Logistics for surviving parent after one passes away

[Anonymous]

After my Dad passed away, I encouraged my Mom to move near us. She was very stressed and overwhelmed at the idea, and ended up selling their house and moving into an apartment in the town they lived in. I was worried about it, but it has been so good for her.

She's in a building that has a lot of other seniors, so there are always people around. She has daily walking buddies, people stop by with treats or just to say hi, etc. She goes to a knitting circle at the senior center every week and volunteers there once or twice a month. She could eat there if she wanted, but she thinks their food is bad so she doesn't.

She's very competent domestically, but my Dad did all the house stuff and financial stuff. But she's in an apartment now, so she just calls maintenance if there's an issue. She calls me to ask for financial advice, and she's happy to pay for someone to do her taxes or anything else she needs. She's completely technologically incapable, so she just claims old age and calls companies when they want her to do anything online. I think Vanguard, etc probably have a bunch of older clients who are the same way because they are unfailingly nice and helpful to her when she does it. In good news, I don't worry about her falling prey to internet scammers because she refuses to do anything online. She's sharp enough to not fall for phone scammers luckily.

Get all her bills on autopay, let her eat frozen food (or eat out), and let her keep her social life while she's still healthy. Depression in elderly people is no joke--and if she's got a good support system in NY, I wouldn't rush into any major changes right away.

[Anonymous]

Just went through this. Don't move her right away. See how she does. My FIL has done so much better learning all the domestic things than I thought he would

[Anonymous]

My grandmother subsisted on frozen meals for years - I felt like she was back on the weight watchers she used to do when I was a little kid - even when my mom stayed with her they didn’t cook. There isn’t really an issue so long as she’s healthy.

[Anonymous]

Make sure to get all of the account information from you dad, including utilities and real estate taxes. Set everything up on autopay now, before you lose your dad. That will help your mom as she navigates the loss.

I went through this a few years ago- my mom couldn’t keep up with the house but wanted to stay in the town she’d lived in forever so she rented a condo. I should have immediately moved her to an independent living place near me. It was a really rough five years of multiple moves as she aged. Extremely hard on both of us. So my suggestion would be to have a very frank discussion with her. If she wants to stay where she is try to find a way to make that work but if she starts needing more care plant that seed now for her to be amenable to it. At 77 she could go from fine to not fine very quickly.

[Anonymous]

My folks had downsized to an apt. When my dad died at 86, my 84 year old mom wanted assisted living near her kids. This worked well for 6-8 years but after that. CCRC would have been better. She needed 24 hour care in assisted living. Expensive. She died at 96.

A key factor in where to live is the ability to continue driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If basics like eating food are "too hard" then I don't see how your mother can handle living alone.

This. Does she have dementia? Sounds like assisted living is the way to go. What’s going to happen when he’s too sick to cook? Sounds like that will be soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your mom want to do?

My mom seems to be in denial and hasn’t really expressed her interests at all. Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants, or maybe she doesn’t want to push back on my dad.

I didn’t mean that she won’t eat and will starve herself, just that she will probably subsist on frozen dinners because she doesn’t like to cook. She is very intelligent - she was a psychiatrist (so a doctor) and now volunteers at a hospital 4 days per week. She is very capable for the most part, just not domestically.

She will never agree to assisted living. Finances are not clear. They own their townhouse outright but there are some monthly HOA fees. They have a good amount of savings, but given that my mom is only 77 and could live for many more years, not sure how that would last should she get sick.

She may rise to the occasion.

After my dad passed (suddenly), my mom was overwhelmed with the logistics and also considered moving to DC to be close to us, but eventually she figured out how to do everything (hired financial advisors and lawyers to help) and really did rise to the task of doing everything my dad used to do.

I'm so glad she stayed where she was, where she has a really rich life full of friends and volunteer work and a religious community.

[Anonymous]

I’m new to this, so I don’t know what it’s called. But she sounds like a good candidate for those independent living places that are a section of a nursing home(?) community. They’re nice apartments and have complete freedom to see her friends and family; meal trays are delivered to outside the door, and someone keeps an eye on them.

[Anonymous]

Something does not add up. She is active and does volunteer work but cannot prepare her own food?

I would not make a decision at this point. I would visit and try to observe. Is she really going out with friends and doing volunteer work. Can she really not pay bills and make food? You could also explore options. But I might wait until your dad passes away to push anything. I have to wonder if your dad and mom created an environment where your mom learned to be helpless.

My mom was actually really helpless at many things my dad used to do - like paying bills and doing things online. As his health has declined, she has started doing more. It’s actually impressive what she has learned to do in a very short amount of time.

[Anonymous]

They remarry. It’s scary.

[Anonymous]

He is probably covering for her way more than you realize. She may even have dementia that would get worse.

If I were you, I'd get control of the finances directly from your Dad while he is still here. See if your mom will agree to a POA that you can get set up now. Then, help figure out the bills etc so you can pay them.

You can also figure out food etc. If your Dad is ill, that will come into play sooner than later. But figuring out daily meals is easier than finances.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom is a doctor. She is very capable of learning things. She knows the risks of unhealthy food. She is still volunteering in a hospital for goodness’ sake.

This is not your problem to fix unless it goes wrong. You are infantilizing her and that is not very kind.

[Anonymous]

If everything you say about your mom is true, I wouldn’t worry too much about her living alone after your dad passes. What bills does she have - I’m assuming utilities, insurance, and a credit card? What about a car payment or however they pay their real estate taxes? Set everything up on auto pay so she can’t mess it up and doesn’t even have to touch it. And just keep an eye on the finances as much as possible due to financial scams. As for the food/cooking/cleaning, older people honestly don’t eat much and she’ll probably be ok on freezer meals and other stuff that’s easy to eat and prepare. Maybe a 2x monthly cleaning service if needed.

Now if your dad is hinting that maybe there’s some memory issues or loss of cognitive functioning on your mom’s part OR some physical declines that would make it unsafe to live in a home with multiple levels, stairs, etc. that’s when you can start to look for independent or assisted living. But most 77 year olds I know are getting around pretty well physically, especially if you say she’s still volunteering and seeing her friends and such. It sounds like she has good ties where she is now so I honestly would not move her closer to you at this point. You can look at independent or assisted living communities when the need arises.

[Anonymous]

OP, at 77 your Mom could make friends.
When I read the beginning of your post, I was all for having Mom stay where she is ... but by the end of your post, I thought ... no ... better that she move sooner rather than later.

Money matters. Know what she can afford and what that amount of money looks like around the DMV. An active community of elders may be just what she needs - if she can afford it.

[Anonymous]

All bills should be on auto-pay. Regular grocery delivery. Figure out NOW how taxes will be filed each year. If their house is paid off and taxes and insurance aren't rolled into a mortgage payment, make sure property taxes and insurance are getting paid. You should be given access to her financial accounts to ensure things are getting paid.