Financial support for In-laws

[Anonymous]

I was informed this week that my in-laws will require up to 100K (and probably a little more) to support a move into an assisted-living facility. My husband and I will probably kick in about half, and my husband's other three siblings will do what they can to make up the difference.
We can do this, though we have significant financial insecurity right now (husband's job & health insurance may not be in place within a year, plus a very sick child who would not qualify for health insurance due to a pre-existing condition). I am upset about having to set aside $$ for my in-laws, but feel I have no other recourse.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think I'd need to know why they need the money in order to fully answer the question. Were they particularly careless with their own money, or did they have a series of bad luck? Do you support the decision or need to move them to assisted living? Could the siblings band together and take care of them instead? I wonder why you can't split the money equally if there are 3 other siblings involved?

Sounds like a really difficult situation and I'm sorry to hear about your child's pre-existing health condition and your husband's job.

My understanding is that the new health care law ensures that those with pre-existing conditions can obtain insurance. Also, I thought that even the healthcare law, you could still obtain insurance with a pre-existing condition as long as you don't have a lapse in coverage... therefore is your DH loses his job, make sure you pay COBRA into the healthcare benefits until you can find new coverage. Anyhow, that's something to look into as you make this decision.

I think I would be inclined to help, but might pare down the amount so that you don't wind up in financial straits yourself.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your thoughtful response, PP.

My in-laws are nice people, but they're both lifetime alcoholics who never much paid attention to money (they claim inexperience). They are loving people, but I am struggling with my sense of responsibility / obligation towards them.

Among my husband's siblings, we have the biggest financial cushion, which is why it is assumed that we will cover the largest portion of the expenses. The question of them moving in with family has been raised and promptly dismissed, primary because my in-laws have stated outright that they don't want to live with any of their children.

Given the likelihood we will not have a salary or health benefits in a year's time, I am terrified about our finances right now. This has also created tremendous stress in our marriage, so all in all, not a good situation.

I had heard about the new bill regarding coverage for patients with pre-existing conditions but wasn't sure when they were place. I'll look into COBRA and issues of timing as well... thanks for the helpful advice.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're in this situation; I worry about it for us eventually someday, though we don't have the addiction/medical issues. I'd probably try to approach this differently by you and your DH figuring out how much you can realistically chip in, given your future circumstances and your priority need to provide for your own child. If it's $10k, so be it. You cannot jeopardize your own child's health because of this situation. So start with what you can do, let the other siblings figure out honestly what they can do, and then pow-wow about what options exist for that amount of money. As you well know (and your in-laws need to face) lack of finances constrains choices and so saying that they don't want to live with their children may be an important goal, but might not be an achievable one given the reality of everyone's financial situation. You should not be held hostage to their decision-making and they should not be taking realistic options off the table if they have to depend on others to finance their choices.

So that's what I'd do in your shoes. Don't let yourself be guilted into making a choice that is wrong for your immediate family. You have duties and responsibilities to your own child and you've worked hard to have a cushion to be able to provide for your own needs. It's great that you can do something generous for your family (which I agree is important to do), but don't bankrupt yourself in the process.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your in-laws are moving to a "continuing care" community and this is the buy in. There are places which don't have that upfront cost. I would investigate other options. If your in-laws only want to move into this one community, then I think they should finance it. But it costs about $5000 a month in care at a regular assisted living place (or more). If you don't get any say in where they move or then I don't think I would pay 50,000 with job insecurity. I think you need to look at the whole picture and see what other options are available.

Maybe it is the best option, but you didn't indicate that you thoroughly looked into their needs and the costs so I think maybe you were only given this one option. I would hire a social worker who specializes in elders to get some other input into places and types of care and the amount it would cost. Even if you do find this is the best option, you will know that you have really tried to find the best option given the fact kids have to finance it.

[Anonymous]

I'd research other options. There are places for elderly people who don't have a lot of money. Now they aren't going to be super nice, *but* the inlaws have made bad choices and I'm not sure it is up to you or the other kids to foot the bill.

Personally I'd be pretty hesitant to do this (especially in our current economy) and would feel very resentful.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't do it. Not for my parents, either. There are other options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't do it. Not for my parents, either. There are other options.

I think this PP is pretty mean but that is her choice and her children will see what she does and treat her the same way. If there are four siblings, can the cost be split 4 ways or something other than you and husband having to pay 50%?

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PPs. It is already a relief to articulate some of my concerns here, and your responses have all been extremely helpful and supportive. Discussing this with DH and his sisters has proven to be very difficult, given that I am the only person balking at the expenses, and yes I have been feeling very guilty about not being "on board" with everyone else.

Yes, we are talking about life-time care contract, where all levels of care are guaranteed until death. We have researched many of the options here in DC, as well in the other states where my husband's siblings live - and we do feel this one facility is the most "affordable" in the long run. It is almost certain that my in-laws will require long term memory care as well as assisted living / nursing care.

We are going to sit down with our financial planner next week to crunch some numbers. I think the PP who mentioned figuring out what we can realistically afford is the way to go, and hopefully it will be enough to make it all work.

Honestly, my larger problem will be to reconcile the complicated emotions I know I will harbor towards DH and his family. I come from culture/tradition where you take care of your parents into their old age, and I know in my heart this is the right thing to do, but I am really struggling.

[Anonymous]

So that's what I'd do in your shoes. Don't let yourself be guilted into making a choice that is wrong for your immediate family. You have duties and responsibilities to your own child and you've worked hard to have a cushion to be able to provide for your own needs. It's great that you can do something generous for your family (which I agree is important to do), but don't bankrupt yourself in the process.

I agree with this. We were/are in a similar situation and it's been very difficult for my DH not to do everything he possibly can - even if it meant jeopardizing our own finanicial and familial stability. It started two years ago when my FIL had a significant stroke and within 6 months of the stroke we were in relationship counseling. Three months into the counseling, things were no better and I was ready to separate. It was a very tough time and while we did get through that period, we're still trying to recover.

One of the things that has helped significantly is working with a financial advisor who specializes in middle income, older clients. She was just the kind of person we were looking for right after my FIL's stroke but couldn't. She's not only very experienced with the financial side of it but also knows the home care service providers as well as people to evaluate what modifications can/should be made to a home to make it more accessible. I can't tell you what a relief it's been to work with someone like her. Her name is Amy Oviedo and her number is 571-221-2617. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PPs. It is already a relief to articulate some of my concerns here, and your responses have all been extremely helpful and supportive. Discussing this with DH and his sisters has proven to be very difficult, given that I am the only person balking at the expenses, and yes I have been feeling very guilty about not being "on board" with everyone else.

Yes, we are talking about life-time care contract, where all levels of care are guaranteed until death. We have researched many of the options here in DC, as well in the other states where my husband's siblings live - and we do feel this one facility is the most "affordable" in the long run. It is almost certain that my in-laws will require long term memory care as well as assisted living / nursing care.

We are going to sit down with our financial planner next week to crunch some numbers. I think the PP who mentioned figuring out what we can realistically afford is the way to go, and hopefully it will be enough to make it all work.

Honestly, my larger problem will be to reconcile the complicated emotions I know I will harbor towards DH and his family. I come from culture/tradition where you take care of your parents into their old age, and I know in my heart this is the right thing to do, but I am really struggling.

It is easy for your SIL's -- they are planning on splitting $50K 3 ways, vs. you coughing up $50K. Big difference. HUGE difference.

[Anonymous]

Could your in-laws become Medicaid eligible and go into a Medicaid nursing home? Some Medicaid nursing homes are quite nice (for nursing homes...) or they could potentially get Medicaid pay for home-based services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PPs. It is already a relief to articulate some of my concerns here, and your responses have all been extremely helpful and supportive. Discussing this with DH and his sisters has proven to be very difficult, given that I am the only person balking at the expenses, and yes I have been feeling very guilty about not being "on board" with everyone else.

Yes, we are talking about life-time care contract, where all levels of care are guaranteed until death. We have researched many of the options here in DC, as well in the other states where my husband's siblings live - and we do feel this one facility is the most "affordable" in the long run. It is almost certain that my in-laws will require long term memory care as well as assisted living / nursing care.

We are going to sit down with our financial planner next week to crunch some numbers. I think the PP who mentioned figuring out what we can realistically afford is the way to go, and hopefully it will be enough to make it all work.

Honestly, my larger problem will be to reconcile the complicated emotions I know I will harbor towards DH and his family. I come from culture/tradition where you take care of your parents into their old age, and I know in my heart this is the right thing to do, but I am really struggling.

There are times when you need to let go of inner conflict and do what your heart says is truly right. This is what yours is saying. I think you have a good heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, given your explanation of the reason for their financial circumstances, I have to say they would not get a dime of my money. No way, no how. If I would not miss the money and had $50k to spend, OK.

[Anonymous]

Heartlands in Ellicott City doesn't charge any buy-in or up-front fees at all. Including Alzheimer's and dementia care. Just an all inclusive monthly rental cost.