Are you "in love" with your partner or do you just love him/her? Holding out for "true love"

[Anonymous]

Were you "crazy" about your partner at first or was he/she just the right person at the right time? (And I don't mean crazy love in your teens or early 20s before the reality of life has set in) I am a single female in her 40's and I am beginning to wonder if I should keep holding out for this mysterious love thing that makes you giddy and is still practical at the same time. It just seems like its extremely elusive thing that most people never find. Have you found it? If not, do you feel you settled or still wonder if there is more out there? I just don't see that many people who seem crazy in love these days, but do you hold out for the chance that you wi9ll be in the 10% of the population that does?

[Anonymous]

Love and am in love. We were crazy about each other immediately - so much so that it freaked us out and we briefly broke up (for about a week). Got back together and were engaged 2-3 weeks later. I just cant imagine a minute of my life without him. We're 31 and been together 6 years, married 5.

[Anonymous]

Both

I am madly in love with my partner but I don't feel it strongly ALL the time. I always feel like I love him and I love the phases where I feel madly in love with him. But if you're in it for the long haul you need to be able to be content with the "loving him" times and not expect everything to be the "madly in love with him" times.

Honestly I find that the mellow times are really nice. There's comfort in routine, in just being together, in enjoying the little moments of life together.

But then, I am a person who does not thrive on conflict (for a lot of people passion = conflict), I'm a bit of a homebody...

I held out for the right person but not for perfection/ You'll never find perfection. But I think it's fine to hold out for someone with whom you are uniquely suited...

[Anonymous]

I have it and feel incredibly lucky. Love and am in love. We've been together since college. We've been through a lot together and sort of grew up together. I love him more than I did when I first met him and got married. We got married when we were 27, and I am 32 now.

It actually scares me, because like PP 10:11, I also cannot imagine my life without him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should consider whether you are actually afraid of intimacy and are using an impossibly high standard in order to avoid it. I say that as someone who tended to be attracted to unavailable people and always ran scared from those who were available. Sometimes women worry that they're "settling," when the quality of the man is not really the issue. What's keeping them from "settling" is fear of intimacy. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

I was crazy in love with him when we first got together. 20 years later, I just love him.

[Anonymous]

"In love" seems to cycle in and out - there in the beginning when all is exciting and new, the replaced by "plain old love" when the excitment wears off. The "boring" version of love is the sustaining one, though - the "in love" thing doesn't necessarily last, or isn't always there every day, and may be missing for significant periods of time, but can/does cycle back. The boring love is what gets you through the days/weeks/months you don't feel "in love".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you "crazy" about your partner at first or was he/she just the right person at the right time? (And I don't mean crazy love in your teens or early 20s before the reality of life has set in) I am a single female in her 40's and I am beginning to wonder if I should keep holding out for this mysterious love thing that makes you giddy and is still practical at the same time. It just seems like its extremely elusive thing that most people never find. Have you found it? If not, do you feel you settled or still wonder if there is more out there? I just don't see that many people who seem crazy in love these days, but do you hold out for the chance that you wi9ll be in the 10% of the population that does?

I think you only find real love when you give up on the fantasy. I am completely in love with my husband and have been for the last 8 years that I've known him, but it's certainly no fantasy. Real love means you will stay with this person and know they will stay with you. That you have the same idea of what love and life are. That you have the same goals and aspirations for where you're going and that you're supportive of each other and that you know every day that they are choosing to be with you and that you have to hold up your end of the bargain. It's not fireworks and lightening bolts. That said, I think that you're better off with someone stable who will be there for you than with someone who you find fascinating and is self-involved. You should never feel you've settled, but you also don't want to marry someone you feel is "above" you. You should feel lucky for what you have, but not like "OH, I can't believe he picked ME!". You will do better in life and be a happier person with a best friend who is loyal and reliable than someone who makes your stomach turn every time you see him. That kind of love fades. Even if you feel it at first, it fades. You want to look at your husband and feel like you really got a partner and that will make you love him more than any other thing you could possibly put on a list. It's out there, but you need to put it in perspective, and know what "it" is. Love is partnership and security, not hearts spinning around your head.

[Anonymous]

We were crazy in love. After 15 years some of the lustre has worn off and he's not quite as shiny, but I still love him. Like some of the pp's it is cyclical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you "crazy" about your partner at first or was he/she just the right person at the right time? (And I don't mean crazy love in your teens or early 20s before the reality of life has set in) I am a single female in her 40's and I am beginning to wonder if I should keep holding out for this mysterious love thing that makes you giddy and is still practical at the same time. It just seems like its extremely elusive thing that most people never find. Have you found it? If not, do you feel you settled or still wonder if there is more out there? I just don't see that many people who seem crazy in love these days, but do you hold out for the chance that you wi9ll be in the 10% of the population that does?

I think you only find real love when you give up on the fantasy. I am completely in love with my husband and have been for the last 8 years that I've known him, but it's certainly no fantasy. Real love means you will stay with this person and know they will stay with you. That you have the same idea of what love and life are. That you have the same goals and aspirations for where you're going and that you're supportive of each other and that you know every day that they are choosing to be with you and that you have to hold up your end of the bargain. It's not fireworks and lightening bolts. That said, I think that you're better off with someone stable who will be there for you than with someone who you find fascinating and is self-involved. You should never feel you've settled, but you also don't want to marry someone you feel is "above" you. You should feel lucky for what you have, but not like "OH, I can't believe he picked ME!". You will do better in life and be a happier person with a best friend who is loyal and reliable than someone who makes your stomach turn every time you see him. That kind of love fades. Even if you feel it at first, it fades. You want to look at your husband and feel like you really got a partner and that will make you love him more than any other thing you could possibly put on a list. It's out there, but you need to put it in perspective, and know what "it" is. Love is partnership and security, not hearts spinning around your head.

yeah. what she said.

[Anonymous]

OP, It does not matter. Even if you start off in love you won't be any more given time. If you are foolish enough to have wasted your most marketable years "holding out for that elusive thing" it seems unlikely that you will be one of the lucky few. At this point in your life you should have clear attainable goals for any relationship because, let's face it, you are only going to get sloppy seconds. Marriage now will probably decrease your happiness more than it would have ten years ago because you are even less flexible. If I were you I would not marry a man who did not have a lot of money to offset the huge risk of marital failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, It does not matter. Even if you start off in love you won't be any more given time. If you are foolish enough to have wasted your most marketable years "holding out for that elusive thing" it seems unlikely that you will be one of the lucky few. At this point in your life you should have clear attainable goals for any relationship because, let's face it, you are only going to get sloppy seconds. Marriage now will probably decrease your happiness more than it would have ten years ago because you are even less flexible. If I were you I would not marry a man who did not have a lot of money to offset the huge risk of marital failure.

OP, I think you can ignore the simmer pot of anger and bitterness that is the PP. Based in particular on the last line, I'd say this is the last person you want to take relationship advice from. Choosing a mate with substantial assets to offset the risk of failure = near guarantee of failure.

[Anonymous]

Both. But the "in love" feeling is no longer the hot passionate intensity experienced when we first met -- I don't know that that's sustainable in any relationship. We married 6 months after meeting. Both in our 30's. Married now for 6 years.
I've been in relationships where I just loved the guy and those never worked out. You need the "in love" part too.

[Anonymous]

Crazy in love when first dating. Couldn't keep my mind or hands off him. FF 10 years into marriage and I definitely love and appreciate him, but only get those "in love" feelings every once in awhile. Which is completely fine with me.

[Anonymous]

"Crazy in love" is a form of insanity. If you are lucky, you also "Like" your partner and this is far more important than love. Passion wanes but "like" does turn into mature love. Unless you can offer perfection, don't hold out for perfection.