How independent do you expect your elderly parents to be when traveling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s time to accept that your parents are aging and will need progressively more help from now on. Just answer her questions and help as much as possible.

OP here. Here’s the thing— I have an older unmarried sister, late 40s, who hardly helps them and who they treat like a child. Every time I suggest they reach to her, crickets. This has been a big part of the problem. She’s not disabled, either. My mom just has a thing for playing helpless with me.

Leave the sibling out of it, that’s their business.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are pretty self sufficient, early 70s. My mom is self sufficient but sometimes pretends not to be (76). That irritates me more than anything.

[Anonymous]

It could be that they are slowing down mentally and things are getting more difficult for them to plan out themselves. If you are sure that they are capable of making their arrangements, then don’t do it for them! ‘Where should we have dinner?’ ‘I don’t know mom, I heard the hotel restaurant is good, or you can call the concierge and ask.’ You don’t need to be sending links and encouraging this.

My ILs are like your parents when they travel. They are just getting older and need things spelled out very explicitly. They love to travel but now only do it with younger people who will help guide them. It works out pretty well for us - they subsidize the cost of the trip, but DH and I plan out every detail. Things like navigating public transit in another country are super overwhelming for them now, even though they have travelled internationally all of their lives.

[Anonymous]

My parents are (as a couple) totally independent when they travel, and spend about six months of any year on the road in their RV. My mom couldn't do it by herself (she can't see much anymore), but my dad manages for the both of them. They're 74 and 72.

[Anonymous]

OP you are awful. Your poor parents.

They are having travel anxiety. Have some kindness and help them, knowing you are making their trip easier.

Or tell them you refuse to be helpful and you are spending your time instead complaining about them.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry Mom. I'm swamped. I can't help you with that. Give Susie (sister) a call and ask her."

repeat, repeat

[Anonymous]

If this is getting worse, I’d worry about cognitive decline. Difficultly thinking through simple multi step problems is a first step.

But it may just be that they are not sophisticated travelers and think you are.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you shouldn’t be vacationing with your folks. These questions wouldn’t bother me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is getting worse, I’d worry about cognitive decline. Difficultly thinking through simple multi step problems is a first step.

But it may just be that they are not sophisticated travelers and think you are.

+1

If your mom is asking over and over, she may have the start of dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their early 70s and in good health with sharp minds, but they often expect me to be their constant personal concierge and make all decisions for them. We are flying to meet them in Florida and my mom is asking them if they need a cab. I’ve been under the impression that she understood that we are arriving a day later and will not be picking them up. Now she’s asking me if they should take the hotel bus instead. As far as I’m concerned, that’s her own choice. Cab, hotel bus, city bus, rental car. It’s her call.

She’s also asked about what they should do for dinner. She knows this hotel has a great restaurant onsite and other places within walking distance. And no, we’re not expecting and planning to eat every single meal with them. I’m starting to get exhausted and stressed out by this because we have small children we’ll be managing who are our priorities, of course. My parents are adults snd should be able to figure out these things without me, no?

Wait, I'm a little confused... who is the "them" your mom is asking (bolded)?

My inlaws in their late 80's are truly elderly, and we take care of them as if they were our small children.

However, I definitely don't consider 70's to be elderly in this day and age -- merely "aging".
Especially if they're cognitively sharp and sound of mind.

[Anonymous]

If you think of it as a girlfriend asking you, would it be a similar vibe? Maybe she’s just making conversation and asking for advice?

[Anonymous]

If they need your handholding to travel to this level, stop the intergenerational travel. I know it’s sad, but that’s a lot of nerdiness and if it’s out of character or getting noticeably worse, it’s probably time to stop the group trips.

[Anonymous]

Neediness, not nerd. Autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Likely they enjoy talking and talking about it. And the minutiae creates even more talk. Maybe it's not about stressing over the details? Although clearly some people, of all ages, think - them having stress makes them interesting

[Anonymous]

For comparison re: aging. We are in our 70's, travel internationally making our own arrangements (no tour groups) It is getting harder. It just seems much more stressful the older you get. Takes a lot more time and effort to feel confident re: plans.