Should I let my husband make the financial decisions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For some context, we’ve been married 10 years this year and have made good financial progress together. I am 39 and he is 41. I make more money currently, but haven’t always, and we plan for me to retire from my high stress job in 10 years while he’s happy to keeping working his rewarding low stress job for the next 30 years. By the time I retire, we’ll be able to maintain our lifestyle with his income (through a combination of his income going up moderately plus things like kids’ college being paid for) so we won’t have to touch either of our retirements until he retires at 70 unless we want to take some really special trips in our 60’s or pay for a wedding, etc. etc. We are both in 100% agreement with the above and about our financial goals and priorities generally.

Given the above, you would think that we’d never have a money argument! But we have had intense arguments over things like which investment vehicle to use to save for kids college or which investments to choose (even though neither of us are huge risk takers - think scenarios like person A wants all ETFs and person B wants a combination of ETFs and individual dividend stocks).

We do each give each other freedom about individual retirement accounts, but non-retirement investments (brokerage, real estate, kids’ college, etc.) we end up spending a lot of time disagreeing about approach, even though honestly it ends up being splitting hairs; both of our approaches would get us close to where we mutually agree we want to go.

DH commented tonight that he wishes I’d just let him make the decisions and back off, and this feels insane to me as a person who enjoys investing and thinking about optimizing the future and tax planning etc, but on the other hand, maybe it would bring peace to my marriage.

Given that I trust my husband and think he is incredibly smart, and everything would be transparent, and he’d keep me informed (in fact he’d enjoy telling me why he is doing x,y,z - he’d just want me to nod along), should I grant his wish and back off?

-signed, tired of stupid bickering

How come women always say the same thing - "my job is so stressful and it's killing me and DH job is low stress and love his job" kinda thing?

If a man worked in big law and made 10x what his teacher wife made, you wouldn't think twice at him saying he was going to retire at 50 and she can keep working if she wants. You have no idea what their jobs are, and she's the breadwinner so just STFU.

Goodness. That time of the month!!

Well I don't have a uterus so that would be a medical miracle. Much like your ability to type given your iq!

[Anonymous]

One is trying to say that the wife should make sure your name is on all jointly held investment accounts so that you can’t have access to even seeing current amounts blocked and yet you have worked and contributed,

Also be sure to be on the deed to the home you live in. Understand 529 college account as only one name owns it, but a spouse can contribute and be named in someway to get activity reports, too.

Good idea to review as posters do investments
And retirement plans at least annually so you have an understanding of your family finances.
Good idea to have a credit card in your own name to build a credit history too

From recent family experience we are helping
one deal with a separation and found some financial facts would have made it a bit easier.
Then again Mr. Law seems to not understand
terms like alimony, child support eland general approach to marital asset distribution! What you do as a starry eyed bride might not be the wisest thing in early 40s.

[Anonymous]

THe answer is No. You deal with the arguments and make decisions together. HE can back off if he has such an issue with it

[Anonymous]

I would never turn over my financial future to someone else.

[Anonymous]

OMG, these posters are insane.

OP, you yourself say that these arguments are about splitting hairs, that both of your approaches would work, and that your family is in a situation where you will have plenty of money for retirement/etc.

Given all of those factors, you should ABSOLUTELY stop bickering with your husband about the minutia that differs in your approaches. Accept that he is good at finances, be grateful that you don't need to be in control of it, and let it go.

(This, of course, presumes all the healthy conditions that you laid out in your post in terms of good partnership, his financial decision-making acuity, etc.)

Even if you are completely right and your choices would yield a marginally better outcome, the ongoing and persistent conflict you describe is absolutely not worth an extra 2% or whatever in your net worth at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I vote relinquish control even though it’s not fair. In your shoes I would give myself a few hours to a couple of days to get mad about it, and then commit to putting the issue in the broader context of your relationship and your life. Find some small pleasures in your life and your relationship and focus on the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I handle all of our day to day which includes everything associated with running two homes plus my own business. My husband manages our investments and includes me in all discussions with our advisors. He also updates me a few times a year on how our total portfolio is doing. He does make some decisions without my input but they are not of a size or risk that I’m going to worry about it. The real key is that over 30+ years he has made sure that we save at a high rate and invest smartly. Our yearly returns have been good but it is the consistent saving and compounding that has been great. He relies on me to manage my side and I rely on him to manage his side. We have never argued about money.

This is basically our approach - he keeps me involved and updated so it’s a trust but verify type arrangement. However, he rarely asks me about what I’m spending the day to day on but he knows I don’t like to waste money. We’ve been doing this for over 30 years as well and it’s worked nicely.

[Anonymous]

How much decision making is there really? You shouldn't be in and out of stocks. Buying and holding has always proven to be the best option.

I suggest you put together an investment plan and then meet monthly/quarterly to go over the details and performance. I don't really see why you need to have one person be so hands on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, these posters are insane.

OP, you yourself say that these arguments are about splitting hairs, that both of your approaches would work, and that your family is in a situation where you will have plenty of money for retirement/etc.

Given all of those factors, you should ABSOLUTELY stop bickering with your husband about the minutia that differs in your approaches. Accept that he is good at finances, be grateful that you don't need to be in control of it, and let it go.

(This, of course, presumes all the healthy conditions that you laid out in your post in terms of good partnership, his financial decision-making acuity, etc.)

Even if you are completely right and your choices would yield a marginally better outcome, the ongoing and persistent conflict you describe is absolutely not worth an extra 2% or whatever in your net worth at the end of the day.

This is spot on. I'll add one more point:

OP, you said in your initial post, "We do each give each other freedom about individual retirement accounts." I suggest you rethink that approach., I realize it was to preserve some marital harmony, but it sounds like you and your husband have consolidated finances. Retirement planning should take into account all funds allocated for retirement, and there should be one strategy for all your retirement funds. It doesn't really matter whether it's yours or your husband's - one strategy is better than two divergent or contradictory strategies. Ideally, it would be the same person as managed your other assets, but in the interest of harmony maybe you could split up retirement and non-retirement assets, with periodic consultations with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never do this
No female should do this ever
You run the finances
You make sure your name is one everything
You have passwords
You pay all bills


You both can have input but never ever have him be sole financial person ever

Life lesson ladies

Now after 2925 red states you won’t be able to do this so good luck to you morons that helped set us back to the dark ages

How long have you been divorced?

No, the question is how many times has she been divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP no one knows your marriage but you, so difficult to advise. But a few uncomfortable things jumped out at me from your post:

You’re a hard worker, you enjoy investing, you make more money than your DH. Your arguments may be “splitting hairs” but you’re still having them, and you don’t sound like a dummy, so your points probably have merit. You’re being given two choices: keep arguing or back off entirely. Why not a third option, where you continue to work together, or learn to communicate about financial planning in a way that isn’t a fight? If you had no interest in finance, it would make sense to trust and bow out. But you do have interest in the topic, and you’re a high earner.

A plan to retire early, stop earning money, and trust to be “taken care of” by a spouse who wants me to “back off” of being involved in all financial discussions while I’m still young feels…not safe (to me). YMMV. But your post makes me wary.

[Anonymous]

You could let him do it for a while and revisit the issue. I own and run a business and was also doing our family finances, and I just couldn't do both any more. So despite my knowing how, I now let my husband manage the personal money. It's a relief, honestly. But that could change at some point.

[Anonymous]

Could you just not care as much? My husband will say hey what do you think about x y z and I usually say that sounds fine. I like to be consulted but at this point he knows where I stand on how much I like to have readily accessible and how conservative I like to be with investing (and my job puts a lot of limitations on what we can do) so it’s rare he has a idea I think is nuts. It sounds like you guys are similar but you have stronger opinions than I do so there’s more arguing about the details.

100 percent he could also care less and/or be less rigid but you can only control yourself. Are there other areas you are more rigid? I remind myself I have stronger opinions about the kids so it’s good to let these things balance out. You can’t argue over everything

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are both savvy when it comes to investing or at least savvy enough. A few questions:

Do you trust him?
Will he update you and answer your questions?
Is he a prudent investor?
Is he a long term investor and not a trader?

If the answers are all yes, relax and let him do his thing.

[Anonymous]

The present: You’re both working, you’re financially literate (and skilled, it sounds like), and you out-earn him.

The future: Your H wants you to retire at 49 have no financial agency until then, and plans to “take care of you”.

There’s a big disconnect here, and this isn’t just about who manages the brokerage account. You’re talking about an ideological shift in your marriage. That’s why you’re uncomfortable. I would be too.