How did your parents death change your life or world view?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there is really something wrong with me. My father was a great person. He grew up in poverty, worked incredibly hard, and gave me and my sisters and my mom a really nice life. He loved and cared about us. He died the day before Christmas in 2021 at the age of 89 and it was a huge relief, as he had been in very bad shape for 18 months. Two of my three sisters had also died in the years leading up to that. I continue to feel a lot of pain from losing my sisters at pretty young ages (42 and 53), even years later. But losing my father did not change my life--other than now I have to deal with my mother and my one remaining sister, whom I love but is a huge pain in the butt, all by myself. I just accept death, especially of parents and especially when they're old, as a natural part of life. I miss him, but I just never understand people who act like it's tragic and like it should rock my world. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. When someone lives a good, long life and declines and suffers in their later years, much if not all of the mourning can happen while they are still alive. In real ways you had already lost your father-- especially if you had traded places and were in a caregiving role.

My MIL died recently at age 95, after several years of decline and debility. Overseeing her care was a big responsibility and took an enormous amount of time, and it was so hard to see her so helpless and in pain. I think DH mostly feels relief at her passing (although I think a part of him thought she'd live forever-- she had rallied thru so many bad situations).

Don't be hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I started to realize how much of what I do and the way I live my life was just a futile attempt to please him. It's made me question a lot of things. We weren't close, but I did feel sad. But mostly, I just felt a little bit more free from some things.

[Anonymous]

My dad died at 73 of cancer and the actual death was a relief from all the pain he’d been through trying to fight it. My feelings about it are incredibly complicated because although we were very close, I loved him immensely and he was my biggest cheerleader, he also made some very selfish decisions that left a gigantic mess for my mom (and by extension myself) to have to clean up. He abandoned all responsibilities in the last few years so it was up to my elderly mom to basically wrap up his life to make hers less complicated. Things like renovating and selling rental properties and taking care of other things that he really should have helped with, especially knowing there was an expiration date. It has caused some complicated feelings of resentment that I still haven’t been able to work through.

My mom is slowly working her way through the stages of dementia which is the slowest dying process ever. I will be incredibly relieved for her when her time is over. I feel awful for her every day, this was absolutely her worst nightmare and it’s her life now until it isn’t. I will probably be a hot stinking mess for a long time though, it’s been a very rough road and I love her so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died. I am reeling. Everything feels different.

How did this impact your life?

Same. My Father died 1 1/2 years ago and I still can hardly believe he is really gone. I was really close to my dad and honestly most of the things I really cared about are practically meaningless now.

[Anonymous]

NP-- My dad died a few months ago as well, unexpectedly. I'm stuck in how isolating grief is, and how angry I am that my top tier friends (not to mention acquaintances) completely failed to acknowledge the loss outside of 1-2 people. I guess its true that you don't get it until you go through it.

[Anonymous]

My mother died suddenly a year and a half ago. We weren't close, though we both wanted to be. I had talked to her earlier in that day. We were a family of four and our kitchen table growing up had four legs. When my mother died, I felt like one of the legs of the table got kicked out, and we've had to figure out how to balance now as a table with three legs.

My day to day life hasn't changed at all. I used to talk to her about every two weeks. She was the only person I talked about gymnastics with though, and I miss having someone to do that with. My world view hasn't changed at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there is really something wrong with me. My father was a great person. He grew up in poverty, worked incredibly hard, and gave me and my sisters and my mom a really nice life. He loved and cared about us. He died the day before Christmas in 2021 at the age of 89 and it was a huge relief, as he had been in very bad shape for 18 months. Two of my three sisters had also died in the years leading up to that. I continue to feel a lot of pain from losing my sisters at pretty young ages (42 and 53), even years later. But losing my father did not change my life--other than now I have to deal with my mother and my one remaining sister, whom I love but is a huge pain in the butt, all by myself. I just accept death, especially of parents and especially when they're old, as a natural part of life. I miss him, but I just never understand people who act like it's tragic and like it should rock my world. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

Same here. Besides seeing it as the natural order of things there was also tremendous relief as each parent had suffered a long and ugly decline which caused fighting between me and my siblings over caregiving duties. I am sad that they are gone but they had become people I did not recognize.

[Anonymous]

I lost my dad at age 4. I don't really remember him, but did always wonder what it would have been like to grow up with a dad. I do have an older brother. Would sports have been on more? Would I care more about watching them? Silly question to wonder about I guess.

I lost my mom at age 27. Years later now that I have kids, I wish I could have had someone to talk to about watching my kids develop, etc.

At this point the biggest issue for me is that I have in laws who visit frequently, and who we visit, and who the kids are close to. On my side of the family, I just have my siblings and they are all busy with their own lives. It's more awkward to travel and stay with them for holidays. We do, but not as frequently, they don't travel to see us much at all, and are also farther away.

Basically feel like my life is dominated by my in laws, who are great and supportive, but there's also nothing like the "at home" family of being with people you grew up with and knew you when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there is really something wrong with me. My father was a great person. He grew up in poverty, worked incredibly hard, and gave me and my sisters and my mom a really nice life. He loved and cared about us. He died the day before Christmas in 2021 at the age of 89 and it was a huge relief, as he had been in very bad shape for 18 months. Two of my three sisters had also died in the years leading up to that. I continue to feel a lot of pain from losing my sisters at pretty young ages (42 and 53), even years later. But losing my father did not change my life--other than now I have to deal with my mother and my one remaining sister, whom I love but is a huge pain in the butt, all by myself. I just accept death, especially of parents and especially when they're old, as a natural part of life. I miss him, but I just never understand people who act like it's tragic and like it should rock my world. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

Same here. Besides seeing it as the natural order of things there was also tremendous relief as each parent had suffered a long and ugly decline which caused fighting between me and my siblings over caregiving duties. I am sad that they are gone but they had become people I did not recognize.

DP to add, I also lost a sister besides my parents and my sister's death was the most traumatic for me, even today. We were close, she had two young kids, and it just wasn't right nor fair.

[Anonymous]

It didn't change it all.

But a hs friend of DH's passed this weekend and that has bothered me quite a bit -- my mind is full of nostalgia and how the world we knew as younger people is gone. Truly gone. I don't necessarily want it back, lol, but there is a very weird, almost disassociative quality to things right now. Like I can't grab ahold of things. Like the world is suddenly a lot more ephemeral than I thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I think there is really something wrong with me. My father was a great person. He grew up in poverty, worked incredibly hard, and gave me and my sisters and my mom a really nice life. He loved and cared about us. He died the day before Christmas in 2021 at the age of 89 and it was a huge relief, as he had been in very bad shape for 18 months. Two of my three sisters had also died in the years leading up to that. I continue to feel a lot of pain from losing my sisters at pretty young ages (42 and 53), even years later. But losing my father did not change my life--other than now I have to deal with my mother and my one remaining sister, whom I love but is a huge pain in the butt, all by myself. I just accept death, especially of parents and especially when they're old, as a natural part of life. I miss him, but I just never understand people who act like it's tragic and like it should rock my world. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

I'm more like you.

[Anonymous]

My parents passed away in their early 90’s and I was definitely saddened as I loved them very much but it didn’t change my life or my world view. It does reinforce that quality time spent with our children and grandchildren is time well spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father died. I am reeling. Everything feels different.

How did this impact your life?

This will be me I a matter of months or years as my 80 yo father fights heart disease.

He was a special man- friend to many, a rock, a confidence builder, knew everything, patient, a teacher, an athlete, a coach, a great father, a listener, a great husband. Put family first always, while running his own company. Stuck up for what was right. Well educated and read, but super humble. Has taken in the father role to my childhood friends as they have lost theirs.

Always wanted his children to better than how he and Mom did.

Selfless.

Losing someone like that in your life is so difficult. Yet so much to celebrate. And many will celebrate and many will know the size of the loss.

I have already written the eulogy. I know I won’t be able to once it happens. I’ll be too busy trying to be him.

[Anonymous]

And I my spouse is not like him. Some shared values but Unf I married a work addict.

[Anonymous]

I lose my most trustworthy sounding board for any topic.

Sigh.