Constant negative feedback from school

[Anonymous]

How do you all deal with negative feedback, one after another, with the school? They are trying to help him but I dread pick up now because I know I will hear about another tough day and then immediately need to dive back into work when we get home. We are in the throws of trying to figure out what's wrong, but how do you not mentally break down when you're getting emails/calls from teachers/learning specialists at unexpected times? Sorry about the unhinged post.

[Anonymous]

What is going on that they feel the need to constantly phone you?

I would stop answering their calls live. You can listen to the voicemail-- if it's really urgent they'll say so or call you again. Then you can decide whether to respond immediately or whether it can wait.

[Anonymous]

They don't call constantly, but they will occasionally call unexpectedly when I'm busy at work, then we have a PTC, then I interact with the teacher at pick up, then the therapist is giving feedback, it just seems like A LOT. I appreciate a lot of communication and I don't want them to hdie things, but how do you mentally cope with the negative feedback? It's beginning to affect my relationship with my child.

[Anonymous]

I’d put a literal sign up that says “He’s doing the best he can,” at your desk. Try to literally set boundaries with yourself about when you are going to turn off the thoughts about his challenges and just be a parent. It’s very hard. You might try a parent support group. You can also ask his case manager to have everyone at school report to her, and then you plan a time to talk each week, barring any emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

[Anonymous]

I was very honest with my DS's teacher about how it was affecting me and how it's hard to hear that day after day. So I also started hearing about the small wins etc. I think it helped both of our perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

[Anonymous]

Can you ask that all communication about struggles be in a certain format? Like only in emails and then you don’t read them u til once a day? Or ask for some compliments too?

It is demoralizing to hear constant negative things, and I really think it starts to color the teacher’s opinion too- they start looking for bad things to confirm their opinion.

[Anonymous]

They over inform in pre-K. I always dreaded pick up.

[Anonymous]

The small wins but is so important for everyone to reframe and reinforce positively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

PreK? I would find another childcare situation.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? I got angry and yelled at them. I told them to stop calling unless it was to tell me about how they had followed the IEP/BIP. After a few rounds of this they stopped calling and started calling DH instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Age? Type of school? Type of issues?

I've been there - just trying to get a sense if my experience is relevant.

PreK girl in a private school, issues with hyperactive active behavior that has just recently become disruptive, also some social emotional concerns

Oh, they are trying to get rid of her. Switch her to a daycare with a 4s program. Best decision we ever made. Then work on the IEP/public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was very honest with my DS's teacher about how it was affecting me and how it's hard to hear that day after day. So I also started hearing about the small wins etc. I think it helped both of our perspectives.

Very good idea!

[Anonymous]

Op, hearing negative stuff about your child is always going to impact you. And it’s not hearing the stuff that is impacting your relationship with your child, it’s the behaviors. Stop blaming the school and focus on what you are doing to figure out the issues. My relationship with my DD improved dramatically when she was better able to manage her emotions (medication and therapy - also took a couple of years). It’s a marathon.

A couple of things - my DD also has some flags raised early on and I ignored them, thinking she might still outgrow the behaviors. DD also at an independent school and things escalated quickly in K (hyperactive and social/verbal aggression, also low frustration tolerance). Guidance counselor involved almost daily, DD disrupting the class. I almost never got phone calls, but school knew we were on it and we ended up medicating after 9 months of therapy alone not working. DD has ADHD (and also learning disorder, which probably didn’t help with attention).

So things probably are pretty bad if an independent school is calling - I only have gotten like 2 phone calls from the school and DD has been pretty poorly behaved over 3 years (thing are finally better this year!). At my kids independent school, they really try to work with you, but the burden is on the parents to do outside therapies. But the school gives a lot of grace to kids who are already there - I have seen some pretty appalling behavior (including from my own child) and the school does their best to handle it. They do draw a hard line when a child gets physical with another child.

You either aren’t communicating with the school what you are doing to try to solve the problem, or the school thinks you aren’t doing enough. If you think you are doing enough, then you should take their calling all the time as a sign this school is not the right fit for your child. I know three families who have left our school when the parents’ realized their kids behavior was not a good fit for the school - in Teo cases it was untreated ADHD and in one the child was on the spectrum.