2 girls at preschool told my 3 year old they don't want to play with her

[Anonymous]

Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

What is there to navigate? You said yourself your DD didn’t seem to care. Don’t make a problem where there isn’t one.

[Anonymous]

This is normal and your daughter seems to be dealing with it fine. It’s quite possible she told another kid they couldn’t play with her yesterday. Don’t make it a big deal unless your daughter actually starts to care.

[Anonymous]

it's kids learning op. They make mistakes and if the teachers hear it I'm sure they'll correct it. I know it is hard when you start seeing these kid squabbles but you'll find they are much smaller deals to the kids than you think at that age. They were all probably playing together within the hour or later that day. It sounds like you feel like this is "mean girls" starting early but that is basically putting your adult lens on what is really just toddler/preschooler behavior. I'm not saying it is good or ok, and the school SHOULD correct it. but don't take it to heart too much.

In the moment if you see it, you can say something. Gently - "hey girls, that isn't kind. Sounds like you all are playing a game together right now?" Help them learn other words for it.

If you want to talk to your daughter about it you can say something like this after school "sweetie I noticed some kids in your class are saying things like "you can't play with us", it's important to our family that we include friends whenever we play. Make sure you include all friends that want to play ok?" Help her learn your standards for that behavior without pinning the kids as bad kids or something because they likely aren't.

[Anonymous]

Ok thanks everyone for the reassurance!
! First kid and all new territory for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to navigate? You said yourself your DD didn’t seem to care. Don’t make a problem where there isn’t one.

+1

Don't add drama OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to navigate? You said yourself your DD didn’t seem to care. Don’t make a problem where there isn’t one.

Yes, OP. She already handled it.

[Anonymous]

Agreed with all this. Also, kids at this age do and say things to get a reaction. So I would avoid reacting strongly in front of them or they may do it again!

[Anonymous]

I mean, I think it’s crazy that meanness starts that young. we seemed to avoid that in my sons preschool classes, but now he is 5 and in prek and there is one girl he says hi to at drop off who literally ignores him despite talking to other kids. I don’t fault a 5yo for being rude, just more sad to see it starting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think it’s crazy that meanness starts that young. we seemed to avoid that in my sons preschool classes, but now he is 5 and in prek and there is one girl he says hi to at drop off who literally ignores him despite talking to other kids. I don’t fault a 5yo for being rude, just more sad to see it starting.

Or. The girl is painfully shy and only talks to 2 kids she feels comfortable with. That was my daughter. They’re 5. They’re not rude.
OP, the worst thing you can do is subliminally suggest that a kid not wanting to play means your daughter needs to fix the situation or even care.

[Anonymous]

This is very common and I see this often at preschool/daycare. These kids are learning on how to interact socially.
I’m going to briefly try to describe what my observations are in this age group when they say they don’t want to play with somebody. It’s less about the rejection of the third individual and more about the playtime between the others in the group. They might be playing a game where in their minds is only for them and nobody else.
10 minutes later, they’re playing with the “rejected” child, and might exclude somebody else. Five minutes later, they’re all playing together nicely.
They’re learning how to interact with each other at the stage. Remember, not too long ago in their young lives. They were engaged in parallel play.
It’s a learning process, and the majority of the time kids grow out of that phase. I hope I explained that semi coherently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think it’s crazy that meanness starts that young. we seemed to avoid that in my sons preschool classes, but now he is 5 and in prek and there is one girl he says hi to at drop off who literally ignores him despite talking to other kids. I don’t fault a 5yo for being rude, just more sad to see it starting.

Or. The girl is painfully shy and only talks to 2 kids she feels comfortable with. That was my daughter. They’re 5. They’re not rude.
OP, the worst thing you can do is subliminally suggest that a kid not wanting to play means your daughter needs to fix the situation or even care.

She’s not painfully shy- I considered that. We’ve known her for years and she is very outgoing and affectionate. She even hugs me! She is very chatty with other kids at drop off. Then my son says he and she ignores him. He probably annoys her for whatever reason, and like I said, that’s fine - I don’t fault a 5yo for not knowing how to handle the situation and I don’t fault my 5yo for not knowing to take a hint (though I coach him gently.) just sad to see it play out because it’s damaging to self worth.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to differ and hope that the teachers are talking to them about being kind and thinking about their words, otherwise how do they learn?

Of course I wouldn't expect them to freak out, but this is a chance also to ask if your DD has done anything similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today when I dropped my 3 year old daugther off at school, 2 girls came up to her, holding each other's hands, and said "We don't want to play with you."
My daugther just went about her business and didn't seem to care, but I was taken aback. She normally plays nicely with one of the girls (the one who is more of the "follower" and seemingly being lead by the other girl.

I asked the teachers about this, and they said all of the kids do this to each other and that my daugther normally plays nicely with the other kids.

Oh boy... I guess I thought this all started later? What can I do to start to equip my daugther to navigate this sort of thing?

Girls are allowed to say no. They don’t have to play with people they don’t want to - they can decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but I'm going to differ and hope that the teachers are talking to them about being kind and thinking about their words, otherwise how do they learn?

Of course I wouldn't expect them to freak out, but this is a chance also to ask if your DD has done anything similar.

You mean - express her preferences in age appropriate language?? How dare she! She has to hang out with (date) anyone who wants her to do so to be nice. Saying no is mean.