Constant negative feedback from school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, hearing negative stuff about your child is always going to impact you. And it’s not hearing the stuff that is impacting your relationship with your child, it’s the behaviors. Stop blaming the school and focus on what you are doing to figure out the issues. My relationship with my DD improved dramatically when she was better able to manage her emotions (medication and therapy - also took a couple of years). It’s a marathon.

A couple of things - my DD also has some flags raised early on and I ignored them, thinking she might still outgrow the behaviors. DD also at an independent school and things escalated quickly in K (hyperactive and social/verbal aggression, also low frustration tolerance). Guidance counselor involved almost daily, DD disrupting the class. I almost never got phone calls, but school knew we were on it and we ended up medicating after 9 months of therapy alone not working. DD has ADHD (and also learning disorder, which probably didn’t help with attention).

So things probably are pretty bad if an independent school is calling - I only have gotten like 2 phone calls from the school and DD has been pretty poorly behaved over 3 years (thing are finally better this year!). At my kids independent school, they really try to work with you, but the burden is on the parents to do outside therapies. But the school gives a lot of grace to kids who are already there - I have seen some pretty appalling behavior (including from my own child) and the school does their best to handle it. They do draw a hard line when a child gets physical with another child.

You either aren’t communicating with the school what you are doing to try to solve the problem, or the school thinks you aren’t doing enough. If you think you are doing enough, then you should take their calling all the time as a sign this school is not the right fit for your child. I know three families who have left our school when the parents’ realized their kids behavior was not a good fit for the school - in Teo cases it was untreated ADHD and in one the child was on the spectrum.

I disagree with the notion that the problem is being caused solely by the child. In my painful experience, poor communication by the school that gives the sense that the parent is to blame or that the school is unable to cope can be extremely distressing and significantly undermine the parent’s ability to work with the child and the school.

But I agree that nonstop negative communication from the school at some point should be taken at face value as indicating that the school cannot/will not cope with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

Oh, they are trying to get rid of her. Switch her to a daycare with a 4s program. Best decision we ever made. Then work on the IEP/public.

Yes. Sorry but this is what is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At my kids independent school, they really try to work with you, but the burden is on the parents to do outside therapies. But the school gives a lot of grace to kids who are already there - I have seen some pretty appalling behavior (including from my own child) and the school does their best to handle it. They do draw a hard line when a child gets physical with another child.

You either aren’t communicating with the school what you are doing to try to solve the problem, or the school thinks you aren’t doing enough. If you think you are doing enough, then you should take their calling all the time as a sign this school is not the right fit for your child.

Yes to everything above. The school is trying to communicate a boundary. They are telling you that the current situation is not tenable in the long term. They keep communicating because they are trying to move you toward some sort of action.

A lot of parents don’t “get it” during initial conversations. Others see a problem but are in the pre-contemplation stage of making a change. If you don’t currently have ideas for strategies that work at home that can also be applied at school, it’s time that you contact outside service providers. This can mean counseling for your child, parenting classes for you, remediating any academic issues that are leading to acting out from frustration/embarrassment, considering a change of school settings, or even considering medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with negative feedback, one after another, with the school? They are trying to help him but I dread pick up now because I know I will hear about another tough day and then immediately need to dive back into work when we get home. We are in the throws of trying to figure out what's wrong, but how do you not mentally break down when you're getting emails/calls from teachers/learning specialists at unexpected times? Sorry about the unhinged post.

When this happened to us we switched to an inclusive daycare that has a preschool program, and also got early intervention services established. It made a huge difference. It was clear the old place was not equipped to deal with our child’s issues.

[Anonymous]

I had to quit my job in a similar situation. I just could not handle the stress of this and of my job.

There’s been significant financial consequences but it is much easier to handle the stress of DS now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. In K, my DC's teacher would constantly call, email or tell me or the babysitter things at pick up, and I started really taking it out on my child and having a hard time at work. After months, I finally arranged an educational consultant to see what was going on in the classroom as I was considering options of what to do the following year. Turns out the teacher was really being awful to my child - she was literally picking on DC and causing a lot of the issues! This was what the observer noted - and this was with the teacher knowing she was being observed! No telling how awful she was when not observed. Anyway, while my DC was not perfect, the teacher was totally causing a lot of this. DC never had another year like that although some years were better than others - and DC was eventually diagnosed with mild ADHD but is doing fine on no meds. Sometimes it's a bad teacher/student fit! Teachers can be part of the problem, and the stress she caused DC was making them act out at home. I was then making it worse by siding with the teacher and punishing DC as teacher insisted I needed to address it at home too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was very honest with my DS's teacher about how it was affecting me and how it's hard to hear that day after day. So I also started hearing about the small wins etc. I think it helped both of our perspectives.

Very good idea!

PP. Based on some of the other comments, I would add that my DS had already had an IEP put in place and we were very transparent about what we were doing to support/remediate the situation. I wasn't experiencing the issue because I was trying to be pushed out or thought to be in denial that something was up. I'm not sure my approach would work in those situations.

[Anonymous]

What are the types of problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can totally relate to what you are going through. In K, my DC's teacher would constantly call, email or tell me or the babysitter things at pick up, and I started really taking it out on my child and having a hard time at work. After months, I finally arranged an educational consultant to see what was going on in the classroom as I was considering options of what to do the following year. Turns out the teacher was really being awful to my child - she was literally picking on DC and causing a lot of the issues! This was what the observer noted - and this was with the teacher knowing she was being observed! No telling how awful she was when not observed. Anyway, while my DC was not perfect, the teacher was totally causing a lot of this. DC never had another year like that although some years were better than others - and DC was eventually diagnosed with mild ADHD but is doing fine on no meds. Sometimes it's a bad teacher/student fit! Teachers can be part of the problem, and the stress she caused DC was making them act out at home. I was then making it worse by siding with the teacher and punishing DC as teacher insisted I needed to address it at home too.

100%. Sometimes the calls home do mean your child needs to be evaluated, but even if they have ASD or ADHD, that doesn’t mean they won’t have teachers that make it MUCH worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

op - I have been there with the exact same situation but a boy. Mine is now 10 and still at the same school and i have actually become a default parent for helping other parents through this and help them understand what is actually going on.

1. the school is setting the stage for either asking you for a neuropsych or counseling your dd out. if you have got this far in the year then the likely are not counseling out. Have YOU suggested a neurospych? if you do, they will likely be relieved. If you don't, they will suggest before summer.

2. what they expect to come out of the neurospych is probably a combination of adhd and/ or asd, with adhd being the predominant concern they have. Make no mistake, they want you to be open to giving your child medication within the next couple years and if you aren't, they dont want you to stay. everything else is gravy.

3. you have a great kid. once you start to be super proactive about neurospych and medication, likely they will work with you to make it all better and the calls will stop. and they should remind you all the time that your kid is great and then their job will be to take your great kid that needs some extra help and, themselves, go the extra mile. that's the tradeoff.

GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

Can I just give you a huge hug? Bc mine started in pre k too - three years into pre school and never had a phone call home. Elementary school has been hard - we had to move schools - early middle school is better and only two phone calls this year! I had to go to therapy honestly.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to put some structure to it, so that you get a little weekly report but mid-week you are only contacted if there is something more urgent, like a physical altercation or trip to the principal's office? We did something similar during a period where my son was being disruptive in class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

Oh, they are trying to get rid of her. Switch her to a daycare with a 4s program. Best decision we ever made. Then work on the IEP/public.

I am the PP who asked about above and your answer is similar to my daughter's profile. She was disregulated, hyperactive. We got near constant feedback from school (private). It was our oldest kid so we didn't know anything else at the time of how a kid was "supposed" to act. Claire Lerner was a help to us and is great for kids this age. Also we finally got a recommendation to pursue OT, which got us on a solid footing. Eventually we found our way to an ADHD diagnosis via a neuropsych (which picked up a expressive speech delay as well).

Years later, at the same school, things are going great. But wow was it a process. And I still have some PTSD from it all. I think if you could communicate to your school that "you're on it - whatever 'IT' is" and maybe sort through what the point of the daily feedback is? If they know you are working toward something to help maybe u can have a weekly check in instead? Maybe it's wishful thinking. But honestly, in general PK4 is a huge year of reporting to parents what Larlo/Larla did that day that they shouldn't have done regardless.

In huge huge solidarity. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

Oh, they are trying to get rid of her. Switch her to a daycare with a 4s program. Best decision we ever made. Then work on the IEP/public.

I am the PP who asked about above and your answer is similar to my daughter's profile. She was disregulated, hyperactive. We got near constant feedback from school (private). It was our oldest kid so we didn't know anything else at the time of how a kid was "supposed" to act. Claire Lerner was a help to us and is great for kids this age. Also we finally got a recommendation to pursue OT, which got us on a solid footing. Eventually we found our way to an ADHD diagnosis via a neuropsych (which picked up a expressive speech delay as well).

Years later, at the same school, things are going great. But wow was it a process. And I still have some PTSD from it all. I think if you could communicate to your school that "you're on it - whatever 'IT' is" and maybe sort through what the point of the daily feedback is? If they know you are working toward something to help maybe u can have a weekly check in instead? Maybe it's wishful thinking. But honestly, in general PK4 is a huge year of reporting to parents what Larlo/Larla did that day that they shouldn't have done regardless.

In huge huge solidarity. Sending hugs.

I’m another PP with a hyperactive daughter who was in trouble all day every day in pre-k. It was definitely mildly traumatic for all of us. In our case I definitely believe that my DD behavior was not bad enough to be counseled out per their rules but they wanted her gone and figured they could achieve that through making her and us miserable. We did everything they asked as fast as possible (private paying for providers and assessments and taking a leave of absence from my job to deal with stuff) and it wasn’t good enough. They were so frustrated that we didn’t have an evaluation and a solution in hand within a week - which was obviously never going to happen) - so they heavily implied she was significantly impaired and would never be successful in a traditional setting and told me over and over that I wasn’t meeting her needs because she was still “misbehaving” (e.g. being hyperactive).

We can’t tell without being there if that’s what is happening to you but please be on the lookout. My biggest parenting regret BY FAR is leaving my DD in that environment as long as we did. It really did a number on her self esteem and general anxiety.

That same child is now doing well in public with private therapy and a 504. I have always said we will never go back to private because I can’t go through that again but maybe I will feel differently by the time high school rolls around.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting this, OP. I'm a teacher with three students at various places on the spectrum of challenging. One has really come along, one probably needs a special ed placement in a therapeutic school and the third has obvious adhd. This third little guy, his parents are trying so hard and quite honestly, so is he. He just can't control himself. Parents have an eval in a few weeks, and are doing OT for him. We often have to call because he gets into physical altercations. But I appreciate your post because I really like to contact parents with positive news, and it is a reminder to make sure this family (and all of them really) get more of that. I sent off a positive email a day or two ago after reading your initial post. I hope you get to hear some positive, too.