Am I crazy? Please tell me if I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with some other pp's - it sounds like your wife was projecting her conflicted feelings about her mother following the commendable comment. While I do think it actually is commendable (I've similarly had a hard time with a homophobic FIL not accepting our family) - it's not the sort of thing your wife wants to hear. She's probably just trying to turn a page and try to get back on a good path with her mother and doesn't want to dwell on the bad things she's done in the past.

+1 You’re not crazy, OP, but also your wife is going through some stuff with her family and is consequently more sensitive. You can reserve judgment about your MIL — don’t badmouth her to your wife but you don’t have to like her inside the privacy of your own head — and see how this visit goes. If she can overcome her prejudices and have a good relationship with her grandchildren that would be best for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Facts:
1. My wife is Asian and her mother refused to come to our wedding because she is anti-gay. She goes to alllll weddings, including, for example, a friend’s grandchild’s wedding in Seoul. Months after refusing to come to our wedding, she asked my wife if she could come stay with us in DC so she could take the train to a distant cousin’s NYC wedding.
2. After my brutal 4-year infertility slog, her mother was obviously unhappy to learn that I was finally pregnant and was completely unsupportive to my wife and me. She travels nonstop, but did not come meet our first child until he was 2 years old.
3. About a year ago, her mother had a major health event that left her almost bedridden. Suddenly, now that she has nothing else to do, she calls and is interested in my wife and our children. She continually asked my wife to bring our kids (now 2 and 4) to visit her (which requires 25+ hours of travel each way).
4. My wife knows I do not like her mother. Not because I have ever said so, but because she just knows. But I came on the trip. I didn’t complain. I was pleasant. I worked to facilitate my children’s interaction with her mother.

I told my wife that a friend commented that bringing my children “literally half way around the world,” under these circumstances was, “commendable,” and that I explained that I was important to me to support my wife. When I told my wife this, she got so angry and absolutely does not comprehend why it’s “commendable.” She told me she doesn’t need that and that I shouldn’t have anything to do with her mother ever again. She also said that I “judged” her mother for her refusal to come to our wedding and being displeased/unsupportive/absent re: the birth of our child, which blew my mind.

If this woman were anyone but my wife’s mother, I would have verbally chewed her up and spit her out and would certainly not have her in my life in ANY capacity. But unfortunately she IS my spouse’s mother, so here I am taking my young kids to Asia and trying to get my kids to play with her. And my wife is furious with me for telling her the commendable comment and then, when she asked why my coming on the Asia trip was commendable, my having the audacity to remind her that her mom skipped our wedding and wasn’t happy about the birth of our child/children.

How would you have handled the mother in law in my situation? What would your reaction to my wife be if you were me?

Trying to make sense of things….

Try to understand that the MIL did not grow up in America and the culture she grew up in is vastly different. While it may be incomprehensible to you that she does not immediately condone a same sex relationship, you were raised in a completely different place with different mores. Just saying to put yourself in her shoes/culture.

I wouldn't give her such an easy pass just because it's a different culture. Would you give a similar pass to a MIL raised in the American south who was racist against a POC DIL?

[Anonymous]

I think it was extremely unwise to share the commendable comment. And, why is it commendable that you support your wife? Is it only expected and the right thing to do under certain circumstances? I can’t think of a single reason it is commendable that you are supporting because she hasn’t done anything to deserve a lack of support from you.

I’m way older than you and lived through the years when everyone was in the closet. So I know what it’s like to be treated badly by in laws and others and for much longer periods of time. But I’d never make my support for my wife conditional on the behavior of my MIL or think that it’s special in some way to be supportive when my wife has nothing to do with her mother’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to pull way back and let your wife navigate her relationship with her mother as she sees fit. Ask her what she needs from you and consider whether you can do it. Set your own boundaries as you see fit. It was good to make the trip, but in the long haul, your wife may prefer to go alone rather than have you there (perhaps oozing displeasure and martyrdom).

[Anonymous]

Why would you share that comment with your wife? What were you hoping to gain?

[Anonymous]

Are you Asian?

I wouldn't give her such an easy pass just because it's a different culture. Would you give a similar pass to a MIL raised in the American south who was racist against a POC DIL?

NP. I wonder about OP's background as well, but I don't think she is Asian. I don't think comparing this situation to a racist American southerner is an equal comparison though. Unfortunately, "saving face" and filial piety are major concepts in Asian cultures, and I think they are playing a role in the wife's decision making/reaction to OP.

If I were in the wife's shoes, I would probably be irked by the "commendable" comment as well. As an Asian, I would probably know deep down that I haven't been following these concepts which have been very disappointing to my mother. I don't have a great relationship with my mom, but I respect her a lot. So I would feel whatever I'm doing to salvage the relationship is the bare minimum to make these amends. If my partner thought she was going above and beyond, that would bother me. However, I'm not OP's wife, so who knows what her thoughts are behind it all.

[Anonymous]

You will get divorced. I’d never write this about my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that all mothers and daughters have complicated relationships and Asian M + D dynamics adds yet another layer of complexity on top. Plus there are American v Homeland type dynamics. (Have we not all watched the Joy Luck Club, or Kdramas?) So overall I’d say your wife is conflicted and you should drop the subject and continue to support her by remaining neutral.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your wife didn’t like it that you were bad-mouthing her mother to outsiders.