Do teachers ever get it wrong with discipline?

[Anonymous]

My first grade daughter’s teacher called me yesterday to relay something that she says happened in the classroom. She said my daughter made a comment to another student and ascribed malicious intent to it, specifically describing her as a “mean girl.”

This is the first I have ever heard from this teacher about anything, other than our brief conference that was entirely focused on test results. I am shocked and so upset that this happened so I talked extensively to my kid about it and she has reported a very different story - it seems like there were multiple kids in this incident and she was not the leader of it, and the teacher didn’t know that.

I have been very very hard on her and am punishing her and supporting the teacher in front of my kid, but I honestly don’t think she is lying and that the teacher got it somewhat wrong. The teacher also implied that she thinks my kid thinks she’s smarter than other students, which, again is something I have never seen and is DEFINITELY not something we have ever told her or emphasized. Her little brother has special needs including borderline low IQ so we are very cognizant of this particular issue.

I have never gotten this feedback from her other teachers and I have more contact with them than this one. The feedback that we generally get is that she is kind to friends and does well academically but is a little too chatty at times, but a good kid.

Never a bully or mean girl comment. This teacher basically said she is arrogant and a bad kid. If what she says is true, I feel like we have a huge issue (and honestly that I am a massive failure as a parent). But she is also very young, and again, I just do not see this streak in her. I am very involved in the school and in her life (volunteer when I can, Girl Scout troop leader so I see her in a setting with classmates) and I am shocked.

I am not generally one to push back or be super defensive of my kid for a lot of reasons, but this feels very different. What would you do? And please be kind, I am incredibly upset and alarmed by this situation.

[Anonymous]

You can support the teacher and your daughter at the same time, without punishment of your daughter. Sometimes all that is needed is your child knowing you heard from the teacher and then having a conversation with your child. This gives you the opportunity to hear all sides of the story, form your own opinion and in this case to reinforce the value of kindness and being aware of how we say things.

[Anonymous]

I would take what this teacher says as one data point and continue to monitor across settings, as you are doing. I have had teachers and before/after care providers lie to me and/or give me incorrect info about my kids (as confirmed by multiple other kids). If the teacher is correct and this is new behavior from your DD, it sounds like you are nipping it in the bud. If she continues to complain about your DD in ways that are inconsistent with what you otherwise see and hear about your DD you can just thank her for letting you know and go about your day. Not everyone is going to like your child and that’s okay. You don’t have to defend your child to her unless she is punishing your child without justification.

[Anonymous]

I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

[Anonymous]

You are WAY overreacting here. Why are you giving your kid some major punishment over this? You are never going to survive parenthood if you overreact like this to everything.

You talk to your kid. Your hear both stories. You tell your kid not to behave like this. And, you remind them that even if this was a group incident, the right answer is to exit this group situation quickly. And in first grade, you remind them to let the teacher know when someone is being picked on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

+1, sometimes teachers just don't mesh with a kid.

To me the red flag would the teacher saying your DD thinks she's smarter than other kids. That's a weird assessment for a teacher to make of a 6/7 year old-- kids this age are trying stuff out to see what works, mimicking behaviors they see in the world (at home, yes, but at school, in movies, etc.) and it's a very rare kid who would have some kind of inborn arrogance at this age. You might see a kid who boasts more than other kids, though boasting is really common in 1st graders.

Anyway, calling another child mean deserves a conversation about name calling and labelling and that's it. It's not ideal behavior but it's also not some horrible mistake that requires severe punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

Totally fair. But honestly, the OP is so completely reactive to all this that I wonder if she is exaggerating what she “heard.” Not deliberately, but just because she seems to have extreme thinking.

[Anonymous]

There’s got to be some element of truth to what the teacher said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

+1, sometimes teachers just don't mesh with a kid.

To me the red flag would the teacher saying your DD thinks she's smarter than other kids. That's a weird assessment for a teacher to make of a 6/7 year old-- kids this age are trying stuff out to see what works, mimicking behaviors they see in the world (at home, yes, but at school, in movies, etc.) and it's a very rare kid who would have some kind of inborn arrogance at this age. You might see a kid who boasts more than other kids, though boasting is really common in 1st graders.

Anyway, calling another child mean deserves a conversation about name calling and labelling and that's it. It's not ideal behavior but it's also not some horrible mistake that requires severe punishment.

Op here. Thanks so much for the responses. My post probably wasn’t clear. The teacher said my daughter engaged in “mean girl behavior” in this specific incident. She said she was making fun of another student and went on in a way that seemed to ascribe really malicious intent and that it’s part of a pattern, which I have never seen in my kid and found highly concerning.

I talked to my child and what she says happened was not that. I have never known her to lie about this kind of thing so I want to believe her but obviously I wasn’t there. I have not let her off the hook at all but am wondering what if anything I need to do to better understand what is going on. If she is picking on other kids or is arrogant, I am horrified and want to correct that but I am not sure that’s happening. I think this has upset me so much because of anything we very actively to parent her in the other direction so it feels like a huge failure.

[Anonymous]

Stop overreacting. Let’s pretend the teacher is 100% right. You haven’t failed as a parent. Good grief. Your kid is trying out different behaviors as a young child. You talk to her, keep it moving and take a closer look at things.

My kid pushed our next door neighbor down on the playground in 4th grade. She had her reasons, but pushing someone isn’t acceptable. She apologized. We all moved on. Other than that, she is the kind of kid that wins character awards at school. It isn’t like her one time physical aggression means she is headed to prison some day.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the fact that you have never seen this behavior at home in a one-on-one situation says anything about how a child might behave in a group of their peers. It is a completely different environment. Children in large groups can be like Lord of the Flies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop overreacting. Let’s pretend the teacher is 100% right. You haven’t failed as a parent. Good grief. Your kid is trying out different behaviors as a young child. You talk to her, keep it moving and take a closer look at things.

My kid pushed our next door neighbor down on the playground in 4th grade. She had her reasons, but pushing someone isn’t acceptable. She apologized. We all moved on. Other than that, she is the kind of kid that wins character awards at school. It isn’t like her one time physical aggression means she is headed to prison some day.

A 4th grader pushed a neighbor at school and you all moved on? Sounds like you—and the school—didn’t take it seriously enough if all she had to do was apologize. This isn’t preschool.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah there is no doubt I’m overreacting- and honestly it is a relief to hear you say that.

I am probably taking it that way because the tone of the convo extremely unpleasant. The teacher specifically said this was “mean girl” behavior, mentioned bullying, and throwing in the comments about her thinking she smarter than other kids, making it seem like she thinks this is a character flaw not a one-time mistake.

I found the thing very personally upsetting, which I know is not great but is hopefully understandable? I am coming here because I don’t want to overreact in defense of my kid or anything like that but am unnerved by the idea that she apparently has this perception of my kid. If it’s true, that is a huge problem. She has two teachers (one for each half of the day) I have never heard this feedback or observed it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop overreacting. Let’s pretend the teacher is 100% right. You haven’t failed as a parent. Good grief. Your kid is trying out different behaviors as a young child. You talk to her, keep it moving and take a closer look at things.

My kid pushed our next door neighbor down on the playground in 4th grade. She had her reasons, but pushing someone isn’t acceptable. She apologized. We all moved on. Other than that, she is the kind of kid that wins character awards at school. It isn’t like her one time physical aggression means she is headed to prison some day.

A 4th grader pushed a neighbor at school and you all moved on? Sounds like you—and the school—didn’t take it seriously enough if all she had to do was apologize. This isn’t preschool.

I mean there was more punishment than that, but yes, we all moved on. I’m not still punishing her 2 years later. Nor does anyone think she is a bully. It definitely was a situation with two sides to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm able to read people pretty well and I can tell when a teacher just doesn't like my kid. I wouldn't punish, just say be kind. I also wouldn't go back and try to correct the record. There is no point. I find this a ridiculous overreaction for first grade.

+1, sometimes teachers just don't mesh with a kid.

To me the red flag would the teacher saying your DD thinks she's smarter than other kids. That's a weird assessment for a teacher to make of a 6/7 year old-- kids this age are trying stuff out to see what works, mimicking behaviors they see in the world (at home, yes, but at school, in movies, etc.) and it's a very rare kid who would have some kind of inborn arrogance at this age. You might see a kid who boasts more than other kids, though boasting is really common in 1st graders.

Anyway, calling another child mean deserves a conversation about name calling and labelling and that's it. It's not ideal behavior but it's also not some horrible mistake that requires severe punishment.

Op here. Thanks so much for the responses. My post probably wasn’t clear. The teacher said my daughter engaged in “mean girl behavior” in this specific incident. She said she was making fun of another student and went on in a way that seemed to ascribe really malicious intent and that it’s part of a pattern, which I have never seen in my kid and found highly concerning.

I talked to my child and what she says happened was not that. I have never known her to lie about this kind of thing so I want to believe her but obviously I wasn’t there. I have not let her off the hook at all but am wondering what if anything I need to do to better understand what is going on. If she is picking on other kids or is arrogant, I am horrified and want to correct that but I am not sure that’s happening. I think this has upset me so much because of anything we very actively to parent her in the other direction so it feels like a huge failure.

I would assume your DD was unkind and definitely talk to her about teasing/bullying, let her know that even if other kids are doing, you expect better than that from her, and to consider how she'd feel if kids were treating her or her brother that way. I don't think she needs a punishment beyond those for conversations.

I would disregard the teacher comment about your kid being arrogant or a "mean girl." That's the teacher editorializing and especially if it doesn't align with what you've observed, I'd ignore it. Labelling kids in that way, especially at this age, is counterproductive. And if the teacher's doing it, you need to counter it at home, not go along with it. I tell my DD stuff like "I know you are a kind and thoughtful person" and if she misbehaves "I know this is not the person you want to be." I want to create space for her to be the best version of herself, and that means a narrative where misbehavior is a mistake you can address and then move on from, not a reflection of something "wrong" with her, as this teacher seems to imply.

But also try to give the teacher some grace, she might just be tired or overwhelmed, and be forgetting that sometimes 1st graders mess up, it doesn't mean they're bad kids. When my DD had a teacher who wanted to label her this way, she was an inexperienced teacher. I think that played a role.