Teen not interested in spending as much time with grandma anymore

[Anonymous]

Lol I’m sure he’s also beautiful, but I meant busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We don’t have to if you don’t want to” is not a guilt trip. At all.

Of course it is a guilt trip. She is literally saying it ONLY to make him feel guilty. There is no way this granny is saying this statement sincerely and light-heartedly. She is saying it specifically and only to get an immediate reaction from grandkid to reassure old granny, feel guilty for saying no, and feel the pressure and obligation to prioritize what granny wants over what he wants. The OP says clearly granny isn’t taking this well, doesn’t “get it”, etc etc. This is not a sincere statement. It’s manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

That would not be helpful on any way whatsoever.

It might be if delivered gently. She was a mother to teens once too. Draw on your own experience, or that of a sibling, OP. Help your mom remember part of this is an age appropriate developmental task even though it sucks and hurts. (That said, it is developmentally appropriate for a teen to pull away from their family and lean in with friends, but that doesn't mean they should be given a universal hall pass and never expected to show up and spend time with their family. There is a balance.)

My kids grew up seeing their grandma every day. They had such a special relationship with her but as they got older and more involved in activities and hanging out with friends they spent less and less time with grandma. Once they started working part time that cut the time they had with grandma even more.

It was a healthy and necessary developmental stage for the kids to spend more and more time away from their adult family members but I know it saddened grandma to not see the kids like she did when they were little. That time of life had passed and the kids were moving towards becoming independent adults just as they should have been.

[Anonymous]

Can't she just join for a family dinner every other week or so? Show up to his sports practices or shows or whatever extracurriculars he has? One on one time just isn't going to happen as much.

[Anonymous]

One of the mistakes that many posters make is assuming that granny doesn’t get it that a teenager wants to do their own thing. She gets it, she just doesn’t care about his wants, needs or development more than what she wants. She ‘s taken a position that she’s entitled as the elder to always trump his needs so how dare he say no!

OP should talk to her son about not letting someone else try to manipulate or guilt them into doing something they don’t want to do and that people who do this are coming from a place of selfishness not love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the mistakes that many posters make is assuming that granny doesn’t get it that a teenager wants to do their own thing. She gets it, she just doesn’t care about his wants, needs or development more than what she wants. She ‘s taken a position that she’s entitled as the elder to always trump his needs so how dare he say no!

OP should talk to her son about not letting someone else try to manipulate or guilt them into doing something they don’t want to do and that people who do this are coming from a place of selfishness not love.

You seem warm and loving.

[Anonymous]

My kids text their grandparents often. That's a good way to connect and it's easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

Who treats people like that? That’s just plain cruelty.

I like someone’s idea of having grandma coming over to their house. I’m sure she’s lonely and he has more of a social life.

How far is her house? If it’s close maybe a weekly breakfast or lunch or dinner, whatever works for his schedule . It’s a tough transition when the grandkids are too busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

Who treats people like that? That’s just plain cruelty.

I like someone’s idea of having grandma coming over to their house. I’m sure she’s lonely and he has more of a social life.

How far is her house? If it’s close maybe a weekly breakfast or lunch or dinner, whatever works for his schedule . It’s a tough transition when the grandkids are too busy.

It is not cruel to tell someone to stop being emotionally manipulative! It’s not cruel to explain that continuing to do this will make others avoid being a situation where you can subject them to this.

Boomers need to realize that you can’t treat people like crap just because you are a boomer. Not recognizing that a teenager isn’t going to want to spend every weekend at grannies and then being a jerk about it to the kid s just really selfish, bad yet typical boomer behavior!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't she just join for a family dinner every other week or so? Show up to his sports practices or shows or whatever extracurriculars he has? One on one time just isn't going to happen as much.

+1

I grew up being very close to my grandparents, sleeping over their house, vacationing with them, etc. Once we hit teen years my grandparents would come over for dinner, come to sports games to watch us play, etc. They found ways to see us and spend time with us on our schedules. It was honestly amazing. But I wasn’t going to lunch with my grandma once a week as a 15 year old. That’s unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And she’s not taking it well and I don’t know what to do.

WE, his parents, have a hard time connecting with him. We mourned a bit, then learned how to find small ways to connect, respect his space, and embrace the time he DOES want to spend with us. It’s normal and we WANT him to launch, and this is step one.

DS used to spend nearly every weekend with his grandma in some capacity. She’d take him to museums, the zoo, movies, etc. It started dwindling around middle school, and now at 14, he has a little life of his own and we are happy with the time he chooses to share with us. But we ALL have to share that time. ILs are understanding about it. My mom, not at all.

The worst part is she guilt trips him. He does give her an afternoon about once a month, happily, to have lunch and to do something else with her. But she wants more. If he turns her down one week but says, let’s have lunch next week, she says, “That would be nice, but we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

We’ve tried to tell her that it isn’t personal, that WE don’t see him much either. But it’s like she just doesn’t get it. If you’ve BT/DT, any advice?

I say this kindly, Tough Sh-- grandma. This is normal. It's to be expected. He IS seeing her and that's great. But guilt tripping may have the opposite effect and she needs to understand that. Also, to understand, that he could come full circle in a few years to spend more time with her as he gets old and realizes how important grandparents are (at least mine were). But only if she doesn't poison the waters and make interacting unpleassant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

Who treats people like that? That’s just plain cruelty.

I like someone’s idea of having grandma coming over to their house. I’m sure she’s lonely and he has more of a social life.

How far is her house? If it’s close maybe a weekly breakfast or lunch or dinner, whatever works for his schedule . It’s a tough transition when the grandkids are too busy.

It is not cruel to tell someone to stop being emotionally manipulative! It’s not cruel to explain that continuing to do this will make others avoid being a situation where you can subject them to this.

Boomers need to realize that you can’t treat people like crap just because you are a boomer. Not recognizing that a teenager isn’t going to want to spend every weekend at grannies and then being a jerk about it to the kid s just really selfish, bad yet typical boomer behavior!

Don't blame boomers for this bad granny behavior! He's a teen with his own life, friends, intensified academics, activities/sports. 50% of free time functionning as granny's escort /partner/ friend is absurd. We're boomers and some BIL/SIL boomers have elementary school aged GC very active in sports and other endeavors. What happens? They go to games and eat with the families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't she just join for a family dinner every other week or so? Show up to his sports practices or shows or whatever extracurriculars he has? One on one time just isn't going to happen as much.

+1

I grew up being very close to my grandparents, sleeping over their house, vacationing with them, etc. Once we hit teen years my grandparents would come over for dinner, come to sports games to watch us play, etc. They found ways to see us and spend time with us on our schedules. It was honestly amazing. But I wasn’t going to lunch with my grandma once a week as a 15 year old. That’s unrealistic.

This is livei. Unfortunately most posters on DCUM are unhinged and struggle to function in real life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the mistakes that many posters make is assuming that granny doesn’t get it that a teenager wants to do their own thing. She gets it, she just doesn’t care about his wants, needs or development more than what she wants. She ‘s taken a position that she’s entitled as the elder to always trump his needs so how dare he say no!

OP should talk to her son about not letting someone else try to manipulate or guilt them into doing something they don’t want to do and that people who do this are coming from a place of selfishness not love.

She gets it she also understands how fleeting time is unlike with her own children she realizes that she won't be around for the second part where he wants to spend time with her again.

[Anonymous]

My mom started telling me around the age of 8 that my then 85 year old grandmother might not be around for much longer.

She loved to be 100 and I was a senior in college when she died.