How independent do you expect your elderly parents to be when traveling
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Anonymous
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My parents are in their early 70s and in good health with sharp minds, but they often expect me to be their constant personal concierge and make all decisions for them. We are flying to meet them in Florida and my mom is asking them if they need a cab. I’ve been under the impression that she understood that we are arriving a day later and will not be picking them up. Now she’s asking me if they should take the hotel bus instead. As far as I’m concerned, that’s her own choice. Cab, hotel bus, city bus, rental car. It’s her call.
She’s also asked about what they should do for dinner. She knows this hotel has a great restaurant onsite and other places within walking distance. And no, we’re not expecting and planning to eat every single meal with them. I’m starting to get exhausted and stressed out by this because we have small children we’ll be managing who are our priorities, of course. My parents are adults snd should be able to figure out these things without me, no? |
Anonymous
| My parents are basically toddlers now. Totally incapable of doing anything for themselves (booking an Uber, getting through an airport, etc). They rarely travel anymore. Early 80's. |
Anonymous
| Do your parents travel on their own elsewhere without you? If so, I would try to avoid helping them with cabs, restaurants, etc. It just seems to encourage learned helplessness and they become extra people for you to take care of. My mother, early 70s, is similar. Lives alone and perfectly capable of doing everything on her own but if I’m around, becomes helpless and doesn’t bother trying to figure anything out on her own, which is why we don’t travel with her. |
Anonymous
| I think it's typical. My parents and in-laws are like that too, they all struggle with anything online and we've helped with car rental, Uber, picking restaurants...They just get overwhelmed. |
Anonymous
| My parents are in their early 70s and are great travelers. My mom comes up to bring my 4 yo son to his therapy appointments each week and then take my older kids to school the next morning (she lives 2 hours away). She visits my brother and sister every 6 weeks or so - they are each a (separate) flight away. She usually ubers to their houses from the airport unless they insist on picking her up. Then she travels internationally twice a year or so and does various weekend trips with her partner and/or girlfriends. (My dad is passed but her partner is an even better travel companion than she is in terms of making plans, keeping track of things, navigating, etc.) This is making me feel very lucky. For all her foibles, she knows being a working mom with young kids is much harder than being a retired person with occasional health difficulties and tries to accommodate all her kids and grandkids. |
Anonymous
| My dad is like 75 or 76 and fully independent. My mother's dead now but when she was alive she just rolled with whatever he decided. |
Anonymous
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OP here, thanks for all of these replies. So, in some cases, this is typical. My mother’s mom was like this so it’s probably learned behavior on her part. I’m the past when I’ve tried to help her she ignores my suggestions then plays victim when things don’t work out. I’m starting to regret this trip, and that too bad. I’d rather not feel that way as it’s supposed to be a vacation. I’ve sent her a few links already and she keeps asking me the same questions. Not sure why their dining needs are my problem, too. Last I knew they feed themselves just fine.
Funny thing is they gave the funds to purchase white glove/VIP support but are too cheap and proud to do so. |
Anonymous
OP- I wish my mom was like this. I think she takes joy in trying to get her daughter to hustle for her the way she hustled for her mother. |
Anonymous
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I think my parents can fend for themselves if needed but they might ask me for advice like your mom did because I travel more frequently.
I think I *am* everyone’s personal concierge when we travel together. |
Anonymous
| ^ they do things for me too. My mom takes my daughter to gymnastics once a week and my son need a ride tonight, etc. so I don’t feel taken advantage of. If anything they do more for me. |
Anonymous
| It’s time to accept that your parents are aging and will need progressively more help from now on. Just answer her questions and help as much as possible. |
Anonymous
OP here. Here’s the thing— I have an older unmarried sister, late 40s, who hardly helps them and who they treat like a child. Every time I suggest they reach to her, crickets. This has been a big part of the problem. She’s not disabled, either. My mom just has a thing for playing helpless with me. |
Anonymous
| My parents are in their early 70s and need no help from me. They don’t like cruises because they can’t really explore on their own schedule. In most countries they rent cars and explore everywhere thanks to GPS. We are headed to Europe for spring break and I use them as a resource. |
Anonymous
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Mixed blessings, OP. Mine would get a cab on their own but they are otherwise very difficult travelers. They are not fit but won't admit it, very picky about noise and furniture, etc. They won't give up travel but are miserable the whole time.
In your shoes I'd just say "I recommend a cab and the hotel restaurant, see you soon!" and then forget about it. |
Anonymous
| my parents are late 70s and 80. They take trains, book their hotels, order Ubers. |