Do teachers ever get it wrong with discipline?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

+1, sometimes teachers just don't mesh with a kid.

To me the red flag would the teacher saying your DD thinks she's smarter than other kids. That's a weird assessment for a teacher to make of a 6/7 year old-- kids this age are trying stuff out to see what works, mimicking behaviors they see in the world (at home, yes, but at school, in movies, etc.) and it's a very rare kid who would have some kind of inborn arrogance at this age. You might see a kid who boasts more than other kids, though boasting is really common in 1st graders.

Anyway, calling another child mean deserves a conversation about name calling and labelling and that's it. It's not ideal behavior but it's also not some horrible mistake that requires severe punishment.

Op here. Thanks so much for the responses. My post probably wasn’t clear. The teacher said my daughter engaged in “mean girl behavior” in this specific incident. She said she was making fun of another student and went on in a way that seemed to ascribe really malicious intent and that it’s part of a pattern, which I have never seen in my kid and found highly concerning.

I talked to my child and what she says happened was not that. I have never known her to lie about this kind of thing so I want to believe her but obviously I wasn’t there. I have not let her off the hook at all but am wondering what if anything I need to do to better understand what is going on. If she is picking on other kids or is arrogant, I am horrified and want to correct that but I am not sure that’s happening. I think this has upset me so much because of anything we very actively to parent her in the other direction so it feels like a huge failure.

I would assume your DD was unkind and definitely talk to her about teasing/bullying, let her know that even if other kids are doing, you expect better than that from her, and to consider how she'd feel if kids were treating her or her brother that way. I don't think she needs a punishment beyond those for conversations.

I would disregard the teacher comment about your kid being arrogant or a "mean girl." That's the teacher editorializing and especially if it doesn't align with what you've observed, I'd ignore it. Labelling kids in that way, especially at this age, is counterproductive. And if the teacher's doing it, you need to counter it at home, not go along with it. I tell my DD stuff like "I know you are a kind and thoughtful person" and if she misbehaves "I know this is not the person you want to be." I want to create space for her to be the best version of herself, and that means a narrative where misbehavior is a mistake you can address and then move on from, not a reflection of something "wrong" with her, as this teacher seems to imply.

But also try to give the teacher some grace, she might just be tired or overwhelmed, and be forgetting that sometimes 1st graders mess up, it doesn't mean they're bad kids. When my DD had a teacher who wanted to label her this way, she was an inexperienced teacher. I think that played a role.

This is very helpful - thank you.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say I have one SN child and one NT child who so far gets amazing behavior reports, does well in school and has friends. But I’ve caught myself FREAKING out when he behaves poorly, even as a one off thing that I intellectually know is normal because I 1) am terrified he’s also going to end up with a diagnosis and 2) find myself feeling more secure as a parent because I have at least one child that doesn’t cause me death stares on the playground and drama. I makes me feel less like I am the problem. But that’s too big of a burden for my NT kid and not fair to him so I work really hard to remember he’s a kid and he gets to mess up too.

Not sure if that’s at all going on with you but the panic over a call home is something I can very much relate to. Anyway good luck I’m sure you will handle it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say I have one SN child and one NT child who so far gets amazing behavior reports, does well in school and has friends. But I’ve caught myself FREAKING out when he behaves poorly, even as a one off thing that I intellectually know is normal because I 1) am terrified he’s also going to end up with a diagnosis and 2) find myself feeling more secure as a parent because I have at least one child that doesn’t cause me death stares on the playground and drama. I makes me feel less like I am the problem. But that’s too big of a burden for my NT kid and not fair to him so I work really hard to remember he’s a kid and he gets to mess up too.

Not sure if that’s at all going on with you but the panic over a call home is something I can very much relate to. Anyway good luck I’m sure you will handle it well.

OP here. This is a very empathetic response - thank you. I think this is definitely part of my issue. It would be great if just one thing with my kids would be "easy" but I guess that's not real life.

[Anonymous]

I think the teacher sounds a little off. I am a teacher. I would never use the terms “mean girl” or say that a child thought she was better than the others. That’s not professional at all. If I were you, I’d check in with the guidance counselor and report this by saying you want to know if your child needs more support to behave. It’s possible that this teacher has a bit of a reputation for this kind of thing and the guidance counselor will know. The specials teachers also have eyes on your kid and their point of view would be helpful. It’s also possible that your child was at fault. I’d keep an eye on things and definitely get the counselor’s take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the teacher sounds a little off. I am a teacher. I would never use the terms “mean girl” or say that a child thought she was better than the others. That’s not professional at all. If I were you, I’d check in with the guidance counselor and report this by saying you want to know if your child needs more support to behave. It’s possible that this teacher has a bit of a reputation for this kind of thing and the guidance counselor will know. The specials teachers also have eyes on your kid and their point of view would be helpful. It’s also possible that your child was at fault. I’d keep an eye on things and definitely get the counselor’s take.

PP here and I think that is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t read much into it. It’s first grade.

Just have a conversation with your daughter about what it means to be a good friend, being kind to others, and the appropriate was to set boundaries in a kind way (if she doesn’t want to share, or play with someone, or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the teacher sounds a little off. I am a teacher. I would never use the terms “mean girl” or say that a child thought she was better than the others. That’s not professional at all. If I were you, I’d check in with the guidance counselor and report this by saying you want to know if your child needs more support to behave. It’s possible that this teacher has a bit of a reputation for this kind of thing and the guidance counselor will know. The specials teachers also have eyes on your kid and their point of view would be helpful. It’s also possible that your child was at fault. I’d keep an eye on things and definitely get the counselor’s take.

Op here. Thanks so much for the insight. I am going to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

+1, sometimes teachers just don't mesh with a kid.

To me the red flag would the teacher saying your DD thinks she's smarter than other kids. That's a weird assessment for a teacher to make of a 6/7 year old-- kids this age are trying stuff out to see what works, mimicking behaviors they see in the world (at home, yes, but at school, in movies, etc.) and it's a very rare kid who would have some kind of inborn arrogance at this age. You might see a kid who boasts more than other kids, though boasting is really common in 1st graders.

Anyway, calling another child mean deserves a conversation about name calling and labelling and that's it. It's not ideal behavior but it's also not some horrible mistake that requires severe punishment.

Op here. Thanks so much for the responses. My post probably wasn’t clear. The teacher said my daughter engaged in “mean girl behavior” in this specific incident. She said she was making fun of another student and went on in a way that seemed to ascribe really malicious intent and that it’s part of a pattern, which I have never seen in my kid and found highly concerning.

I talked to my child and what she says happened was not that. I have never known her to lie about this kind of thing so I want to believe her but obviously I wasn’t there. I have not let her off the hook at all but am wondering what if anything I need to do to better understand what is going on. If she is picking on other kids or is arrogant, I am horrified and want to correct that but I am not sure that’s happening. I think this has upset me so much because of anything we very actively to parent her in the other direction so it feels like a huge failure.

I would assume your DD was unkind and definitely talk to her about teasing/bullying, let her know that even if other kids are doing, you expect better than that from her, and to consider how she'd feel if kids were treating her or her brother that way. I don't think she needs a punishment beyond those for conversations.

I would disregard the teacher comment about your kid being arrogant or a "mean girl." That's the teacher editorializing and especially if it doesn't align with what you've observed, I'd ignore it. Labelling kids in that way, especially at this age, is counterproductive. And if the teacher's doing it, you need to counter it at home, not go along with it. I tell my DD stuff like "I know you are a kind and thoughtful person" and if she misbehaves "I know this is not the person you want to be." I want to create space for her to be the best version of herself, and that means a narrative where misbehavior is a mistake you can address and then move on from, not a reflection of something "wrong" with her, as this teacher seems to imply.

But also try to give the teacher some grace, she might just be tired or overwhelmed, and be forgetting that sometimes 1st graders mess up, it doesn't mean they're bad kids. When my DD had a teacher who wanted to label her this way, she was an inexperienced teacher. I think that played a role.

I like this advice.

[Anonymous]

Is your child the queen bee?

[Anonymous]

To your question “do teachers ever get it wrong with discipline?” Absolutely.

This teacher was wrong. I’m not saying your daughter did nothing wrong but the teacher’s handling of the situation doesn’t seem right either. I actually find it very concerning that the teacher referred to your daughter as displaying “mean girl behavior” which would suggest this is a pattern of behavior for your daughter and not a one-off. I also find it very concerning that the teacher told you your daughter thinks she’s smarter than other kids. That is not appropriate or professional for the teacher to say. I think the teacher is likely overwhelmed/stressed, misread the situation and/or blew it out of proportion, doesn’t really mesh w your daughter, AND was totally unprofessional in the way she presented it to you.

I would definitely recommend talking to the school counselor about this and getting someone else looped in. To me the teacher sounds more like the problem than your daughter.

-a teacher

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher and I wouldn’t use that kind of language with a parent, even if it were true. I would probably say that the child is a social butterfly but sometimes needs reminders to be kind to everyone and to be inclusive. I’d tell the parent that the child is very confident academically and requires reminders that not everyone finds the work easy, so we don’t comment on the difficulty of assignments. Have you gotten that type of feedback before? If not, I wouldn’t worry.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher I don’t call unless and until I must because it’s bigger than I can address alone. I don’t think it’s unusual you haven’t seen this behavior… when you see her she’s with you! Kids are different in peer groups. So yes I’d believe it but it doesn’t mean you failed. Just correct her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your child the queen bee?

OP here. I thought about this a lot. She has a lot of friends but I really don’t think so. I am her Girl Scout troop leader (we have 20 kids so it’s a huge group) and have volunteered in her classroom a bunch both this and last year. I think, if anything, she wants for approval of peers too much and goofs off for that reason. But I have never seen it at the expense of other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To your question “do teachers ever get it wrong with discipline?” Absolutely.

This teacher was wrong. I’m not saying your daughter did nothing wrong but the teacher’s handling of the situation doesn’t seem right either. I actually find it very concerning that the teacher referred to your daughter as displaying “mean girl behavior” which would suggest this is a pattern of behavior for your daughter and not a one-off. I also find it very concerning that the teacher told you your daughter thinks she’s smarter than other kids. That is not appropriate or professional for the teacher to say. I think the teacher is likely overwhelmed/stressed, misread the situation and/or blew it out of proportion, doesn’t really mesh w your daughter, AND was totally unprofessional in the way she presented it to you.

I would definitely recommend talking to the school counselor about this and getting someone else looped in. To me the teacher sounds more like the problem than your daughter.

-a teacher

This is very helpful thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a teacher and I wouldn’t use that kind of language with a parent, even if it were true. I would probably say that the child is a social butterfly but sometimes needs reminders to be kind to everyone and to be inclusive. I’d tell the parent that the child is very confident academically and requires reminders that not everyone finds the work easy, so we don’t comment on the difficulty of assignments. Have you gotten that type of feedback before? If not, I wouldn’t worry.

Thanks for this. I haven’t! I have been told she is a social butterfly but it’s usually “she’s friends with everyone, there is no one in the class she won’t talk to.” I’ve never heard anything about the academic stuff. The whole thing was really unusual to me and super alarming for that reason. Ugh.