House maintenance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this will answer the house question, but my parents are in a similar situation and the burden of taking care of all household items plus my dad (who has moderate demensia, is partially incontinent, plus is not very steady on his feet) is very wearing on my mom.

The only thing keeping this arrangement alive was my mom putting my dad in adult day care at least 3 days a week. My dad does well with the additional stimulation and my mom gets to take a breath, recharge and take care of household things on those days. Their long term care insurance is paying for the cost of the center. Having an aide in the house was not nearly as helpful. Maybe start by trying to get your mom some breathing room?

I tried broaching the topic of hiring a contractor to deal with the infestations with her and she went into full on denial mode. She’s not currently accepting feedback especially from me.

Not illegal- just sad. At least I don’t live there, too…

It is sad. I watched my parents' once meticulous home fall into disrepair when my parents became too frail to manage it. My two siblings who also lived there let it happen rather than spend the money and time to upkeep it. Lacking POA, I could do nothing other than called APS, which would have caused me to be ostracized. You might call your county vector control for advice.

I learned that on another safety issue the hard way.

Mice, termites, bats, and various other bugs are what I have noticed in the house without doing a full inspection. They are coming from the walls facing the woods through the outlets and the attic.

[Anonymous]

OP - The infestation in your parent's home could impact neighbors health and welfare, too. I would let the head of the HOA know of the situation and "ask them" to serve your parents with a notice that it must be dealt with by a certain date so that you can take charge and get a contractor in. Sometimes, you need to work around the old folks for their best interests.

[Anonymous]

Jesus. I love bats and I actually work in wildlife conservation, but bats are a huge rabies risk. Mice are just gross, but at least in the DMV don't transmit fatal illnesses AFAIK. Termites of course will destroy the house and bugs generally are gross (although I don't kill spiders so they can deal with any bugs).

Bats, though -- that is a very, very serious health hazard. Rabies is preventable with prophylaxis immediately after an exposure, but the problem with bats is that often there aren't any visible bites or scratches. Once contracted, rabies is almost invariably fatal except in extremely rare cases with high levels of critical care support.

Bats are serious enough you cannot let it go. You have to confront your mom. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Is your mom counting on equity from the home to be able to support her and your dad in their later years?

If so could you point out to her that failing to fix the problem will actually cause them to lose money? She might not care about herself, but maybe she'll care about your dad?

Also - giving her a contractor's number might not be enough for her. She might need someone to actually take over the chore.

Next time you visit can you call someone and have them meet with you and your mom, just to "talk"? Explain to the exterminator that your mom is really resistant and probably scared she'll be yelled at for failing to keep the house up. You need someone nice and gentle, who says "OH sure, this is no problem..." and builds a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

If my parents respected me and I would be safe getting further involved, I would. Unfortunately after speaking with their local senior services line, I was told to stay out of it until they are required to hand over POA. (My mother is POA now)

I did explain the extent of the infestation and they said “soon enough but not yet.”

[Anonymous]

If it's really bats, you can try animal control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my parents respected me and I would be safe getting further involved, I would. Unfortunately after speaking with their local senior services line, I was told to stay out of it until they are required to hand over POA. (My mother is POA now)

I did explain the extent of the infestation and they said “soon enough but not yet.”

That's disheartening. Do you have to wait until they get bitten by a bat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my parents respected me and I would be safe getting further involved, I would. Unfortunately after speaking with their local senior services line, I was told to stay out of it until they are required to hand over POA. (My mother is POA now)

I did explain the extent of the infestation and they said “soon enough but not yet.”

That's disheartening. Do you have to wait until they get bitten by a bat?

No. I have to wait until they request help or another POA takes over for them both.

[Anonymous]

feel for you OP, went through the same, in laws denial prevented our help and have never experienced something so heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - The infestation in your parent's home could impact neighbors health and welfare, too. I would let the head of the HOA know of the situation and "ask them" to serve your parents with a notice that it must be dealt with by a certain date so that you can take charge and get a contractor in. Sometimes, you need to work around the old folks for their best interests.

If the parents are really out there , they could get nasty to Hoa, threaten to sue. Don’t make the HOA, all volunteers, do your dirty work. Maybe a government agency like department of public health or whatever deals with this. At least those people are paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my parents respected me and I would be safe getting further involved, I would. Unfortunately after speaking with their local senior services line, I was told to stay out of it until they are required to hand over POA. (My mother is POA now)

I did explain the extent of the infestation and they said “soon enough but not yet.”

That's disheartening. Do you have to wait until they get bitten by a bat?

No. I have to wait until they request help or another POA takes over for them both.

What exactly is this “local senior services line”? In what way would you be unsafe by getting further involved?

This is the safety and health of your parents on the line here. I would talk to an exterminator and meet them at the house and pay for whatever needs to be done.

Your poor mom is overwhelmed with dealing with your dad every day, and she is also grieving the man she had been married to for so long. I went through this with my parents, with one taking care of the other with dementia. It is a difficult road, and the caretaker parent can get caught up in the day to day minutia of doing absolutely everything for their spouse so that they can’t see the other things that need to be done around the house.

Please help your mom deal with this, even if she says, no, no, everything is just fine. Show her the evidence that it is not fine and tell her you worry about her and your dad. You do not need POA to help her and your father be safe and healthy. You just need to be a loving, caring child.

[Anonymous]

My father who is the one struggling with dementia has threatened to charge me with elder abuse if I offer any assistance that is not requested by them. When I told the senior services employee this, she advised me to stay out of it for my own protection. Every county in my state has a senior services department as part of the social services division.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father who is the one struggling with dementia has threatened to charge me with elder abuse if I offer any assistance that is not requested by them. When I told the senior services employee this, she advised me to stay out of it for my own protection. Every county in my state has a senior services department as part of the social services division.

They need help. Your father with dementia is not the one you should be taking orders from at this point. Dying from rabies is a horrible death- would you want to live with the thought that one of them died that way when you have the means to prevent that?

I don’t believe that there is a court that would convict someone of elder abuse for protecting their parents from bats that could possibly be rabid. Take pictures of the infestation to show that there is a real danger here and keep notes of your interactions with your parents and your interventions on their behalf.

I am not a lawyer and not giving legal advice, but I have been in your shoes. I know it’s difficult but someone needs to step up and protect your parents from danger.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to take the advice from the county employee I spoke with even though it’s difficult and the law doesn’t always make sense. I can’t protect people from themselves. I am willing to accept that. But I appreciate your sentiment, PP. I hope at some point she takes me up on my offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to take the advice from the county employee I spoke with even though it’s difficult and the law doesn’t always make sense. I can’t protect people from themselves. I am willing to accept that. But I appreciate your sentiment, PP. I hope at some point she takes me up on my offer.

Did you talk with this county employee in person or simply on the phone? At least consider consulting with an elder care attorney. And keep good records of all your communications about this issue.

The way you’ve described the situation, this isn’t just a maintenance issue. It involves the health and physical safety of your parents.