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Financial support for In-laws
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Anonymous
| You may want to prepare for a job loss now (e.g. selling your current house, moving further out, looking for a new job, etc.) Are your husband's siblings facing a good chance of job loss? If not, then you'll be worse off than they are in 12 months. |
Anonymous
It has nothing to do with being mean. It's being rational. OP's primary responsibility is to her dependent children, not her in-law or even her own parents. If after seeing to her own family's needs there is money left for her in-laws (or parents), then she can give. You should read Michelle Singletary in the Washington Post for some perspective on family and financial matters. |
Anonymous
Charity begins at home. You help your parents if they need help. How much did they sacrifice for her? As a parent, I know we have made many sacrifices so our children can have a better education, go on school trips, summer in Europe, etc. We love them and we want to do these things. It hope it never becomes necessary for any of our chldren to take care of us but we don't know what life will bring. Help your family because they are the one who love you the most and will always be there when needed. |
Anonymous
| New poster here, and I vehemently disagree. I hope that, as a parent, I would fall back on Medicare and eating mystery meat before asking my children to blow up their financial security in order to take care of me. There are other options, including one (moving in with somebody) that the parents have already rejected. When you haven't done a good job of taking care of your finances and need to ask for help, I don't think that means you get to dictate the terms of that help. The OP's situation is far too unstable to take this kind of risk. If the OP just said she didn't want to even though they easily had the money because she felt like they made this bed themselves and now they should stay in it, that would be one thing. But she is not saying that at all. |
Anonymous
You clearly have limited life experience. |
Anonymous
I agree completely. |
Anonymous
Doesn't it become a self-perpetuating cycle if they help their parents which in turn leads them to fail financially and then they end up being the responsibility of their children? Sounds like the welfare cycle to me -- which we've proven is a trap. Charity does begin at home, but charity means lots of different things -- it is not simply about money. |
Anonymous
| OP, I don't really understand why you and your husband are responsible for $50k and the other 3 siblings are splitting the other $50k. And it doesn't sound like your inlaws have explored all their other options. If they have no money (which I guess is true, since you all are fronting their 100k expense) then shouldn't they qualify for a home that takes Medicare? |
Anonymous
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OP here: thanks, again, for all the thoughtful responses. I truly appreciate the input.
Unfortunately, none of my SILs have the means to split the shortfall evenly. The way it was presented to me is that two will kick in roughly 10K, one will do 30K, and we are to cover the rest. The idea being that we each offer what we can based on our respective financial situations (and without incurring financial hardship), and that somehow we will all "make it work." My in-laws have some savings, but there is a shortfall of 100K for the buy-in fee, as well any monthly expenses that would exceed their social security and pension payments. They do not qualify Medicare because they are not destitute. They are planning to sell some family heirlooms to defray moving costs and other incidentals. As for exploring other assisted living options, I suggested that continue looking for cheaper alternatives but that idea was dismissed given my in-laws preference for this one particular facility. The place certainly isn't fancy, but it is expensive - as most of these places just tend to be. I also just learned that we are not to disclose the amount of the shortfall to my in-laws, given the anxiety it would produce on their behalf. It truly would rattle them knowing just how much we will need to supplement their move, but it's just another piece of this whole predicament that is so unsettling to me. I'm not looking for gratitude or thanks, but the lack of transparency here just compounds my sense of the situation spiraling out of my hands. A long conversation yesterday with the main SIL spear-heading the move was not especially productive. We both ended up in tears and there were some angry words exchanged, and I feel very very guilty about making a difficult situation more difficult. DH's family members pride themselves on "being really good at loving each other" and just naturally protect and support one another under any circumstance. A truly admirable trait, but a lot of pressure for those of us outside the immediate fray! Thanks for letting me vent, it helps me think through this process a little more rationally, and again, I so appreciate all your thoughts. |
Anonymous
I agree with this poster. I have several issues. The first is being "informed this week they will need at least 100K". I don't know how the decisions have been made to date, but this would be the first problem. It should have been a joint decision from the beginning with each sibling conferring with their spouse etc. as to what they feel they could afford without putting their own finances at risk. From that available pool of money is what you have to work with for a solution. I don't doubt that my parents love me and gave me lots of opportunities but at no point did they mortgage their own future to send me to a certain school or do XYZ activity. If it came to it and I lost my job and needed a place to live, I'm sure my parents would give me a roof over my head, proof read my resume if I asked, if they knew of a job - would tell me, but they wouldn't be handing over a mortgage payment to support me to live somewhere else much less me dictating the type of help. So same thing, if my parents needed help, I would talk it over with my husband see what sorts of things he thought would help, confer with my siblings to see if maybe we could work something like our parents living with one of us and another sibling could maybe help pay for an aide to come by to help during the day. Or I have heard of cases where all the siblings take turn helping out with parents (assuming you live close by) and they pool resources for an aide. There have also been cases where a sibling moves in with a parent to help out for a year - but obviously you have to work out something so that one person didn't take on everything - maybe you still have someone come by to help out. Sometimes it makes sense to retrofit the house and get help to come in. If assisted living is truly the only solution and and they didn't have any money and didn't qualify for medicare, than I would look into what I could afford. I'm not sure about location but possibly something further out or in a location with a lower cost of living may be doable. If any of the siblings or your husband has an employee assistance program at work, I would use it. I used to think the EAPs were for emotional problems and always wondered if this goes back to the employer but I actually knew someone that used the service to help find a facility for a relative that could no longer live on her own. Now with your husband, I don't know if he isn't mentioning the job situation or health of your son in order to be the Big man on campus with his siblings, but there needs to be some honesty there and working with you to come up with decisions. For your son, I think people mentioned the health care legislation and making sure you keep health care coverage. You have to figure out what you need to prepare for if your husband loses his job. The bottom line with money and family is you have to do what is in your heart - not for any other motive. Assume you will never see the money back, you won't get any special recognition - how many times do you see the favored child get money FROM their parents and the other child actually using his/her money to help pay for things for their siblings or help out the parents. Or sometimes you give money and then hear how "no one every did anything for me" from your son/daughter/sister etc. You have to do it because you want to do it and do what you can afford to do and keep moving. The facts his parents were alcoholics have nothing to do with this other than if it impacts you being able to live with them and offering this as an alternative. You and your husband need to be on the same page as far as your financial future and how you handle money requests from his family. I can't see my husband thinking it is okay to hand over 50K that we couldn't really afford with a sick child and possible job loss AND with him having very little say in it. He would offer for my parents to live with us (he wouldn't have them out on the streets) and find someone to help out while we are at work - at least until our financial picture was better - maybe a year or two. If I went ahead with something like that without him being the one to tell me - here use this 50K (not that he was put in the position of having to be the bad guy at the 11th hour) the situation would be that much worse - out 50K, still job issues, still trying to manage our child's sickness with probably relatives that wouldn't be grateful and looking at divorce. It would really shift the foundation of our marriage if for this major decision we didn't put each other and our kids first. |
Anonymous
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I think you and your husband need to have a discussion about the ways to give to the parents that don't endanger your future. You said they are alcoholics? This will be a beginning and not an end. I wouldn't give a dime without also having the in-laws give up some control so that you are sure the money goes where it should.
If you can afford $50k, then you should support them - but you shouldn't support allowing them to continue the behavior that got them into these straights. Thus, powers of attorney etc. You should expect ongoing expenses regardless of the contract signed. If you are having troubles with the siblings about this conversation, as you suggest, maybe you need an approach that sounds less to them like "balking" and more about "insuring there's money for future needs" or something. I agree with 15:50 about the kind of person you are. However, generous and kindhearted doesn't mean being a rube. Good luck, and good luck dealing with your husband and his siblings. This is very hard for them, I'm sure. |
Anonymous
Just read your response. Your husband needs to handle the conversation with his siblings, not you. It's been a pretty good rule of thumb between DH and I and that we handle the difficult conversations with our own sibling or parent. Nothing good comes of being the bad-guy/gal with an in-law - they will stay mad a lot longer at you than they will your husband and ultimately he has the history and stronger relationship with them. Somewhere there is a disconnect if everyone else has said what they can afford to do while you guys have "the rest". Did your husband offer that they could pay what they felt they could afford and he would pick up the rest? The person coordinating the move is not on the hook for "the rest" yet feels that only this one place will do. The parents aren't to know there is a 100K shortfall yet they picked a place that they clearly don't have the money to afford. Did someone say - hey pick out a place and we will figure out how to get you there? I think I said earlier that your husband needs to man-up with his sisters and say - I'm worried about my job and the current medical bills - I feel comfortable contributing X - that I would still have enough of a cushion if I lost my job next year and we have unexpected medical bills. If he said something different ealier he needs to apologize and say he had a hard time admitting it earlier and move on. Either we have to find someplace that works with what everyone feels comfortable putting in or we need to delay the move until I feel more certain of my job and health care coverage for my son and then I may be in a position to put in more. Then as a united sibling front they need to have an honest conversation with the parents and say - this is what we can afford to do - either you have to come up with another 20-30K or work with us to find a place that works with everyone's budget. Love and support doesn't come in writing bigger checks - and I would hope his siblings would love and support your husband even if he can't kick in 60K and understand he has to see to the financial well-being of his wife and children. So basically either your husband isn't being upfront with his siblings and/or he isn't including you in the decision when he made the offer of what he would contribute , or you do have an extra 50-60K - even with a potential job loss and you just resent the situation. |
Anonymous
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There is no way in hell I would jeaopardize the future of myself or my children to support an in-law or parent. No way. They have other options, up to and including spending down their funds to become eligible for medicaid.
What happens if your husband loses his job? Are your kids' educations fully funded? Will you be able to retire, ever? |
Anonymous
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Just to clarify things:
Medicare doesn't pay for assisted living at all and pays for limited nursing-home care, maybe ninety days. Medicaid might conceivably pay for assisted living, but that would depend on the state, and, as OP pointed out, the parents' assets would have to be exhausted first. OP, in your shoes I'd see if it were a continuing-care community that accepts Medicaid. Nursing-home care is very expensive, and I understand that it's much easier to find a decent one for people who now have some ability to pay but may need Medicaid in the future. Will the parents be able to cover the current monthly expenses from their Social Security and pension payments, or will they need a continuing subsidy? I don't know what you should do, but you should at least understand what you'd be getting. You might want to consult an eldercare attorney. |