Should I discourage this “fair weather” friend?

[Anonymous]

Our DD14 does not have a lot of friends. We have her in extracurriculars so she socializes, but she doesn’t have close friends that she gets together with socially outside of her commitments.

We have a neighbor on our block with a DD the same age. The girls were thick as thieves when they were younger, fell out of friendship the summer before Covid, connected again during quarantine hanging out outside, fell apart again when school was back, and then reconnected again every summer since. The thing is, this neighbor only seems to be interested in DD when she doesn’t have anything else going on, then she drops her like a hot potato when school starts up again. And I sort of—no, really—resent this “fair weather friend” and feel like she takes advantage of DD.

Am I wrong to discourage this “friendship”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD14 does not have a lot of friends. We have her in extracurriculars so she socializes, but she doesn’t have close friends that she gets together with socially outside of her commitments.

We have a neighbor on our block with a DD the same age. The girls were thick as thieves when they were younger, fell out of friendship the summer before Covid, connected again during quarantine hanging out outside, fell apart again when school was back, and then reconnected again every summer since. The thing is, this neighbor only seems to be interested in DD when she doesn’t have anything else going on, then she drops her like a hot potato when school starts up again. And I sort of—no, really—resent this “fair weather friend” and feel like she takes advantage of DD.

Am I wrong to discourage this “friendship”?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our DD14 does not have a lot of friends. We have her in extracurriculars so she socializes, but she doesn’t have close friends that she gets together with socially outside of her commitments.

We have a neighbor on our block with a DD the same age. The girls were thick as thieves when they were younger, fell out of friendship the summer before Covid, connected again during quarantine hanging out outside, fell apart again when school was back, and then reconnected again every summer since. The thing is, this neighbor only seems to be interested in DD when she doesn’t have anything else going on, then she drops her like a hot potato when school starts up again. And I sort of—no, really—resent this “fair weather friend” and feel like she takes advantage of DD.

Am I wrong to discourage this “friendship”?

Yes

Can you elaborate? Do you NOT think my DD is being taken advantage of?

[Anonymous]

My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

[Anonymous]

I have a 14-year-old and he definitely doesn’t want my opinion on his friends and he’s a good laid-back kid. If he complained to me about one of his friends, I might say what I thought.

[Anonymous]

Let your daughter navigate this herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

I hate how much I hate it, though. They’ll be so close all summer, then the girl just rejects and ignores my DD the whole year. I just can’t imagine this being typical and acceptable!

[Anonymous]

I have never discouraged when my kids have friends who are crap friends. I just ask a lot of questions and listen. She knows OP. She'll get there herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD 11 has a friend like this. I would not discourage it unless the child is actually a bad influence on yours. Friendships ebb and flow, let it happen.

I hate how much I hate it, though. They’ll be so close all summer, then the girl just rejects and ignores my DD the whole year. I just can’t imagine this being typical and acceptable!

I’m the PP you responded to. Does your DD seem bothered by it? Mine doesn’t which is why I guess I let it happen. It does bother me, but doesn’t seem to bother DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never discouraged when my kids have friends who are crap friends. I just ask a lot of questions and listen. She knows OP. She'll get there herself.

Kind of Devil’s Advocate here, but why is this a crap friend? Growing up there were kids in my neighborhood who I only hung out with over the summer, but never talked to in school. That was our friendship. No different than a colleague I enjoy a workplace “friendship” with but whom I wouldn’t invite to a party. We expect a lot out of kids.

[Anonymous]

Kids are busy and kids often end up socializing with who is in their immediate periphery. If your DD is not bothered by this, why are you? I don't think this kid is a fair weather friend based on what you've told us. It's circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never discouraged when my kids have friends who are crap friends. I just ask a lot of questions and listen. She knows OP. She'll get there herself.

Kind of Devil’s Advocate here, but why is this a crap friend? Growing up there were kids in my neighborhood who I only hung out with over the summer, but never talked to in school. That was our friendship. No different than a colleague I enjoy a workplace “friendship” with but whom I wouldn’t invite to a party. We expect a lot out of kids.

+1 But I would describe this girl as a good acquaintance, not a bad friend. I would keep encouraging real friendships but I wouldn't discourage this relationship.

[Anonymous]

She's 14 - old enough to make her own decisions about friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you have posted previously about this neighbor friend.

Your kids don’t attend the same school. I would let your dd navigate herself. She is old enough. If she doesn’t have many friends, I would actually encourage to hang out with neighbor.

My son has a neighbor friend since he has known since elementary. I guess the difference is that my kid is the one who has more friends. My kid goes to public while neighbor goes to private. I encourage ds to invite neighbor but he says he wants to just hang out with the school friends since the neighbor doesn’t know his school friends. DS has also hung out with neighbor and some of his private school friends but it isn’t as fun for ds since he doesn’t really know them.

I don’t think anyone is at fault. They just attend different schools and have different activities and schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never discouraged when my kids have friends who are crap friends. I just ask a lot of questions and listen. She knows OP. She'll get there herself.

Kind of Devil’s Advocate here, but why is this a crap friend? Growing up there were kids in my neighborhood who I only hung out with over the summer, but never talked to in school. That was our friendship. No different than a colleague I enjoy a workplace “friendship” with but whom I wouldn’t invite to a party. We expect a lot out of kids.

It's fine if that goes both ways. It sometimes doesn't. We all know dynamics are different with kids. OP's kid is probably not "cool enough" for the neighbor during the school year when other kids are around. I certainly hope none of us as adults are behaving that way. If I know you at work and I happen to see you at a party, I will still be the same type of person and friend toward you at the party. A crap friend is someone who treats you differently in different settings and befriends you mostly when it's convenient for them and they have no other offers.