Are you "in love" with your partner or do you just love him/her? Holding out for "true love"

[Anonymous]

Crazy in love with DH through 4 years of dating and first 4 years of marriage. Then DH's laziness and selfishness destroyed my respect for him.

[Anonymous]

Crazy in love when we met at 23 - couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. He would do crazy things like bike over to my apartment in the middle of the night because he couldn't be without me. But things evolve and calm down, and 11 years later, I love him and he is my best friend but obviously that kind of infatuation has to fade, it's just not sustainable. We wouldn't be able to work or raise our child!

I do think meeting someone in your late 30s/40s would be different - you can still be over the moon but maybe more realistic. And you just have different responsibilities.

I think that is why I've recently really gotten into the Twilight movies much to my shock and annoyance - it takes you back to that young love intensity - so over the top in that it is not even human (he's a vampire and has made his life about protecting her) and she is 17 and just caught up in it. That part of my life is over but I can remember that feeling of seeing the boy you like in the hall, and just the sight of him would make you crazy and make your heart sink into your stomach!

Now it's nice to have someone who I'm still attracted to and who makes me laugh, and who is the first person I want to tell when something good or bad happens. We don't have sex nearly as often and we definitely bicker, especially since having a child, but that's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, It does not matter. Even if you start off in love you won't be any more given time. If you are foolish enough to have wasted your most marketable years "holding out for that elusive thing" it seems unlikely that you will be one of the lucky few. At this point in your life you should have clear attainable goals for any relationship because, let's face it, you are only going to get sloppy seconds. Marriage now will probably decrease your happiness more than it would have ten years ago because you are even less flexible. If I were you I would not marry a man who did not have a lot of money to offset the huge risk of marital failure.

OP, I think you can ignore the simmer pot of anger and bitterness that is the PP. Based in particular on the last line, I'd say this is the last person you want to take relationship advice from. Choosing a mate with substantial assets to offset the risk of failure = near guarantee of failure.

This is why so many women are devastated about marriage. We bolster each other's sagging egos with Polyanna-ish visions rather than tell each other like it is. I have no doubt that OP is an interesting and accomplished woman but I am not her target audience -- an unmarried man. Their standards, politically incorrect as it is to say so, are different. Most of the good men are taken by now. Not all, but most. That is the bitter reality. The compromises of marriage do not get easier the older a person gets, another bitter reality we all know too well. And yet we will let OP continue to delude herself. Sigh...

[Anonymous]

There was a man I dated who I was crazy in love with who would not have made a good life partner if we had married. There was too much passion and thrill related to the context of the relationship and it could only have faded as the realities of life set in. Fastforward to when I met DH, there was an immediate connection and understanding that felt a lot more stable for its dearth of boiling passion, but was no less wonderful. It was sane and comfortable and fitting and right. We got married quickly and I thank God every day that I dodged the bullet with previous relationships that were on the marriage route. Having a best friend/teammate/partner/other half is a feeling that consistently wins out over the passionate side of love because you get to feel it every single day.

[Anonymous]

Fellow singleton here. I've definitely been in love, for the right reasons. Didn't work out because of timing/circumstance. We were young-ish. I was ready for marriage. He wasn't, and I didn't want to wait around for possibly years. Probably should have waited.

I suspect that some people in my circle are in nice relationships that may have involved a little settling, but they seem happy. I suspect that some in my circle are crazy-in-love with their spouses. I suspect some are somewhere in the middle.

I've worried at times that I'm too picky and that's why I haven't found "the one." But I don't think I am. I look back at my romantic history and don't think I've looked for anything unreasonable. I've given people a chance who didn't immediately wow me. Some were worth the second look, some weren't. I have a high IQ and a pretty quick wit so I need someone who's smarter than the average guy and at least somewhat funny, or I probably wouldn't stay interested. I would like to be attracted to my spouse, so there has to be some physical chemistry. I take care of myself physically by working out and eating pretty well; ideally he would do the same. I would like for him to hold a job and would prefer for him to have a college degree. (Most of my circle does; I have a Masters.) He doesn't have to make a ton of money or be super hot or super tall or even have much hair. I'm not looking for a doctor, a rocket scientist or a male model here. Just a guy with some brains and personality who I might enjoy seeing naked.

I don't think a person is being "too picky" when they're bringing things to the table and want someone who brings similar things to the table. I do think sometimes we have dealbreakers that maybe we need to abandon. When girlfriends of mine are perpetually single and unhappy, I try to help them find areas where they might have to give a little. (Dealbreakers that should maybe be abandoned: not dating divorced guys or guys with kids, refusing to date bald or balding guys, refusing to date a guy who is only a few inches taller than yourself, not being willing to date a guy who makes $100K when you make $150K, refusing to date guys who live in MD when you live in VA, stuff like that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you "crazy" about your partner at first or was he/she just the right person at the right time? (And I don't mean crazy love in your teens or early 20s before the reality of life has set in) I am a single female in her 40's and I am beginning to wonder if I should keep holding out for this mysterious love thing that makes you giddy and is still practical at the same time. It just seems like its extremely elusive thing that most people never find. Have you found it? If not, do you feel you settled or still wonder if there is more out there? I just don't see that many people who seem crazy in love these days, but do you hold out for the chance that you wi9ll be in the 10% of the population that does?

This describes my relationship with DH perfectly!! Very much true love!

We met in our early/mid-30s, and although we're both very rational/analytic types by nature, we were shockingly giddy and intensely into each other within a few dates. It was that elusive combination of "good on paper" (perfect match re interests, temperment, values, education, religion, family, economic/professional success etc.) and a flat out insatiable desire for each other's company.

Six years later, it's still all there. The "good on paper" stuff makes the day-to-day so incredibly easy and the "insatiable desire" part makes life fun (and gets us through the inevitable rough patches.) He has his quirks and I have mine, but there's no one else I'd rather be with.

It never occurred to either of us to settle, by the way. Both had said that we'd rather wait to find the right person -- even if it meant waiting until we were much older. I'm sure I would have gotten edgy and nervous as I moved into my 40s. But I really think it's worth the wait!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was crazy in love with him when we first got together. 20 years later, I just love him.

That's normal. There is a real biological reason for this...there is no way physiologically possible to keep up the crazy intenseness of the first months..or year or so of a brand new hot relationship. Oxytocin is responsible. The lust/intensity will grow into more deep-seated affection w/out making you do absolutely crazy things. If all of us kept up that level of 'love'---we'd never get any work done.

My DH and I were insanely attracted to each other from the moment we met...he was only 24 and had swore prior to meeting me he would never get married until 35. Within a week he told me he could see hiimself married to me. I was a jaded 26 year old uttering 'i love you' within a month. Everything went out the window--couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We were together constantly or I was on a plane jetting off to meet him somewhere. We married 2 years after that first date.

14-years later...def. don't have that intensity. With 2 young kids--practicality has set in. There are sparks now and again--but it is easy to get lost in the day-to-day. I can't imagine ever finding anyone I like better. It's different, but still good. The life you built together, the respect, the kids, the trust....that amounts to a lot. This is somebody I will grow old with- happily.

[Anonymous]

"Even if you start off in love you won't be any more given time. If you are foolish enough to have wasted your most marketable years "holding out for that elusive thing"

yes and

"there is no way physiologically possible to keep up the crazy intenseness of the first months..or year or so of a brand new hot relationship."

yes