Teen not interested in spending as much time with grandma anymore

[Anonymous]

And she’s not taking it well and I don’t know what to do.

WE, his parents, have a hard time connecting with him. We mourned a bit, then learned how to find small ways to connect, respect his space, and embrace the time he DOES want to spend with us. It’s normal and we WANT him to launch, and this is step one.

DS used to spend nearly every weekend with his grandma in some capacity. She’d take him to museums, the zoo, movies, etc. It started dwindling around middle school, and now at 14, he has a little life of his own and we are happy with the time he chooses to share with us. But we ALL have to share that time. ILs are understanding about it. My mom, not at all.

The worst part is she guilt trips him. He does give her an afternoon about once a month, happily, to have lunch and to do something else with her. But she wants more. If he turns her down one week but says, let’s have lunch next week, she says, “That would be nice, but we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

We’ve tried to tell her that it isn’t personal, that WE don’t see him much either. But it’s like she just doesn’t get it. If you’ve BT/DT, any advice?

[Anonymous]

We have this issue with our 13 year old DD. We have the grandparents come over to our house for lunch/brunch at a time when she is going to be around. She won't always talk to them the whole time they are there but at least they get a little face time every week

[Anonymous]

We have a similar issue with BOTH sets of parents. Doesn’t help that THEY seem to have found solace from their own parents, in their grandparents, and expect their grandchildren to do the same. Times are a LOT different. It’s funny, because I wasn’t even close to my grandparents at all, but my parents expect MY kids to have this closeness with them.

[Anonymous]

Grandma needs to get over it. Going to museums for 50% of his free time with grandma is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Have you hinted at it? I think having a sit down, face to face talk with her with clear messages can help

[Anonymous]

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to” is not a guilt trip. At all.

[Anonymous]

I don't see that there is anything you need to do. She does get it because she has her once a month lunch with DS. So she does understand she's not going to spend every weekend with him. She just doesn't like it, which is understandable. So if she vents to you, all you really have to do is sigh and say I know, I wish we could all spend time together, they grow up so fast. As for the guilt trip, that could also be seen as her giving him an out and he just may take her up on it. I wouldn't worry about it. Ds is old enough to manage the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We don’t have to if you don’t want to” is not a guilt trip. At all.

It absolutely is if you complain then about NOT doing the thing.

[Anonymous]

It's a process for her to accept this new reality. You can't speed it up. Give her time.

[Anonymous]

Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

That would not be helpful on any way whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We don’t have to if you don’t want to” is not a guilt trip. At all.

It could be emotionally manipulative and in this case, with a grandmother who OP knows isn't taking it well, I'd bet my last dollar it is. We've likely all known someone who uses a phrase like that in an attempt to get emotional strokes, "Grandma, of course I want to spend time with you..." It's definitely manipulative.

[Anonymous]

I mean it sounds like your kid is handling this just fine so I would not worry about this. They are setting their boundaries, grandma is pushing back and your kid is KOKO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We don’t have to if you don’t want to” is not a guilt trip. At all.

I thought the same thing. If only my Catholic family used such gentle guilt trips!

What she’s saying is valid. If she then is keeping you on the phone for an hr complaining & crying (how it goes here), then yes, you have to just keep repeating what you tell yourself, he is beautiful & that is healthy. If she’s like my DCs grandparents, she’ll never get it & will continue to mourn the end of childhood. Ah well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma needs to get told that if she keeps complaining about this, he'll switch to wanting to spend NO time with her at all.

That would not be helpful on any way whatsoever.

It might be if delivered gently. She was a mother to teens once too. Draw on your own experience, or that of a sibling, OP. Help your mom remember part of this is an age appropriate developmental task even though it sucks and hurts. (That said, it is developmentally appropriate for a teen to pull away from their family and lean in with friends, but that doesn't mean they should be given a universal hall pass and never expected to show up and spend time with their family. There is a balance.)