all summer, then the girl just rejects and ignores my DD the whole year. I just can’t imagine this being typical and acceptable!

This sort a thing is a two way street. Your daughter gets something from this friend so she keeps going back. That kind of makes her a user too. And you don’t see how your daughter treats her so you don’t know if f your daughter is causing this dynamic at least in part.

[Anonymous]

My kids all have several summer friends who belong to our neighborhood pool and hang out together during the summer. Many go to the same school, but during the school year don’t hang out together because of different interests/activities. That seems totally fine to me.