2 girls at preschool told my 3 year old they don't want to play with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

Girls are allowed to say no. They don’t have to play with people they don’t want to - they can decline.

There’s a difference between declining someone’s offer to play, and proactively approaching a kid to tell them you don’t want to play with them. One is acceptable and one is malicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

Girls are allowed to say no. They don’t have to play with people they don’t want to - they can decline.

This is OP. These girls came up to my daughter completely unsolicited to announce to her that they didn't want to play with her. It wasn't that my daughter tried to play and they were declining. Just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

Girls are allowed to say no. They don’t have to play with people they don’t want to - they can decline.

This is OP. These girls came up to my daughter completely unsolicited to announce to her that they didn't want to play with her. It wasn't that my daughter tried to play and they were declining. Just FYI.

Yes, op you are right that this is rude. If I was aware that my child behaved like that, we would be having a discussion about our words and how they make other people feel. I would be apologetic and a bit ashamed.

[Anonymous]

I went through the same thing with my DD when she was 5. I overheard her best friend at preschool talking about how my daughter was the most popular girl in their class (strange comment for a 5 year old to make) and how she and another child decided that they were no longer going to play with her. I had a talk with my daughter about it and told her how sorry I was, and that people were not always nice and kind. I told her that she had lots of other friends and other kids who wanted to play with her, and that she should play with them instead. We also talked about how it wasn’t fair, and how awful it felt to be in the receiving end of such treatment, and how she should be sure to remember the feeling and never treat anyone else that way. There were lots of hugs involved in our discussion too! The lesson stuck. Over the years, I have had numerous parents tell me that my daughter has always included their daughters, even when others didn’t want to. So, I sympathize. Your heart just breaks for your child. It might be that it didn’t faze your child this time, but if it does at some point, remind her how wonderful she is and encourage her to look to others to play. Also make it a life lesson about how to treat other kids. Mine is now in high school and learned over the years to not give any power to kids who weren’t kind to her. To move on and find other friends to spend her time with. I think she also learned an important lesson about valuing herself and not giving others the power to control how she feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

Girls are allowed to say no. They don’t have to play with people they don’t want to - they can decline.

There’s a difference between declining someone’s offer to play, and proactively approaching a kid to tell them you don’t want to play with them. One is acceptable and one is malicious.

They’re 3. No one is malicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through the same thing with my DD when she was 5. I overheard her best friend at preschool talking about how my daughter was the most popular girl in their class (strange comment for a 5 year old to make) and how she and another child decided that they were no longer going to play with her. I had a talk with my daughter about it and told her how sorry I was, and that people were not always nice and kind. I told her that she had lots of other friends and other kids who wanted to play with her, and that she should play with them instead. We also talked about how it wasn’t fair, and how awful it felt to be in the receiving end of such treatment, and how she should be sure to remember the feeling and never treat anyone else that way. There were lots of hugs involved in our discussion too! The lesson stuck. Over the years, I have had numerous parents tell me that my daughter has always included their daughters, even when others didn’t want to. So, I sympathize. Your heart just breaks for your child. It might be that it didn’t faze your child this time, but if it does at some point, remind her how wonderful she is and encourage her to look to others to play. Also make it a life lesson about how to treat other kids. Mine is now in high school and learned over the years to not give any power to kids who weren’t kind to her. To move on and find other friends to spend her time with. I think she also learned an important lesson about valuing herself and not giving others the power to control how she feels.

I agree with this, except age 5 is very different than age 3. At 5 they can understand these things. They’re almost twice as old as a 3 year old!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal and your daughter seems to be dealing with it fine. It’s quite possible she told another kid they couldn’t play with her yesterday. Don’t make it a big deal unless your daughter actually starts to care.

+1

I remember when my 17yo was this age one of her friends told their other friend she was too short to play with them, DD said nothing. The irony is the girl that said that was the shortest in the class. They'll all be friends tomorrow. Let them navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, three year olds are pretty self centered. Sounds like your daughter "gets" where the other girls are coming from. Agree if I caught my kid acting like this I would say something, but think some of the more triggered remarks need to remember you are dealing with three year olds who are currently shaping the world to their needs. If I were OP I would follow DD lead. If I were the parents of these girls and witnessed this, would have immediately corrected this and moved along.

[Anonymous]

They are 3 people and OP. Quit trying to make toddler/preschool MEAN happen Gretchen.

[Anonymous]

This is not mean girl behavior or queen bee stuff. This is preschool and my boys went through it. At age 3/4 kids have the idea that they can only have 1 best friend or favorite color at a time. They also seem to believe that who ever they are playing with at that very moment is their best friend. Sometimes they will say “you aren’t my (best) friend anymore” when what they actually mean is “I am done with this game and I’d like to go play blocks with Larlo now.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are 3 people and OP. Quit trying to make toddler/preschool MEAN happen Gretchen.

My now 21 year old boy used to stick pea gravel up his nose at 3/preschool, cut his clothes in parochial school in K (teacher took away his scissors), and is now a lovely college student, who works/volunteers on breaks, does well in school...

They are THREE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but I'm going to differ and hope that the teachers are talking to them about being kind and thinking about their words, otherwise how do they learn?

Of course I wouldn't expect them to freak out, but this is a chance also to ask if your DD has done anything similar.

These kids are barely outside of toddlerhood!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

Girls are allowed to say no. They don’t have to play with people they don’t want to - they can decline.

There’s a difference between declining someone’s offer to play, and proactively approaching a kid to tell them you don’t want to play with them. One is acceptable and one is malicious.

They’re 3. No one is malicious.

At 3 they are exploring social relationships and language. They are learning words like best friend. They are learning how to play collaboratively instead of in parallel. They are testing out how things work.
“You’re too short/loud/blond/whatever” is them exploring how others are different from them and leanring how to use language and testing things out to see what happens. We socialize our children when we help them understand they can have more than one friend, they can choose who to play with, etc.

5 yr olds are still not mean girls / kids. They start to form groups and play with power and relationship dynamics. They don’t know what they are doing! They are testing things out. Instead of assuming they are mean or destined to be a bully, recognize they are wrestling with trying to understand social dynamics in a group and help them learn what appropriate behavior and language is.

[Anonymous]

Beautifully said.

My 3 year old used to say she was a bear. Should I have just released her into the wild?!

They say all sorts of crap. They’re figuring it out. Give them some grace.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid do not like anybody but he plays with almost everybody. I have another kid that she loves everybody. Action is more stronger than words.