Dismantling home care

[Anonymous]

OP,

Have them consider fewer hours? Maybe 8:00 - 2:00 M-F or 8:00 - 2:00 seven days a week?

Have them give generous severance if they have to lay anyone off. You might get them back down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big myth that the current senior generation took care of elders. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California showed that boomers were the first generation to do so. Previous generations left seniors to fend for themselves, they would just move away, or go into retirement homes. That's why they are oblivious to caregiving.

My senior neighbours, so over 80, none of them did elder care and I didn't even know they had parents until they mentioned they were going to funerals.

That’s interesting because in my family parents lived with children. My grandparents on both sides (born from 1900-1910) cared for their parents in their homes. My parents (born late 30s to mid 40s) also cared for their parents.

[Anonymous]

I was able to convince my mom to keep some aides by explaining that it was a bit like having someone on retainer. They are already trained, and know you and your wants and needs; they are trusted, etc.

If you let them go, and then a medical crisis hits in 8 months (and chances are it will), you are going to have to start from scratch with a new person or people. Someone as good and experienced as Nancy will be snapped up (and at a higher rate, by the way.) This is the reason some people keep a nanny on, even after the kids are in full time school.

[Anonymous]

Op - you need to tell them that
1) if they let these good caregivers go, the caregivers will be hired by someone else. Good care is hard to find and if these are good workers, they will have their pick of jobs.
2) you will not be back in person to reestablish a new care routine. You will hire a social worker to oversee it.

You’ve got to stick firm on the not going back. I know these are your parents but you cannot enable or endorse their “bad” choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m frustrated for you OP. If you found good quality people keep in touch with them in case you’re allowed to bring them back in. I know how difficult it is to find good care.

I think our kids are going to have it so easy when we age because of what we all have to deal with in this current elder population. I refuse to behave like my mom. Put me in a home and leave me there, live your life.

I'd like to think that, but I'm not sure that will necessarily be the case. I've seen so much change just over the last 15 years in this area, mainly because health care costs for seniors is just skyrocketing.

That said, we are kinda doing everything possible that our kids will not have to worry about the money end of caring for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big myth that the current senior generation took care of elders. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California showed that boomers were the first generation to do so. Previous generations left seniors to fend for themselves, they would just move away, or go into retirement homes. That's why they are oblivious to caregiving.

My senior neighbours, so over 80, none of them did elder care and I didn't even know they had parents until they mentioned they were going to funerals.

+1. My parents, Greatest Generation and Silent Generation, did not take care of their elderly parents. Two died in the hospital and the other two were in nursing homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you need to tell them that
1) if they let these good caregivers go, the caregivers will be hired by someone else. Good care is hard to find and if these are good workers, they will have their pick of jobs.
2) you will not be back in person to reestablish a new care routine. You will hire a social worker to oversee it.

You’ve got to stick firm on the not going back. I know these are your parents but you cannot enable or endorse their “bad” choices.

Hold firm, OP. I still have much regret about the poor care and isolation that undoubtably hastened my parents' deaths.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. The frustration is real, and I could very easily see my own parents doing this. It's so hard to watch them make mistakes knowing that you will have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. The frustration is real, and I could very easily see my own parents doing this. It's so hard to watch them make mistakes knowing that you will have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

Let them know one consequence is you may NOT be there to pick up pieces. People forget life happens. In my case I developed my own serious health issue and we had other family emergencies. My mother has the nerve to rage at me when I drew a line in the sand and made it clear my health and family I created will from now on come before her after spending close to a decade of catering too much tom my parents. She was livid, but she stopped firing people and learned to suck it up. I could not reason with her prior to that because she had lost that ability and the empathy, but when it came to her needs and hearing I would not guarantee I could be there, that she understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you need to tell them that
1) if they let these good caregivers go, the caregivers will be hired by someone else. Good care is hard to find and if these are good workers, they will have their pick of jobs.
2) you will not be back in person to reestablish a new care routine. You will hire a social worker to oversee it.

You’ve got to stick firm on the not going back. I know these are your parents but you cannot enable or endorse their “bad” choices.

That is a good point, OP. You could even go so far as to arrange a meeting between the social worker and your parents, and you if you are around, and introduce them to her as she will be the person you will rely on next time if they get rid of their current aides.

[Anonymous]

1. OP, you need to argue with your parents, if you have not already. Tell them what a huge sacrifice it was for you to set this all up and how when another emergency arises, it will be really hard on you to do it all over again.

2. Who is paying the caregivers' checks? You? Them? If you are the one managing the finances, just tell the caregivers to keep showing up.

3. Can you cut down the hours? At first we had an 830 to 1230 shift and then a 430 to 830 shift. That was enough to give meds, cook meals, help change in and out of clothes. But they got the afternoons to themselves in their house.

4. It might be a good idea for the caregivers to give them some space. Don't sit in the TV room with them, but rather get a baby monitor and go sit in another room so they feel like they have some privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. The frustration is real, and I could very easily see my own parents doing this. It's so hard to watch them make mistakes knowing that you will have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

Let them know one consequence is you may NOT be there to pick up pieces. People forget life happens. In my case I developed my own serious health issue and we had other family emergencies. My mother has the nerve to rage at me when I drew a line in the sand and made it clear my health and family I created will from now on come before her after spending close to a decade of catering too much tom my parents. She was livid, but she stopped firing people and learned to suck it up. I could not reason with her prior to that because she had lost that ability and the empathy, but when it came to her needs and hearing I would not guarantee I could be there, that she understand.

Oh I've told them the consequences. I even guilt tripped them that if they don't take better care of their finances, I will be forced to use my kids' college funds to pay for their elder care. I've tried and tried to get them to understand that their decisions impact everyone. But they don't understand. They can't think critically anymore. They make decisions based on feelings instead of facts.

I am already steeling myself for the day I have to choose between leaving them in subpar medicaid care or dipping into our college funds and retirement savings. The former will leave me feeling guilty the rest of my life even though I know it's their own fault. The latter will leave me feeling bitter the rest of my life as we struggle to rebuild all our savings. It's a no-win situation. The only winner was the guy who sold them a new car last month